Broke up with my boyfriend after finding he had an OLD account

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You all are right. She should just suffer and focus on her kids all day every day, esp on the weeks she doesn't have custody. That's not martyrdom at all. Might as well end all extra curriculum activities too OP because you need to focus on your kids. Don't befriend any new friends either because if they meet your kids, it could be psychologically damaging.

Big gap between focusing on self and kids and getting involved with guys who inspire you to become a PI and then obsess over clear facts and engage in back and forth with said guy, who isn't faithful. If I had to chose between my mental health (which affects my kids) and dick of questionable repute, I'm choosing myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

I'm genuinely curious how you discovered he'd changed the profile if ... well ... you weren't browsing FB Dating yourself?

Good question. When we were dating, we were FB friends. I would reactivate my FB dating to see if I could find him, and I couldn’t. Then I realized if I’m not his FB friend, I could possibly find him since FB doesn’t show you FRIENDS that are dating.. only non-friends or friends of friends. So after I unfriended him I was able to find him quickly.

PP here. That's really psychotic behavior. Sorry.

Earlier, you asked whether these trust issues were within the bounds of normal human emotions. The answer is, no, they're not. The behavior you're describing is understandable given your history of trauma, but it's not normal behavior or healthy behavior, and your reaction to what you found is also extreme.

This is why people are telling you that you're not ready for another relationship. You have more work to do on yourself. Yes, it's easy to villainize him, and yes, he shouldn't have done that. But your reflection needs to be about YOU and what YOU can control. The fact that you were (kind of) right about this is irrelevant -- this impulse you have where you're going to monitor and check up on partners to such investigative lengths suggests you will only ever bring a toxic element to your future relationships... Because here's the thing -- the next guy might not have updated the OLD profile, but you're going to keep looking until you find something you don't like. That's exhausting.

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What?!? No it isn’t. It’s normal behavior. DP

Spying on your bf, looking for evidence is not normal. When you lose trust or begin to suspect, that's when you walk away -especially in a dating situation. You don't become Nancy Drew, ffs, you move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

I'm genuinely curious how you discovered he'd changed the profile if ... well ... you weren't browsing FB Dating yourself?

Good question. When we were dating, we were FB friends. I would reactivate my FB dating to see if I could find him, and I couldn’t. Then I realized if I’m not his FB friend, I could possibly find him since FB doesn’t show you FRIENDS that are dating.. only non-friends or friends of friends. So after I unfriended him I was able to find him quickly.

PP here. That's really psychotic behavior. Sorry.

Earlier, you asked whether these trust issues were within the bounds of normal human emotions. The answer is, no, they're not. The behavior you're describing is understandable given your history of trauma, but it's not normal behavior or healthy behavior, and your reaction to what you found is also extreme.

This is why people are telling you that you're not ready for another relationship. You have more work to do on yourself. Yes, it's easy to villainize him, and yes, he shouldn't have done that. But your reflection needs to be about YOU and what YOU can control. The fact that you were (kind of) right about this is irrelevant -- this impulse you have where you're going to monitor and check up on partners to such investigative lengths suggests you will only ever bring a toxic element to your future relationships... Because here's the thing -- the next guy might not have updated the OLD profile, but you're going to keep looking until you find something you don't like. That's exhausting.

.

What?!? No it isn’t. It’s normal behavior. DP

Tracking and monitoring what someone else does, even going so far as to deliberately unfriend them on a social media app so that you can check on how they're presenting themselves to the world is NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR.

And if you think it is, you need therapy too in order to learn how to function as a healthy adult.

[Anonymous]

Op here. I agree this is not normal and is trauma motivated. At the same time, though, dating has changed so much in like 10-15 years, especially with the prevalence of all kind of apps. It’s hard to know if anyone is “digitally” faithful if they can initiate things on different platforms…

[Anonymous]

And I say that because ex’s EA began and grew w/ texting. Not a neighbor down the street or a coworker. Just texting. Right in front of me, my kids, our families…so I’m especially concerned about online & phone behavior.