Broke up with my boyfriend after finding he had an OLD account

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

Divorcee train wrecks. Focus on your kids and not your hook ups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

Divorcee train wrecks. Focus on your kids and not your hook ups.

Gotta fill the emptiness when the kids are gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

I'm genuinely curious how you discovered he'd changed the profile if ... well ... you weren't browsing FB Dating yourself?

Good question. When we were dating, we were FB friends. I would reactivate my FB dating to see if I could find him, and I couldn’t. Then I realized if I’m not his FB friend, I could possibly find him since FB doesn’t show you FRIENDS that are dating.. only non-friends or friends of friends. So after I unfriended him I was able to find him quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

Divorcee train wrecks. Focus on your kids and not your hook ups.

Gotta fill the emptiness when the kids are gone.

In a way; yes. The loneliness is very bad. I have friends & family but the loneliness can be crushing during my noncustodial wks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

I'm genuinely curious how you discovered he'd changed the profile if ... well ... you weren't browsing FB Dating yourself?

Good question. When we were dating, we were FB friends. I would reactivate my FB dating to see if I could find him, and I couldn’t. Then I realized if I’m not his FB friend, I could possibly find him since FB doesn’t show you FRIENDS that are dating.. only non-friends or friends of friends. So after I unfriended him I was able to find him quickly.

PP here. That's really psychotic behavior. Sorry.

Earlier, you asked whether these trust issues were within the bounds of normal human emotions. The answer is, no, they're not. The behavior you're describing is understandable given your history of trauma, but it's not normal behavior or healthy behavior, and your reaction to what you found is also extreme.

This is why people are telling you that you're not ready for another relationship. You have more work to do on yourself. Yes, it's easy to villainize him, and yes, he shouldn't have done that. But your reflection needs to be about YOU and what YOU can control. The fact that you were (kind of) right about this is irrelevant -- this impulse you have where you're going to monitor and check up on partners to such investigative lengths suggests you will only ever bring a toxic element to your future relationships... Because here's the thing -- the next guy might not have updated the OLD profile, but you're going to keep looking until you find something you don't like. That's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Don't blame you for ending things OP. I would have done the same even though that is a hard decision. It sounds like he lied to you and broke a boundary regardless if he physically cheated or not.

[Anonymous]

Sorry this happened OP. Not a fun situation. I would have made him go kick rocks too.

[Anonymous]

If everything else was going well, I would not break up over some facebook site. If he was actively messaging girls and meeting up, of course that would be reason to break up.

I have a facebook page I rarely go on. I may or may not update it every few years.

This seems more a problem about you and your baggage with your ex cheating on you. I’m married and my husband hasn’t cheated so this is not something I would be that insecure about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

I'm genuinely curious how you discovered he'd changed the profile if ... well ... you weren't browsing FB Dating yourself?

Good question. When we were dating, we were FB friends. I would reactivate my FB dating to see if I could find him, and I couldn’t. Then I realized if I’m not his FB friend, I could possibly find him since FB doesn’t show you FRIENDS that are dating.. only non-friends or friends of friends. So after I unfriended him I was able to find him quickly.

PP here. That's really psychotic behavior. Sorry.

Earlier, you asked whether these trust issues were within the bounds of normal human emotions. The answer is, no, they're not. The behavior you're describing is understandable given your history of trauma, but it's not normal behavior or healthy behavior, and your reaction to what you found is also extreme.

This is why people are telling you that you're not ready for another relationship. You have more work to do on yourself. Yes, it's easy to villainize him, and yes, he shouldn't have done that. But your reflection needs to be about YOU and what YOU can control. The fact that you were (kind of) right about this is irrelevant -- this impulse you have where you're going to monitor and check up on partners to such investigative lengths suggests you will only ever bring a toxic element to your future relationships... Because here's the thing -- the next guy might not have updated the OLD profile, but you're going to keep looking until you find something you don't like. That's exhausting.

You are so right. So very right. I used to be so naive and Polly Anna ish. I trusted ex DH so much. But the betrayal trauma made me think that to trust someone is to check on them digitally. That’s where ex hid his affair. Right in front of our eyes. Thought he was scrolling on Twitter or reading the news but was actually texting AP. He really f*** me up. You are right that I need to heal because I’m still very wounded.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate everyone’s perspective & my takeaway is to work on healing and growth. The hardest part of an unwanted divorce is the loneliness that follows. It feels like a double whammy… marriage ended due to EA/PA, then trauma, then loneliness. I really don’t know what healing looks like just yet. But I know I have to work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

Divorcee train wrecks. Focus on your kids and not your hook ups.

Gotta fill the emptiness when the kids are gone.

In a way; yes. The loneliness is very bad. I have friends & family but the loneliness can be crushing during my noncustodial wks.

And that makes you vulnerable to unhealthy relationships. You can reframe how you think about the time while your kids are away. Instead of anticipating and feeling crushing loneliness, you could see it as an opportunity to improve your mental and physical health. You seem like a good person and I know a few pos have been harsh, but there's some good advice here. It's time to end discussions with this guy. Block and delete if he persists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

Divorcee train wrecks. Focus on your kids and not your hook ups.

100%

Sorry--but kids come first. After you divorce--that's even more pertinent given the psychological damage already done and the weird BF/GF stuff and potential 'step' stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

Divorcee train wrecks. Focus on your kids and not your hook ups.

100%

Sorry--but kids come first. After you divorce--that's even more pertinent given the psychological damage already done and the weird BF/GF stuff and potential 'step' stuff.

Not to mention who you bring around your kids.

[Anonymous]

You all are right. She should just suffer and focus on her kids all day every day, esp on the weeks she doesn't have custody. That's not martyrdom at all. Might as well end all extra curriculum activities too OP because you need to focus on your kids. Don't befriend any new friends either because if they meet your kids, it could be psychologically damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Due to our respective custody schedules. When we have our kids we focus on them, and see each other in our noncustodial weeks.

I should caveat that we matched on FB dating, so I knew what the original profile looked like, and knew what he changed

I'm genuinely curious how you discovered he'd changed the profile if ... well ... you weren't browsing FB Dating yourself?

Good question. When we were dating, we were FB friends. I would reactivate my FB dating to see if I could find him, and I couldn’t. Then I realized if I’m not his FB friend, I could possibly find him since FB doesn’t show you FRIENDS that are dating.. only non-friends or friends of friends. So after I unfriended him I was able to find him quickly.

PP here. That's really psychotic behavior. Sorry.

Earlier, you asked whether these trust issues were within the bounds of normal human emotions. The answer is, no, they're not. The behavior you're describing is understandable given your history of trauma, but it's not normal behavior or healthy behavior, and your reaction to what you found is also extreme.

This is why people are telling you that you're not ready for another relationship. You have more work to do on yourself. Yes, it's easy to villainize him, and yes, he shouldn't have done that. But your reflection needs to be about YOU and what YOU can control. The fact that you were (kind of) right about this is irrelevant -- this impulse you have where you're going to monitor and check up on partners to such investigative lengths suggests you will only ever bring a toxic element to your future relationships... Because here's the thing -- the next guy might not have updated the OLD profile, but you're going to keep looking until you find something you don't like. That's exhausting.

.

What?!? No it isn’t. It’s normal behavior. DP