Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe in ever blaming the victim, but if this is the attitude of many marrieds, I honestly wonder how much tit for tat, curation, control, and hostile action goes into the daily interactions of the marriage, and I feel less sympathetic to the spouse crying about how they’ve been wronged.

I don’t condone cheating, but I also see how it isn’t always a simple equation.

Give me a break.

What break do you need? This isn’t a reply looking for insight, conversation, or discussion, which also says a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I emailed him at work.

This is just gross, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe in ever blaming the victim, but if this is the attitude of many marrieds, I honestly wonder how much tit for tat, curation, control, and hostile action goes into the daily interactions of the marriage, and I feel less sympathetic to the spouse crying about how they’ve been wronged.

I don’t condone cheating, but I also see how it isn’t always a simple equation.

It's called 'natural consequences' not tit for tat or control or whatever complicated thing you want it to be.
Even kindergarteners know this.

Natural consequences would be their spouse finding out on their own, not someone purposefully going out of their way and telling them. I’ll take science and psychology for 100.

Finding out and then telling someone else is tattling. Every kindergartener knows this as tattling or gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe in ever blaming the victim, but if this is the attitude of many marrieds, I honestly wonder how much tit for tat, curation, control, and hostile action goes into the daily interactions of the marriage, and I feel less sympathetic to the spouse crying about how they’ve been wronged.

I don’t condone cheating, but I also see how it isn’t always a simple equation.

It's called 'natural consequences' not tit for tat or control or whatever complicated thing you want it to be.
Even kindergarteners know this.

Natural consequences would be their spouse finding out on their own, not someone purposefully going out of their way and telling them. I’ll take science and psychology for 100.

Finding out and then telling someone else is tattling. Every kindergartener knows this as tattling or gossip.

Omg. Are you for reals? Lol

Yeah you been banging countless dudes bareback for decades —I’m going to let your poor spouse know.

A consequence of screwing another person’s spouse is that person telling your spouse. How you like them apples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I emailed him at work.

This is just gross, OP.

No it’s not. You can be sure she won’t intercept it.

[Anonymous]

Warning someone, even someone you don't know, is a reasonable action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe in ever blaming the victim, but if this is the attitude of many marrieds, I honestly wonder how much tit for tat, curation, control, and hostile action goes into the daily interactions of the marriage, and I feel less sympathetic to the spouse crying about how they’ve been wronged.

I don’t condone cheating, but I also see how it isn’t always a simple equation.

It's called 'natural consequences' not tit for tat or control or whatever complicated thing you want it to be.
Even kindergarteners know this.

Natural consequences would be their spouse finding out on their own, not someone purposefully going out of their way and telling them. I’ll take science and psychology for 100.

Finding out and then telling someone else is tattling. Every kindergartener knows this as tattling or gossip.

Omg. Are you for reals? Lol

Yeah you been banging countless dudes bareback for decades —I’m going to let your poor spouse know.

A consequence of screwing another person’s spouse is that person telling your spouse. How you like them apples?

Yep. That’s a consequence. Your spouse leaving is another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it never would have done any good, because I’m not a vengeful, Grudgy, or scorched earth kind of person. YMMV, on this, but for me, holding my head high and knowing what the truth was was what was most important to me. She owed me nothing, and who knows what lies he told?

It was over, so why look back? Why throw a grenade? You’re not going to prevent happiness where there is none already. And why burn the survivors, just because you’re hurting? The altruistic “the spouse needs to know” is just lashing out, and I think most people would know that in reflection.

You get to be hurt, you get to be mad.. but why do you need company for that? Live your story to its best. Ignore these secondary players.

Their spouse filed for divorce on them. Was happy to be told.

Strange you mowers so happy to be told of someone else’s unhappiness. Not thenAP, but her spouse. Also strange to brag about it here, after you’re supposed to feel so much better about your life. Don’t you have other things that make you happy that are more important?

Divorcing a cheater is not unhappiness. It’s often the get out of jail free card everybody Who is married to a lying cheat looking for. It sets people on a path to happiness instead of being stuck with somebody with serious mental health issues, which all cheaters have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me, it never would have done any good, because I’m not a vengeful, Grudgy, or scorched earth kind of person. YMMV, on this, but for me, holding my head high and knowing what the truth was was what was most important to me. She owed me nothing, and who knows what lies he told?

It was over, so why look back? Why throw a grenade? You’re not going to prevent happiness where there is none already. And why burn the survivors, just because you’re hurting? The altruistic “the spouse needs to know” is just lashing out, and I think most people would know that in reflection.

You get to be hurt, you get to be mad.. but why do you need company for that? Live your story to its best. Ignore these secondary players.

Their spouse filed for divorce on them. Was happy to be told.

Strange you mowers so happy to be told of someone else’s unhappiness. Not thenAP, but her spouse. Also strange to brag about it here, after you’re supposed to feel so much better about your life. Don’t you have other things that make you happy that are more important?

Divorcing a cheater is not unhappiness. It’s often the get out of jail free card everybody Who is married to a lying cheat looking for. It sets people on a path to happiness instead of being stuck with somebody with serious mental health issues, which all cheaters have.

So true! AP’s husband thanked me. Absolute b@tch at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe in ever blaming the victim, but if this is the attitude of many marrieds, I honestly wonder how much tit for tat, curation, control, and hostile action goes into the daily interactions of the marriage, and I feel less sympathetic to the spouse crying about how they’ve been wronged.

I don’t condone cheating, but I also see how it isn’t always a simple equation.

It's called 'natural consequences' not tit for tat or control or whatever complicated thing you want it to be.
Even kindergarteners know this.

Natural consequences would be their spouse finding out on their own, not someone purposefully going out of their way and telling them. I’ll take science and psychology for 100.

Finding out and then telling someone else is tattling. Every kindergartener knows this as tattling or gossip.

Omg. Are you for reals? Lol

Yeah you been banging countless dudes bareback for decades —I’m going to let your poor spouse know.

A consequence of screwing another person’s spouse is that person telling your spouse. How you like them apples?

Yep. That’s a consequence. Your spouse leaving is another.

All things someone reasonable would consider before cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

That would be absolutely terrible. I hope you are not speaking from experience and I am sorry if you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You could make something that’s ugly, really ugly and make your life worse. Focus on dealing with your husband.

Are you an AP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Experts recommend to expose the affair.
-It gives the best chance of ending it.
- It breaks cheaters out of "affair fog and their fantasy.
- It gives a chance to compare details with the other spouse and protect yourself (health and other)
https://www.emotionalaffair.org/how-to-stop-an-affair-by-exposing-it/
https://www.marriagebuilders.com/when-should-an-affair-be-exposed.htm

All of this, above.

People deserve to live their lives and make decisions, large and small, based on reality. When a spouse is in the dark about the other spouse's cheating, the betrayed spouse may be happy day to day but is actually living without all the information to have true agency and autonomy over his or her own life. True agency can come at a painful price but at least once the betrayed spouse knows the truth, he will be making choices based on the full story, not on lies.

Heed the person who posted earlier in the thread about how she had a child while her DH was having an affair and she was unaware. So many choices and decisions get made--a pregnancy, a home purchase, a career change, retirement plans, many others. Just imagine making all those choices thinking you and your spouse are a team and have the same goals, values, agenda, end game, when in reality you are not a team and not on the same page fully. That's what it's like when one spouse is in the dark and the other is having an affair. The cheating spouse is taking away the betrayed spouse's agency. And the betrayed spouse has no idea, and goes on making changes, plans, decisions based on a relationship which only exists in his or her mind, not in reality.

What's worse is when they keep it like that while secretly planning to leave them when the kids are older. All that time the spouse was kept in the dark and not preparing themselves financially or forgoing dreams and other things to support the marriage for someone that then plans to blindside them later (And never reveal the truth of the years of infidelity).

It really is incredibly, incredibly cruel.

I think you both and the experts are too shallow in your thinking. When you marry a high-quality person, you're accepting a higher likelihood that your spouse will cheat. If you really want to be fully confident your spouse won't cheat, you marry someone who won't have any opportunities to cheat. In other words, someone nobody wants.

So you indeed have agency by marrying the person you choose to marry. Then you need to do everything you can to make your spouse NOT want to cheat. That means keeping yourself in shape and doing your part for the marriage. If you're the relative breadwinner, you better keep doing well at your career while making your spouse uncertain of just how much she would get in a settlement.

If you're the non-breadwinner spouse, then you need to make life as pleasurable as possible for the breadwinner. That means enhancing his image in the streets and rocking his world under the sheets. It means making sure he doesn't have to deal with picking up your sniffling kid from school. It means you deal with your Mom or Dad's passing yourself and don't be a PITA about your grieving and sadness.

To stay married to a high-value person who will have opportunities to cheat, you want your mate to feel like they are taking too big a chance in cheating on you. THAT's where you have agency.

Pal, I think you’ve got the wrong board. Take it back to patheticandrewtatefantasies dot com.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just confirmed the affair 100%, sadly both EA and physical now.
Not sure what will happen with me and DH. He’s ending it, as he says he wants “us” over her. But we obv have a LOT to figure out.

But being in a world of anger and pain, I feel that AP should not get off scott free. I’m assuming she loves my DH, so his ending it will hurt. Any reason why I should not blow up her marriage as she/DH have done mine?

Why do you assume that?

Cuz he's so garsh-darn loveable. And all women get the feels.

OMG this is OP. First time I've laughed in forever. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

I think the “no way. Don’t tell” are cheaters not wanting their spouse to find out.