My ex gave my allergic kid unsafe candy

[Anonymous]

Ok, you haven’t said what your kid’s allergens are, unless I missed it. I’m going to assume they’re tree nuts and peanuts, given the Easter egg context. I’m also going to assume it was a chocolate bunny given the foil wrapped comment you made.

First thing you should teach your kid with nut allergies is to NEVER accept/eat chocolate that isn’t labeled with ingredients. Doesn’t matter if a parent gives it to them or not. No ingredients to read= hard pass. I know it’s hard/sad to see them unable to enjoy like other kids, but I’ve always taught my 14 year old son with nut allergies that no brownie or chocolate is worth having a reaction and that we will get a safe treat later.

It sounds like your kid knew that and refused, so good for her. She carries two epis all the time- good for her.

You know your ex best, but with nut allergies, sweets are really hard, so I wouldn’t necessarily extrapolate that a slip up with chocolate means all food your ex provides is now suspect. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to ever be 100% safe from allergens. There are always food recalls stating undeclared allergens found, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything other than vague “teach her to be safe”. No one can tell me that magic thing to teach her that isn’t interfering with her mom’s parenting time, that will keep her safe.

You need to schedule an appointment with her allergist. This is advice that you need to get from a doctor. You want the allergist to tell her what to do, so you’re not stepping on mom’s toes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything other than vague “teach her to be safe”. No one can tell me that magic thing to teach her that isn’t interfering with her mom’s parenting time, that will keep her safe.

“Food is safe at mom’s honey- mom had done a great job managing your allergy. This was a mistake and won’t happen again/ mom and dad shouldn’t have involved you sweetie, this was a learning experience for us all”

You’re not a victim here OP. It’s an accident.

The only way I involved her was to tell her not to eat the candy, and listening to her when she said she was scared. Are you saying I shouldn't have done that? I should have let her eat it?

And no, if someone has stopped reading labels, that's not a mistake. That's a decision to stop doing what you were previously doing. I have no way of knowing that the food at her mom's is safe. So, no, I'm not going to say that.

That makes you irrational. Because your child is alive and unharmed. You obviously made mom feel her day was impacted- you wrote that in follow up posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you haven’t said what your kid’s allergens are, unless I missed it. I’m going to assume they’re tree nuts and peanuts, given the Easter egg context. I’m also going to assume it was a chocolate bunny given the foil wrapped comment you made.

First thing you should teach your kid with nut allergies is to NEVER accept/eat chocolate that isn’t labeled with ingredients. Doesn’t matter if a parent gives it to them or not. No ingredients to read= hard pass. I know it’s hard/sad to see them unable to enjoy like other kids, but I’ve always taught my 14 year old son with nut allergies that no brownie or chocolate is worth having a reaction and that we will get a safe treat later.

It sounds like your kid knew that and refused, so good for her. She carries two epis all the time- good for her.

You know your ex best, but with nut allergies, sweets are really hard, so I wouldn’t necessarily extrapolate that a slip up with chocolate means all food your ex provides is now suspect. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to ever be 100% safe from allergens. There are always food recalls stating undeclared allergens found, etc.

Yes, treenut and peanut allergies.

I want to be clear on what you are saying. If your kid was at an Easter egg hunt, and didn’t eat anything because they know chocolate is unsafe, and then when they got home you gave them a replacement treat which was small wrapped candies you had taken out of a bag, or brownies you had baked, they wouldn’t eat them?

This was the safe treat later.

She didn’t eat it because she was still eating the jelly beans she had gotten. It was luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll happen. You train your kid and really can't account for what other people will do. You won't be able to control everything.

You train your kid that they can’t trust their own parent?

You teach your kid that anyone can make mistakes so they always have to double check.

This is not hard. You guys need to grow up.

This. The kid wears a seatbelt in the car even if the parent is a safe driver right? Because accidents happen?

Excellent analogy.

OP, how did you leap from an accident re: once a year holiday candy to "meals are unsafe?"

You need CBT to manage your anxiety and not conflate.

As a parent of a kid with allergies to 6 of the top 8 foods, I get it is stressful. I'm divorced from someone I have safety concerns about, I get that too. But you need to be able to distinguish an accident that is isolated from ongoing patterns and not come across as hysterically conflating the 2. FC is not your friend and at the level of conflict that 3rd party coordinators suggests, all you can do is manage yourself. Once the FC vendors have their hooks in they will be happy to drain you both dry financially. You need to not play into that, it's not in your kids' interests. Managing anxiety is key, a low dose med might be helpful while you access the CBT techniques.

Re: ex, I found the free NAMI family to family course helpful, perhaps you may, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you haven’t said what your kid’s allergens are, unless I missed it. I’m going to assume they’re tree nuts and peanuts, given the Easter egg context. I’m also going to assume it was a chocolate bunny given the foil wrapped comment you made.

First thing you should teach your kid with nut allergies is to NEVER accept/eat chocolate that isn’t labeled with ingredients. Doesn’t matter if a parent gives it to them or not. No ingredients to read= hard pass. I know it’s hard/sad to see them unable to enjoy like other kids, but I’ve always taught my 14 year old son with nut allergies that no brownie or chocolate is worth having a reaction and that we will get a safe treat later.

It sounds like your kid knew that and refused, so good for her. She carries two epis all the time- good for her.

You know your ex best, but with nut allergies, sweets are really hard, so I wouldn’t necessarily extrapolate that a slip up with chocolate means all food your ex provides is now suspect. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to ever be 100% safe from allergens. There are always food recalls stating undeclared allergens found, etc.

Yes, treenut and peanut allergies.

I want to be clear on what you are saying. If your kid was at an Easter egg hunt, and didn’t eat anything because they know chocolate is unsafe, and then when they got home you gave them a replacement treat which was small wrapped candies you had taken out of a bag, or brownies you had baked, they wouldn’t eat them?

This was the safe treat later.

She didn’t eat it because she was still eating the jelly beans she had gotten. It was luck.

PP is saying "no" not without checking the label. Anyone can make mistakes, 2 pairs of eyes is belt and suspenders.

Glad your kiddo is ok, OP. I know close calls are stressful.

It's really important to manage your image re: parent coordinators. They may not get the food allergy piece and are averse to changing things, especially when there was no harm. Have a therapist you can call or a parent friend of a kid with allergies. Work with your child to always check labels even when food is from YOU. And practice plan if exposed. Practice using expired epis on an orange or box of Kleenex. And then move on.

Learning to manage anxiety around food is key for you and for DD.

People who push divorce as a panacea when there are genuine safety concerns don't get it, it is extraordinarily stressful. But you need to manage your reactions to anyone associated with FC and with ex to keep the custody you have. Get help for that, OP. Not venting talk therapy but CBT or DBT. Post on Kids with Food Allergies for support.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are trying to turn this into a reason to get full custody, but this by itself is not going to do it. Document and move on.

Nope, not at all. I am trying to figure out how to keep her safe.

You do that by teaching her not to eat chocolate when she can't read the label, regardless of source.

You re-affirm her safety plan if exposed.

You focus on empowering her not on ex.

This was about holiday chocolate, not "meals." You have got to get a handle on your anxiety and trauma response. I have been there. At the level of FC intervention you sound at, presenting as other than calm & rational is a genuine LEGAL risk.

You protect your custody by getting CBT help for anxiety and possibly taking meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one has said anything other than vague “teach her to be safe”. No one can tell me that magic thing to teach her that isn’t interfering with her mom’s parenting time, that will keep her safe.

The magic thing is not to eat chocolate or asian food or baked goods without being able to read the label herself. They are most likely to contain her allergens. The other magic thing to teach is what to do if there is an accidental exposure. Don't just talk about it, have a written plan from allergist and practice/role play.

[Anonymous]

Op, the man haters are out tonight. If this was a woman posting how her ex had told their nut allergic daughter that he had gotten her safe chocolates since she couldn't eat the regular chocolates but then he didn't check the labels and actually gave her chocolate with nuts and the only reason daughter didn't eat it is as mom say it....no one would be telling mom that she has an anxiety disorder for being concerned and that no one should be upset or bothered or anxious at all about dad giving daughter 'safe' chocolate with nuts and that the only issue is that mom needs therapy.

There are actually other posts on here from women whose husbands give their children food with allergens and no one tells the OP to get get herself therapy and leave dad alone and let him give child whatever he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you haven’t said what your kid’s allergens are, unless I missed it. I’m going to assume they’re tree nuts and peanuts, given the Easter egg context. I’m also going to assume it was a chocolate bunny given the foil wrapped comment you made.

First thing you should teach your kid with nut allergies is to NEVER accept/eat chocolate that isn’t labeled with ingredients. Doesn’t matter if a parent gives it to them or not. No ingredients to read= hard pass. I know it’s hard/sad to see them unable to enjoy like other kids, but I’ve always taught my 14 year old son with nut allergies that no brownie or chocolate is worth having a reaction and that we will get a safe treat later.

It sounds like your kid knew that and refused, so good for her. She carries two epis all the time- good for her.

You know your ex best, but with nut allergies, sweets are really hard, so I wouldn’t necessarily extrapolate that a slip up with chocolate means all food your ex provides is now suspect. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to ever be 100% safe from allergens. There are always food recalls stating undeclared allergens found, etc.

Yes, treenut and peanut allergies.

I want to be clear on what you are saying. If your kid was at an Easter egg hunt, and didn’t eat anything because they know chocolate is unsafe, and then when they got home you gave them a replacement treat which was small wrapped candies you had taken out of a bag, or brownies you had baked, they wouldn’t eat them?

This was the safe treat later.

She didn’t eat it because she was still eating the jelly beans she had gotten. It was luck.

PP here. Yes, if I give him a piece of chocolate taken from a bag, he will often ask if it’s safe and to show him. If he doesn’t, I remind him that he failed to do so.

Is he a perfect allergy patient? Not at all. He sometimes refuses to take his epis, so your kid is way ahead of mine, but then he also won’t eat a single thing if he doesn’t have his epi with him. It’s a work in progress.

Like other posters, I also note that you seem to be now assuming that one chocolate mistake by your ex means no food or meal in the house is safe. As I said earlier, you know your ex best, but you didn’t give any indication that there have been previous issues. Is your ex forcing your daughter to eat Thai food, for example, or was it one mistake (that yes, I realize could’ve been catastrophic)? Both my husband and I have accidentally purchased items that were unsafe, but we don’t feed our son cuisines known to be unsafe for nut allergies. If your ex is doing stuff like that on a more global basis, yeah, you have a serious issue. A one time mistake? Can happen to anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll happen. You train your kid and really can't account for what other people will do. You won't be able to control everything.

You train your kid that they can’t trust their own parent?

You teach your kid that anyone can make mistakes so they always have to double check.

This is not hard. You guys need to grow up.

This. The kid wears a seatbelt in the car even if the parent is a safe driver right? Because accidents happen?

Excellent analogy.

OP, how did you leap from an accident re: once a year holiday candy to "meals are unsafe?"

You need CBT to manage your anxiety and not conflate.

As a parent of a kid with allergies to 6 of the top 8 foods, I get it is stressful. I'm divorced from someone I have safety concerns about, I get that too. But you need to be able to distinguish an accident that is isolated from ongoing patterns and not come across as hysterically conflating the 2. FC is not your friend and at the level of conflict that 3rd party coordinators suggests, all you can do is manage yourself. Once the FC vendors have their hooks in they will be happy to drain you both dry financially. You need to not play into that, it's not in your kids' interests. Managing anxiety is key, a low dose med might be helpful while you access the CBT techniques.

Re: ex, I found the free NAMI family to family course helpful, perhaps you may, too.

I think it's pretty clearly OP is trying to make this error into a big thing to paint the mom as a villain out to do harm to ensure she never sees the daughter again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you haven’t said what your kid’s allergens are, unless I missed it. I’m going to assume they’re tree nuts and peanuts, given the Easter egg context. I’m also going to assume it was a chocolate bunny given the foil wrapped comment you made.

First thing you should teach your kid with nut allergies is to NEVER accept/eat chocolate that isn’t labeled with ingredients. Doesn’t matter if a parent gives it to them or not. No ingredients to read= hard pass. I know it’s hard/sad to see them unable to enjoy like other kids, but I’ve always taught my 14 year old son with nut allergies that no brownie or chocolate is worth having a reaction and that we will get a safe treat later.

It sounds like your kid knew that and refused, so good for her. She carries two epis all the time- good for her.

You know your ex best, but with nut allergies, sweets are really hard, so I wouldn’t necessarily extrapolate that a slip up with chocolate means all food your ex provides is now suspect. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to ever be 100% safe from allergens. There are always food recalls stating undeclared allergens found, etc.

This was the safe treat mom gave her after and she trusted mom when it came to the replacement safe treat and didn't catch it. OP did as he recognized it and stopped her from eating it. Had daughter not called him then, she would have eaten it and more than likely had a reaction. While most on here say who cares - her problem. Some of us can understand (as an adult who had allergies as a child and a mother I couldn't trust to not give me nuts) how this makes daughter feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, you haven’t said what your kid’s allergens are, unless I missed it. I’m going to assume they’re tree nuts and peanuts, given the Easter egg context. I’m also going to assume it was a chocolate bunny given the foil wrapped comment you made.

First thing you should teach your kid with nut allergies is to NEVER accept/eat chocolate that isn’t labeled with ingredients. Doesn’t matter if a parent gives it to them or not. No ingredients to read= hard pass. I know it’s hard/sad to see them unable to enjoy like other kids, but I’ve always taught my 14 year old son with nut allergies that no brownie or chocolate is worth having a reaction and that we will get a safe treat later.

It sounds like your kid knew that and refused, so good for her. She carries two epis all the time- good for her.

You know your ex best, but with nut allergies, sweets are really hard, so I wouldn’t necessarily extrapolate that a slip up with chocolate means all food your ex provides is now suspect. Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to ever be 100% safe from allergens. There are always food recalls stating undeclared allergens found, etc.

This was the safe treat mom gave her after and she trusted mom when it came to the replacement safe treat and didn't catch it. OP did as he recognized it and stopped her from eating it. Had daughter not called him then, she would have eaten it and more than likely had a reaction. While most on here say who cares - her problem. Some of us can understand (as an adult who had allergies as a child and a mother I couldn't trust to not give me nuts) how this makes daughter feel.

I understand, but OP hasn’t said if this is a pattern of giving unsafe foods or a one-time thing. I believe that’s a very crucial piece of information. And the daughter needs more education to learn not to take an unlabeled piece of chocolate from a parent…no matter if it’s from OP or the ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll happen. You train your kid and really can't account for what other people will do. You won't be able to control everything.

You train your kid that they can’t trust their own parent?

You teach your kid that anyone can make mistakes so they always have to double check.

This is not hard. You guys need to grow up.

This. The kid wears a seatbelt in the car even if the parent is a safe driver right? Because accidents happen?

Excellent analogy.

OP, how did you leap from an accident re: once a year holiday candy to "meals are unsafe?"

You need CBT to manage your anxiety and not conflate.

As a parent of a kid with allergies to 6 of the top 8 foods, I get it is stressful. I'm divorced from someone I have safety concerns about, I get that too. But you need to be able to distinguish an accident that is isolated from ongoing patterns and not come across as hysterically conflating the 2. FC is not your friend and at the level of conflict that 3rd party coordinators suggests, all you can do is manage yourself. Once the FC vendors have their hooks in they will be happy to drain you both dry financially. You need to not play into that, it's not in your kids' interests. Managing anxiety is key, a low dose med might be helpful while you access the CBT techniques.

Re: ex, I found the free NAMI family to family course helpful, perhaps you may, too.

I don’t know what FC or a 3rd party coordinator means in this context. The 3rd party in this context is mom’s parent the kids’ grandparent. Since mom doesn’t talk to me at all, I need someone I can tell that I am sending antibiotics because a kid has an ear infection, and who can tell me when and where to drop off or pick up and what to pack. In this case, since the grandparent was at the celebration, after I talked to my daughter and said “hold off on eating the candy”, I texted grandparent that it needed to be sorted out.

This is part of a bigger pattern. Since separation, there have been multiple incidents including driving while intoxicated with kids in the car.

[Anonymous]

Vendetta.

Move on OP. If you had legit safety concerns you should have had a PRE or CFI or whatever it in your state. If this is just more mud at the wall/unproven allegations it’s starting to sound like slander.

Careful OP. Alienation is real.