Who here is regularly supporting their adult children financially?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has always been a HCOL area. I made $15,000 per year in my first job in 1996. I supported myself and lived in group housing and was able to have a great social life. Then I got married. I have never had my own place. I didn't know anybody in DC who had their own apartment straight out of college. I'm sure these unicorns exist, but, they were rare in my experience.

Exactly my experience. Lived with 3 strangers in a group house, including two guys. It was a hot mess, but I was on my own and my rent was no more than $500!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Oouf that's tough. A divorced man with kids accepting hand-out from his in-laws. Save that money for your daughter in some kind of rainy day fund. Tell them you're putting it away for them to have a downpayment for a house or something like that, but all in your daughter's name.

I do not understand why your son-in-law cannot attempt to modify the child support agreement to reflect a change in financial circumstances. Does he have a retirement fund from which he can take an in-service loan? And either your daughter or son-in-law should try to find secondary employment and less expensive housing. If they own a home or car, you could issue a promissory note to both of them and secure it against their assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

Ding dong it's not suffering...it's called doing it on your own. Fly...be free. This is PP btw. The enabling culture of parents these days is crippling to kids.

You can justify being nasty however you need in order to be able to sleep at night. I'll do whatever I want with my money and my kid will be better off for it.

OMG it's not being nasty by any means....My son is in college and knows he can come home at any time. Any time..but literally babying your kids into literal middle-aged-hood is ridiculous. They should not be living off of you when they are are 26/27 years old. If they are you have failed as a parent to teach them to be self sufficient. Period. I don't care about college or not. That's not the point. They need to be able to take care of [mastodon]themselves[/mastodon]. If that is not apparent at 22/23 then seriuously then you need to take a better look at your parenting

[Anonymous]

We paid for college for our kids, and they have primarily carried their own weight after graduation. All three had jobs when they graduated. They stay/stayed on our med insurance until they aged out, and we still pay for their cell phones. They pay their own rent, food, car insurance, etc., but one needed help with security deposit and first month rent in a very HCOL city. They are always welcome to come on our vacations (and we pay), and they have taken us up on that occasionally but usually they want to vacation with friends/SOs. One kid went back to grad school after a couple of years and we pay tuition and rent, but that will end on graduation day. We do plan to randomly gift them less than the annual limit but still a significant amount every few years on no set schedule, as we do not want them to count on this money.

[Anonymous]

We’re doing just fine, but our parents will pay all the grandkid tuition. We could pay it ourselves, but it’s a big estate tax benefit. You can thank the schools for lobbying for that. Anything paid directly to the schools isn’t a gift for annual and lifetime exemption purposes.

I’m not sure about daycare though.

[Anonymous]

If you are still supporting them, then you have failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

Really, really not. I can offer a much smoother transition for my child and there is nothing wrong with that.

I know someone like you. Not one of their kids is a fully independent adult. Parents pay for almost everything because they are used to their parent's lifestyle, and want it as adults. Because parents didn't want their kids to struggle like they did, the started it in the early years. And here the kids are in their 40s still dependent on mom and dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

Reading comprehension is also an important skill for adults. I specifically mention health issues. And I said nothing about a "hard life". I said struggle, and who in our younger years didn't struggle. You need to do some research on what makes a resilient person and one with self-worth and self-confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

I agree this is not ideal but also agree that it is a difficult situation.

I feel for both sets of parents here. I am expecting with my husband in the fall. We are 35 and 37. We have waited this long to have kids because it is so expensive. Our daycare will be close to $35k for the year. We can finally pay it with strong six figure salaries but we will also only be able to have one child. The state needs to help with this. It’s completely ridiculous that this is shouldered by families. Other western democracies have this figured out. We have decided that this is difficult for Americans. It’s a choice and we’ve made a bad one as a country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Do you mean like, you feel you can’t say no or you disagree with your spouse about it?

Well, the kids can't afford it. And they can't afford for one of them to stay home. I guess I'm angry that they didn't think this through and just figured it will all work out. And of course, it has. Mom and dad have solved the problem. She's 27 and he's 37. It's easy to say that we shouldn't pay daycare but then what? They make too much money to qualify for daycare vouchers but not enough to pay the monthly fee.

Um, I couldn't afford it either when I had my first kid at 28....guess what I did? I figured it out. The kid gets what he/she needs first and we get what what's left over....at 27/37 you should not be enabling this. Seriously.

PP here...btw....my parents didn't pay one dime towards my college education. I did all of it myself and although it took me 6 years I still did it. The more enabling you do, the more helplessness you encourage. I get it's hard but it's always going to be hard...throughout your life. I'm 50 and sometimes it's still hard but I don't ask my parents (they're not here anymore but even when they were I didn't) for a dime). There were sometimes in my marriage when daycare was more than my mortgage. Those were tough years but you pull it together and get through it.

My child is nowhere near the age to be on his own but posts like this make no sense at all. You suffered so everyone should?

If I have the means, and I can help my child out, I will. Period. Now PP is clearly doing it begrudgingly and I understand why, but people like you just annoy me. I paid for my own college too, but I also got lucky in a lot of respects. I'm not pushing unnecessary hardship on my kid to prove some stupid point.

DP here, but PP, you really aren't helping your child by constantly being there for them. They have to develop the skills in life to survive, and create a life of their own. I get if there are health issues, but you not wanting your child to struggle like you did is the very reason we are raising kids who don't know how to make it in life. And that creates entitlement and lack of self-worth.

This is also an attitude that results in zero generational wealth. Your belief that a hard life is required for self-worth may mean your grandkids won't be able to afford college or grad school or buy a home. It means that if they get really sick, they'll be burdened by medical bills and may not be able to make rent. Having a safety net for your kids and grandkids isn't creating entitlement, it means that they can live healthy, productive lives free of crushing debt.

This

I can only repeat that I specifically mention health issues would be considered differently. I really don't understand how people can't read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We didn’t until they each were married and then we started giving them annual gifts that they invest. We also fund grandkid 529 plans. They don’t need to money but they certainly appreciate it and I have no desire to ever pay estate taxes.

You won't ever pay because you will be dead.

PP, call for help. You are crying out online through your desperate angry posts. There’s a crisis line where you live. Google your county or state and crisis line.

[Anonymous]

We are. He's 24, has a master's degree in a liberal arts type subject. This is the last year, I certainly hope.

[Anonymous]

HHI $270K. DS2 is in college. We pay tuition, room and board. He has a campus job that pays for his incidentals and also works during summers. Unfortunately, he will have to move off- campus next year, and is going to need a car, so we're planning to buy a used one for him.

My DS1, now 26, was almost completely self- supporting after graduating. We kept him on our health insurance, but other than that he was on his own. He shared an apartment. No car. We did pay for him to come on a few vacations with us.

Last fall, he entered a PhD program. He's fully funded, but it's pretty much subsistence living, so we agreed to help him with rent. He lives with 2 other students in a 3-BR apartment. We also gave him my 14-y.o. car after I bought a new one. He's aged off our health insurance, so gets it thru school. I expect we'll be helping with rent until he graduates. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don't have any worries about DS1's ability to take care of himself, he was doing so with problem before. If we cut him off now, he would be okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are now paying daycare expenses for our first grandchild. My daughter carries their health insurance and her husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage that he has to pay child support for.

I'm not happy about it but I'm not sure what to do about it.

Oouf that's tough. A divorced man with kids accepting hand-out from his in-laws. Save that money for your daughter in some kind of rainy day fund. Tell them you're putting it away for them to have a downpayment for a house or something like that, but all in your daughter's name.

+1 I would contribute to a fund in your daughter's name only don't say that it's for the couple/family. They should try to pay for daycare out of marital expenses not from you. If your DD knows there's a rainy day fund for her, she may be more comfortable stretching their income to cover daycare. Her DH may be a lovely human in a tough situation but there are a few red flags there and it would be better to keep the funds as a gift to her in her name. If you let them know that you are building this fund address any cards/messages to her only so it's not considered a marital asset. Alternatively, tell them you can no longer pay the full daycare and direct half to this rainy day fund.

This is crazy. Of course you should continue to pay for daycare. You are helping your daughter with that. Otherwise she would be stressed out of her mind having to work more or finding sub-par daycare. She is stretched thin as it is.