TTC at 45, two healthy kids at 40 & 42

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you are wealthy, but even so still selfish

I am wealthy, love children, have whom I adore. They are healthy, high functioning, golden children and bring us immense joy. I am a very good, involved mom and feel like I have it in me to give more of myself to a new human being. I plan on trying for as long as I continue to ovulate.

[Anonymous]

“..Brigitte Nielsen on giving birth at 54: ‘I was trying until there were no embryos left’”

https://www.theguardian.com/culture/2019/feb/11/brigitte-nielsen-on-giving-birth-at-54-i-was-trying-until-there-were-no-embryos-left




I love Brigitte and I find her to be an inspiration.

OP enjoyed this journey and only focus on the positive feedback

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a 31 year old dealing with end of life care for my elderly father, who was 46 when I was born, know that you are making a selfish choice because of your admitted mid-life crisis. I’ve had to unpack a lot of anger and resentment about having old parents in therapy. I am in the prime of my life and have to spend it clouded by acute grief and anticipatory grief and all the logistics. It really sucks.

This was me but a bit older with little ones. No grandparents for my kids and no grandparents for me since I was born to older parents.

Me as well. End of life care for my father when I had preschoolers and now with elementary aged kids my mother is starting to need regular help. None of my friends are dealing with this sandwich generation stuff yet and it’s tiring. I’m not angry or resentful, just burdened and sad that I and my kids had so much less time with them that we should. And grateful that my in-laws are still able to be active grandparents.

Same. It’s exhausting and it’s expensive. Others are certainly not dealing with it. I turn off social media sometimes just so I don’t see what others holidays look like with their moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do this to a person. Why would you make your child have to struggle with aging and dying parents in their 30s when they should be focusing on their career and their young family? Insanely selfish.

Both my grandmothers and one grandad are still alive. 88, 88, 91. One grandma still tends to her garden and takes daily walks with her dog…
Healthy people with good genes are not dying in their mid 70s these days, which is where your math puts me. Not to mention that sometimes you lose a parent young when cancer/aneurisms/accident gets them.

I said 30s. You will be 76 or 77 when this person turns 30. No matter how optimistic you are about your longevity, they will be dealing with aging and parents (not grandparents—much different) well before their peers. Because you just neeeeed a third baby.

OP is already an old mom according to her post. Layoff.

[Anonymous]

Im 44, conceived two easily at 35 and 39, and my periods are like clockwork so I know I’m ovulating. At 39, I thought I was too old so I had an RE appointment and work up. She told me not to worry and that my age was great and to just try naturally. She was right. I emailed her again a few years later to ask about a third, she told me “you’re obviously fertile, if you want a baby, go for it.” So, nature and an RE told me to go for it when I was 43. OP, I don’t see an issue at 45.

(Btw we decided against a third but that’s not related to age.)

[Anonymous]

I think nature is telling you something, here. Quit while you’re ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stop while you are ahead, stop before 36

I had both of mine after 36 and they are brilliant. Both at the top of their class at a top school, good athletes, good musicians, good at so many things! As far as I am concerned, old eggs are the best eggs because I cannot imagine better children. My RE claims that you either have a chromosomal normal embryo or you don’t. Once that hurdle is cleared, it’s total luck which genes get expressed and that has nothing to do with the parents’s age. She is a top RE in NYC, so I trust her explicitly.

When and how did your doctor recommend checking for that chromosomally normal baby when you’re 40? I know there are several options and some are apparently risky. But maybe worth the risk? Or did she say that the abnormal ones would naturally abort themselves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like flying too close to the sun. You have two perfect kids - why risk having a complicated pregnancy or a kid with disabilities?

OP here. I am comfortable terminating if the prenatal results come up problematic. Which leaves only autism, but we have no one on the spectrum at either side of the family. DH is a couple of years younger than me.

I have no thoughts on whether you should try for another at 45, but this simply isn’t true. Even microarray on amnio doesn’t test for every possible genetic condition. A child in my family was unfortunately born with a severe disorder, a surprise at birth. Only sophisticated genetic testing after birth could determine the issue.

I agree with this. At the very minimum OP should do amnio and microarray.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:stop while you are ahead, stop before 36

I had both of mine after 36 and they are brilliant. Both at the top of their class at a top school, good athletes, good musicians, good at so many things! As far as I am concerned, old eggs are the best eggs because I cannot imagine better children. My RE claims that you either have a chromosomal normal embryo or you don’t. Once that hurdle is cleared, it’s total luck which genes get expressed and that has nothing to do with the parents’s age. She is a top RE in NYC, so I trust her explicitly.

When and how did your doctor recommend checking for that chromosomally normal baby when you’re 40? I know there are several options and some are apparently risky. But maybe worth the risk? Or did she say that the abnormal ones would naturally abort themselves?

CVS at 10.5-11 weeks. If done with an experienced, reputable doctor, the miscarriage risk is close to 1 in 1,000. I am not equipped to raise a severely disabled child, so to me that risk is worth it. To others it might not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like flying too close to the sun. You have two perfect kids - why risk having a complicated pregnancy or a kid with disabilities?

OP here. I am comfortable terminating if the prenatal results come up problematic. Which leaves only autism, but we have no one on the spectrum at either side of the family. DH is a couple of years younger than me.

This is really a conditional way of thinking. If you are only ready for a child if he/she is perfect, then don't do it. You can't diagnose every issue in utero. And just as important, you cannot predict how you will feel about terminating a pregnancy for a bad diagnosis. You are already longing for a child that doesn't exist yet. Can you imagine living rest of your life grieving/wondering about a child that did exist briefly and the what ifs? And questions of the accuracy of that diagnostic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like flying too close to the sun. You have two perfect kids - why risk having a complicated pregnancy or a kid with disabilities?

OP here. I am comfortable terminating if the prenatal results come up problematic. Which leaves only autism, but we have no one on the spectrum at either side of the family. DH is a couple of years younger than me.

This is really a conditional way of thinking. If you are only ready for a child if he/she is perfect, then don't do it. You can't diagnose every issue in utero. And just as important, you cannot predict how you will feel about terminating a pregnancy for a bad diagnosis. You are already longing for a child that doesn't exist yet. Can you imagine living rest of your life grieving/wondering about a child that did exist briefly and the what ifs? And questions of the accuracy of that diagnostic?

I don’t question science. When a test is genetic and tells me with 100% certainty what is or is not, I believe it.
Children don’t “briefly exist.” Embryos and fetuses do.
I terminated a chromosomally abnormal pregnancy in the past and don’t have any regrets.

[Anonymous]

do not do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's just so unbelievably arrogant and myopic. A third child at 45 is just a truly dick move to your kids.

I'm certainly not a traditionalist, but the trend of waiting to have children until you are in your 40s is not good. And yes, it is a trend. Reinforced by some kind of weirdly specific competitive streak (There is a running competition in the PAW - princeton alumni weekly - for "oldest mom" in the class notes section) in women and laziness in men.

for one, I'm worried that the genetic material is just subpar. All these ancient eggs and sperm, they just aren't the best. Getting around this issue with PURCHASED generic material - eggs, sperm or womb - is not the solution, it's a second problem.

Then of course....everyone "thinks" they are impervious to aging, illness, dementia, cancer, bad luck - but you aren't. Even something as simple as a bad back or bum knees. Those things are annoying when you have teens or college age kids, but will be a game changer if you have a five year old. Early onset dementia is more common than you'd like to think. And again, a problem when you are retired, but a life-altering complication if you have a teenager at home.

In the end, the real losers in this "trend" are the kids.

all of this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like flying too close to the sun. You have two perfect kids - why risk having a complicated pregnancy or a kid with disabilities?

OP here. I am comfortable terminating if the prenatal results come up problematic. Which leaves only autism, but we have no one on the spectrum at either side of the family. DH is a couple of years younger than me.

This is really a conditional way of thinking. If you are only ready for a child if he/she is perfect, then don't do it. You can't diagnose every issue in utero. And just as important, you cannot predict how you will feel about terminating a pregnancy for a bad diagnosis. You are already longing for a child that doesn't exist yet. Can you imagine living rest of your life grieving/wondering about a child that did exist briefly and the what ifs? And questions of the accuracy of that diagnostic?

I don’t question science. When a test is genetic and tells me with 100% certainty what is or is not, I believe it.
Children don’t “briefly exist.” Embryos and fetuses do.
I terminated a chromosomally abnormal pregnancy in the past and don’t have any regrets.

That's nice for you, but no test is 100% accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like flying too close to the sun. You have two perfect kids - why risk having a complicated pregnancy or a kid with disabilities?

OP here. I am comfortable terminating if the prenatal results come up problematic. Which leaves only autism, but we have no one on the spectrum at either side of the family. DH is a couple of years younger than me.

Surprise! No autism either side of our families - our kid is autistic!