Surname change after adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, my son wants to be adopted and loves his new dad. He has no opinion on his name change however - at least not yet. He likes that his new Dad’s name is shorter and will take less time to write!

As I said, if my son doesn’t take my new husband’s name I won’t either. We left the door open to possibly having another child together but right now neither wants another.

I would change your last name and your son's last name. But I would also add a middle name you your son to honor his birth father, either first or the original last. On a daily basis your son will not have to use it, but it will be a nice way to acknowledge his birth father and their family.

From my perspective names flow from the father's side. This is true in almost all western an asian cultures. Sons carry the father's name for life and that's how we track family trees. If you change his name you are basically breaking the lineage which is not right. Just because you met some new guy doesn't mean the father's family tree should cease to exist.

agreed on this. Your son’s father is his FATHER, not his “birth father”, someon who willingly surrendered a child for adoption. The father’s death doesn’t mean he is not a father.

I'm PP at 11:48. From my perspective a father is more than his name. I may not carry my father's name and have no memories of him, but he is still part of me. I see it every day with my oldest child who has his eyes! But sharing the names of men who loved me and supported me is equally important. Even though none of my children look like my stepfathers (for obvious reasons), the first they hear stories about and the second is part of their lives. These two men made me who I am, especially as a parent.
Again, I can't tell the OP what is the best path for her son, but I don't believe me changing my name erased part of my identity rather it added to it.
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[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yes, my son wants to be adopted and loves his new dad. He has no opinion on his name change however - at least not yet. He likes that his new Dad’s name is shorter and will take less time to write!

As I said, if my son doesn’t take my new husband’s name I won’t either. We left the door open to possibly having another child together but right now neither wants another.

I would change your last name and your son's last name. But I would also add a middle name you your son to honor his birth father, either first or the original last. On a daily basis your son will not have to use it, but it will be a nice way to acknowledge his birth father and their family.

From my perspective names flow from the father's side. This is true in almost all western an asian cultures. Sons carry the father's name for life and that's how we track family trees. If you change his name you are basically breaking the lineage which is not right. Just because you met some new guy doesn't mean the father's family tree should cease to exist.

agreed on this. Your son’s father is his FATHER, not his “birth father”, someon who willingly surrendered a child for adoption. The father’s death doesn’t mean he is not a father.

I'm PP at 11:48. From my perspective a father is more than his name. I may not carry my father's name and have no memories of him, but he is still part of me. I see it every day with my oldest child who has his eyes! But sharing the names of men who loved me and supported me is equally important. Even though none of my children look like my stepfathers (for obvious reasons), the first they hear stories about and the second is part of their lives. These two men made me who I am, especially as a parent.
Again, I can't tell the OP what is the best path for her son, but I don't believe me changing my name erased part of my identity rather it added to it.
+

Then, you keep both names and the child has two last names.

[Anonymous]

Different perspective here: my brother died 10 years ago, when my nephews were 4 years old and 4 months old. It was the worst tragedy of all of our lives. We work. eRY hard to stay in their lives despite a difficult and fraught relationship with their mother, who is unstable. We have a huge extended family and we all deeply love my brother’s boys and work hard to let them know they are important members of their dad’s family. Many, many times we have reassured them that they are Murphys or Shaunesseys or [insert our name here]. To them, it’s a stable, important connection.

I would be devastated if my SIL changed their names if she remarried. It would be like another death. Disappearing my brother from their identities, literally. We would be gutted.

[Anonymous]

you could take new husband's last name and your son could have it hyphenated, like Joe Smith-Taylor....and you could also become Kate Taylor....

[Anonymous]

Why can’t your husband parent your son without imposing his name on him? Is he that weak?