How to just listen?

[Anonymous]

My father has a long-term illness and my mom calls me almost daily to vent to me about his issues. I don’t know how to just listen; I always want to offer suggestions and try to solve issues, and she gets so angry. She is very resentful, scared, sad, and stressed. She refuses to join a support group. They have no other family, and I have no siblings. She’s a very high-strung person under the best of circumstances, and this has only exasperated the anxiety.

I just don’t know what she wants me to say, what she wants to hear from me. Example: “I’m so upset. Your father promised he’d paint the hallway before he got sick, now he can’t.” I’ll offer a solution like, “Well, John and I can come paint one weekend, or we can pull together some cash and have Bob’s sister’s husband get it done.” She will get so mad, “You just don’t get it do you, he can’t do anything around the house anymore.”

I help when I can, I really do. But she’s so stubborn and doesn’t want it. I’ve said, “I’m so sorry this is all happening, mom” so many times, she’s now mad and told me to stop telling her how sorry I am.

I’m failing here. I’m always saying the wrong thing. Please help, dcum, what do I say? What words is she looking for from me? How do I just listen?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, it's so hard to help selfish, cantankerous people.

Even though your mother is suffering, I believe you are entitled to a little push-back. "Mom, what do you want me to do or say? Do you just need me to listen and not say a word? Because these days you pick a fight with me whatever I do."

Does your father need a lot of help, and is your mother the daily caregiver? Does she get breaks from that?

I worry that I may be in your shoes one day, OP. My mother is selfish and expects my father to do everything, but he hasn't been well, and she always manages to make it all about herself and what she's getting or not getting out of a situation. It's very sad to see, after all these years where my father took care of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm sorry OP, it's so hard to help selfish, cantankerous people.

Even though your mother is suffering, I believe you are entitled to a little push-back. "Mom, what do you want me to do or say? Do you just need me to listen and not say a word? Because these days you pick a fight with me whatever I do."

Does your father need a lot of help, and is your mother the daily caregiver? Does she get breaks from that?

I worry that I may be in your shoes one day, OP. My mother is selfish and expects my father to do everything, but he hasn't been well, and she always manages to make it all about herself and what she's getting or not getting out of a situation. It's very sad to see, after all these years where my father took care of her.

He doesn’t need a lot of help per se, mostly just help coordinating his medical care and calls (he can’t hear on a phone) and she’s the only one authorized to discuss his care (and complains but won’t allow anyone else to help with it.) He’s mostly just physically not able to do as much anymore. But he’s also in his 70s, so I doubt the illness is completely the cause of his lack of stamina.

My mother is the ultimate martyr; she complained all summer that they couldn’t take their usual vacation because of his illness, TO HIM! So what you’re describing is spot on my mom.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t want your practical solutions. She wants you to hug you physically if possible. She’s realizing he’s dying and she’s overwhelmed with living alone and elder care.

It’s not about painting the hallway. It’s fear of being alone. She needs you to make her a cup of tea/coffee, take a walk, talk about something other than the topic of Dad to feel that everything will be OK.

She needs you present. Are you able to get to her?

[Anonymous]

You get worn down. It is exhausting. How are you holding up?Are the daily calls impacting your well being? Does her anger border on being abusive? At some you many have to set limits, and that can be challenging at first.

"Mom, how can I be of help?" If the response is a blast of anger, you may have to say "I want to be of help, but I will no longer be spoken to that way. I'm going to let you go for now, and we can talk again tomorrow."

There may not be a right thing to say. She is scared,frustrated and resistant to change.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s an unfair pressure to manage as a child in this type of parenting dynamic. I think PP’s advice is constructive; try it once and if it deesnt help much, just explain “I’ll quietly listen from now on unless you ask specifically for my opinion or help with the matter. I want to respect what you’re asking.”

Then do it. It will be tough, but only initially. It gets easier and it may change the environment to allow for a more meaningful and mutually valued conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want your practical solutions. She wants you to hug you physically if possible. She’s realizing he’s dying and she’s overwhelmed with living alone and elder care.

It’s not about painting the hallway. It’s fear of being alone. She needs you to make her a cup of tea/coffee, take a walk, talk about something other than the topic of Dad to feel that everything will be OK.

She needs you present. Are you able to get to her?

I do visit once a week. Funny, we actually DO have coffee and walk, each time! And we talk about other things too, just random anecdotes from the day. But it always comes back to the griping, and I just fail each time. I don’t know what to say. I know she wants something from me, but I don’t have the words.

[Anonymous]

A former PP here and just want to add that all the responses thus far are really valuable points to consider, and I think absolutely applicable. It could be a huge range of factors all coming together and shaping this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want your practical solutions. She wants you to hug you physically if possible. She’s realizing he’s dying and she’s overwhelmed with living alone and elder care.

It’s not about painting the hallway. It’s fear of being alone. She needs you to make her a cup of tea/coffee, take a walk, talk about something other than the topic of Dad to feel that everything will be OK.

She needs you present. Are you able to get to her?

I do visit once a week. Funny, we actually DO have coffee and walk, each time! And we talk about other things too, just random anecdotes from the day. But it always comes back to the griping, and I just fail each time. I don’t know what to say. I know she wants something from me, but I don’t have the words.

Then just have the ear. Let the words stay in. Try it. That is what she is asking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A former PP here and just want to add that all the responses thus far are really valuable points to consider, and I think absolutely applicable. It could be a huge range of factors all coming together and shaping this.

They’re wonderful. I’m so grateful I wasn’t attacked! I appreciate and am taking these responses to heart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want your practical solutions. She wants you to hug you physically if possible. She’s realizing he’s dying and she’s overwhelmed with living alone and elder care.

It’s not about painting the hallway. It’s fear of being alone. She needs you to make her a cup of tea/coffee, take a walk, talk about something other than the topic of Dad to feel that everything will be OK.

She needs you present. Are you able to get to her?

I do visit once a week. Funny, we actually DO have coffee and walk, each time! And we talk about other things too, just random anecdotes from the day. But it always comes back to the griping, and I just fail each time. I don’t know what to say. I know she wants something from me, but I don’t have the words.

Then just have the ear. Let the words stay in. Try it. That is what she is asking for.

Just a lot of “I understand’s” and “Mmmhmm’s”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t want your practical solutions. She wants you to hug you physically if possible. She’s realizing he’s dying and she’s overwhelmed with living alone and elder care.

It’s not about painting the hallway. It’s fear of being alone. She needs you to make her a cup of tea/coffee, take a walk, talk about something other than the topic of Dad to feel that everything will be OK.

She needs you present. Are you able to get to her?

I do visit once a week. Funny, we actually DO have coffee and walk, each time! And we talk about other things too, just random anecdotes from the day. But it always comes back to the griping, and I just fail each time. I don’t know what to say. I know she wants something from me, but I don’t have the words.

Then just have the ear. Let the words stay in. Try it. That is what she is asking for.

Just a lot of “I understand’s” and “Mmmhmm’s”?

Yes. Bingo. “I see”, “right”, “wow” and a question “and what do you think about that?” Can also go far and help you become a more engaged, active listener.

[Anonymous]

It really won’t hurt to seek more understanding and also the added bonus benefit of truly working to just listen: it stretches and strengthens our awareness and development of emotional intelligence too. People communicate with much more than only words, and if you can interpret context emotionally it really helps strengthen empathy or make more accurate judgments of the climate of your environment over time. It strengthens objectivity, in my (newfound) experience.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes you can just say "I hear you."

My mom complains a lot about my infirm father, too. I realized that in always trying to offer a solution, I was coming across as a nag. Sometimes she just needs an ear. My kids have a great relationship with her, so when I get the sense that she's lonely and just need to talk, I pas her off to the kids. She doesn't complain to them, so I think it helps her break out of her pity party.

[Anonymous]

OP your mother needs to accept that this is her new normal and make the best of it.

He is alive and coherent - something to be grateful for. Get her to write down all the pros and none of the cons.

Tell her she cannot complain to you daily as it achieves nothing and makes you both feel worse.

She needs to work on her positivity / coping mechanisms and you need to stop letting her rant on.

It won't stop unless you do. It can carry on for many many years. Believe me.