How can you be a good friend to a kid and their family when the kid got ‘cut’ from a travel team?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
A couple kids got cut from my kids ‘A’ team this year, and it sucks because they were really nice kids and nice families. You spend so much time together on the sidelines and the kids and families are a part of your life with carpools, trips, etc. I had the experience a few years back of my kid not getting asked to be on a special one-off team and the other parents avoided us and lied about where they were going when plans conflicted. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to hurt my kids’ feelings or ours as parents for that matter, but at the time it really stung because we were all already feeling bummed not to be a part of things. So, I know it can hurt feelings not only of the kid but of the parent. I don’t want to inadvertently do this to someone else.
What is the best way to proceed? I don’t want to avoid these friends because I like them, but we were friends by circumstance and now the circumstances have changed. |
Anonymous
| How is this a question? You either want to stay in touch and become real friends and not just friends by circumstance, or you let it go and don't try to "console" them because they're just friends by circumstance. |
Anonymous
| Not planning to console anyone...but it does feel like the elephant in the room if you don’t say anything. Don’t really want to bring it up but would like to stay friends..friendly I suppose. Don’t socialize with anyone outside the sport, there isn’t time. |
Anonymous
|
BTDT. You sound like a really nice and kind person. Like you, we've been on both sides. What I remember most from being on the "cut" side is that all of a sudden we lost an entire social network and it almost felt like we were being shunned. I think your post alludes to the same feelings. It was upsetting to see how people we thought were friends suddenly were running the other way when they saw us.
I think it is better to reach out than to ignore the elephant in the room. I don't know how old your child is but maybe reach out for some one-on-one playdates -- NOT the pity party play date with your son and all the kids who were cut (!!!) but one-on-one play dates or family parties. I also think it is okay to say something like "I wanted to reach out to tell you that we're really sorry that Larlo isn't on the team. He has such great rebound skills and his jump shot is fabulous. Mazlo will miss playing with him this season but hopefully they'll be together again next season. In the meantime, we don't want their friendship to languish. Is Larlo available to come over to watch Coco for movie and popcorn night, and maybe sleep over?" |
Anonymous
You won’t have time for them anyway. Won’t most weekends be spent at sports venues? |
Anonymous
| No, there isn’t time BUT I don’t want to shun— and we’ll still see them on different teams at the same venues. Been on the cut side too and people ignored because they don’t know what to say. I think I’ll reach out to have kids gtg or lunch with the moms (one on one not group! Lol) it’s a crappy thing to go through because you miss the camaraderie. |
Anonymous
|
I'm not sure how old your child is but we have been through this on several teams (my DC is 16) and its always a little awkward. If its someone I like I continue to text them and try to get together or I usually let the relationship fizzle and move on to new acquaintances on the new team or not. Recently my DC wasn't picked for a travel team which has some of his friends but when I hung out with one of the moms we just talked about the boys new teams and schedules, it wasn't a big deal.
Just remember this is going to go on all through middle school and high school. In middle school and high school teams, rec and travel clubs. The kids are always shifting around due to other interests and academics. If its a group you like just say, "don't forget to include me, I miss seeing you!" Don't regret an experience because you didn't reach out 1st if that's what you wanted to do. Others may not take the initiative. |
Anonymous
| I got a 'spreading gossip' lecture from the cut players family after reaching out to them. A former team manager wanted to make an offer to the cut player and asked me to contact to see if they were interested. They knew well in advance of tryouts that they were not being asked back, so I thought I was helping. I regret contacting them and won't be doing that again. |
Anonymous
|
Call, text or email and say:
I'm really, really bummed about the tryout outcome. We've loved watching your kid play with mine. My kid loved having yours as a teammate. And, I loved spending time with you at games. We are going to miss you. Tell them how you feel. All you can control is how you are feeling - which is genuine and from a place of love. How they react is out of your control. We are facing a similar situation - tempered about the year ahead without dear friend/teammate to share it with. The other mom and I appreciate how unhappy we both are - from our unique perspectives. |
Anonymous
| What? Just act naturally. Acting like you have to lie about where you're going or send some kind of condolences is weird and would be insulting. In law school my best friend/roommate got a clerkship and I didn't. It stung for about 2 days then it was fine. |
Anonymous
So there is your answer. You were never friends to begin with, and they probably don't feel as badly as you think they must. |
Anonymous
|
From a parent in this situation now I hope you would talk openly about how the team is doing. It's fun to hear news even if your child is no longer on the team. I would be happy if you asked me how my child likes her new team.
There are parents who just avoid the subject altogether and that's really awkward and hurtful. When you ask how their weekend went they will demur and it will turn out they had a big tournament. Just tell me about the tournament! I will be happy if the team did well and share in your sadness if the team did not. The weirdest situation we had was when we were at a BBQ recently and the parents were talking about how they were celebrating after some game but when they noticed I was there and was confused they actually LIED and pretended they were talking about their older child's birthday party. Really strange and awkward. |
Anonymous
You have buried the lede, OP. This is sad, and not healthy, for you or your son. |
Anonymous
| Don’t console or say you are sorry unless you know for sure they are upset. My daughter’s friend made a high team and my daughter did not. DD is not upset at all and I don’t care either way. My DD is still playing on a different, less competitive team and that’s all she cares about. She loves the sport but has a lot of other interests. As parents we all act normally. The other mom asks me sincerely about my daughter’s games and I ask about her daughter’s. Our friendship isn’t competitive. |
Anonymous
| My only advice would be not to be fake. DS played for a high level travel team one year, then the following year played for a lower level team because he wanted to make more of an impact. When the previous coach saw him, he was always like "Where have you been? Why are you playing with these guys and not us?" When DS's new club ran into problems and suddenly imploded mid season, previous coach didn't respond to texts asking if they needed guys and was really weird when we saw him at tournaments (after DS found a new team). A simple "no, we don't need players" would have been fine. |