How can you be a good friend to a kid and their family when the kid got ‘cut’ from a travel team?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From a parent in this situation now I hope you would talk openly about how the team is doing. It's fun to hear news even if your child is no longer on the team. I would be happy if you asked me how my child likes her new team.

There are parents who just avoid the subject altogether and that's really awkward and hurtful. When you ask how their weekend went they will demur and it will turn out they had a big tournament. Just tell me about the tournament! I will be happy if the team did well and share in your sadness if the team did not. The weirdest situation we had was when we were at a BBQ recently and the parents were talking about how they were celebrating after some game but when they noticed I was there and was confused they actually LIED and pretended they were talking about their older child's birthday party. Really strange and awkward.

Agreed. Having had my unexpectedly child cut from an A team with his good friends and with great parents with whom we were friends, I agree that avoiding the subject altogether is hurtful. Maybe I took it too seriously, but you spend so much time with these people during the season that it hurts to hear nothing from them as if you and your child did not exist. My child may have been cut, but I still support the other kids on the team and want to hear how they are doing.

While it may be awkward at first to deal with the parents of the cut player, from my perspective, a text saying something like "it isn't the same without you guys" would be greatly appreciated. The other parent can take it from there. Personally, I appreciate when the A team parents ask how my child is doing and we still keep in touch with parents from various teams that our kids have played on. Even if a coach didn't want my child, I still want his friends to succeed!!

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[Anonymous]

You're giving sports way way too much weight in your and your kids' life. Please get some perspective. My guess the parents of the "cut" kid are glad not to have to deal anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not planning to console anyone...but it does feel like the elephant in the room if you don’t say anything. Don’t really want to bring it up but would like to stay friends..friendly I suppose. Don’t socialize with anyone outside the sport, there isn’t time.

So there is your answer. You were never friends to begin with, and they probably don't feel as badly as you think they must.

Yeah, you're not really friends with these people. They were, at best, friends of convenience, and now that they aren't convenient any more, you're not going to make any effort to spend time with them.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you're not friends. My kids have never been cut from an A squad, so I can't say what it's like to be the cut one. On the other hand, my kids focus on the sport and don't bother with people who are not approaching their level. So maybe if your kid had been more focused and ruthless, he would have made the A squad and none of this would have happened.

[Anonymous]

Most friends are that because of circumstance or convenience - it's called propiniquity in social psychology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most friends are that because of circumstance or convenience - it's called propiniquity in social psychology.

This.

Change and moving on is hard and things just can't be the same going forward. The biggest connection you had with the others parents was the team. If you have someone you got together with outside of the team and did things with that revolved around your own interests as an adult then that's the person you keep in touch with. I wouldn't send condolence messages to other parents but if you see them in person express that you will miss them and ask about their child etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're not friends. My kids have never been cut from an A squad, so I can't say what it's like to be the cut one. On the other hand, my kids focus on the sport and don't bother with people who are not approaching their level. So maybe if your kid had been more focused and ruthless, he would have made the A squad and none of this would have happened.

Sports teach literally everyone humility eventually. I hope when you and your kids learn it, the process is not too painful.

[Anonymous]

Stop saying stuff like their kids got cut and could not make A team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop saying stuff like their kids got cut and could not make A team.

God, YES! It’s the parents making such a big deal of little kid stuff that drives me nuts.

We left our County Club because the parents were always sizing everyone up and looking for connections. If you could be a “use” to them they were suck ups. They self-segregated as well. Gossiped big time and bad mouthed kids behind everyone’s back (adults!). If a kid was moved up or asked to move up, they ripped them apart and questioned “why” amongst themselves. I always found it so ironic that they focused on the wrong stuff, like team placement in the little kid years when all they should have cared about was individual development. But, it’s usually the parents that didn’t play competitively themselves that are the most caught up in the bullshit.

It was a social pecking order. The most normal people were the ones that didn’t use the Club for their own social life and self-fulfillment. Not all Clubs are like this and it was good to move and be around normal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, you're not friends. My kids have never been cut from an A squad, so I can't say what it's like to be the cut one. On the other hand, my kids focus on the sport and don't bother with people who are not approaching their level. So maybe if your kid had been more focused and ruthless, he would have made the A squad and none of this would have happened.

Sports teach literally everyone humility eventually. I hope when you and your kids learn it, the process is not too painful.

Yes. The best kids are nice to their teammates. The most gracious kid I know, nice and humble, has been asked to the USNT camp. It’s the little arrogant, nasty shits with parents to match that think they are the next superstar. Wrong values for a team sport and it catches up to them.

[Anonymous]

More evidence of the mania of the travel sports culture.

[Anonymous]

I hate kids sports - this stuff is just so ridiculous. Our kids’ travel team would cut kids just to keep the other kids working hard - we’re talking 10-11 year olds here ( hi Karen!). Good thing you’re paying for this kind of treatment, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate kids sports - this stuff is just so ridiculous. Our kids’ travel team would cut kids just to keep the other kids working hard - we’re talking 10-11 year olds here ( hi Karen!). Good thing you’re paying for this kind of treatment, right?

This is so true! At our former team, the as..le coach invited to his upper sessions some kids and didn’t move mine just because we didn’t pay long enough for his “clinics” and didn’t fit socially with other gossiping parents who self-segregated. I couldn’t even talk to anybody for 2 years, was so disgusted! My kid had superior results and continued to improve better even while being at a lower group. It’s a sport where individual results are all published, very talent-dependent no matter what coach does, so I knew for certain. It will take a write a book to describe the ass..le “stars” behavior. We switched as soon as my kid was offered placement by merits elsewhere. I said I wasn’t paying a single cent for that s..t anymore.
But interesingly, the strongest kids from former club were nicest and they still cheer for each other at competitions, even though we are on a different team now.

[Anonymous]

We have been on both sides of this in the past couple years, kid was cut from the travel team without any notice, but then made the HS varsity team whereas none of the former teammates at the high school made it. A little awkward all around at first due to the disappointment, mostly for the parents not the kid, but you just have to keep talking and after a month you can ask about the teams without feeling resentful and everyone is moving on. The kids make new friends and are busy with their new teams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have been on both sides of this in the past couple years, kid was cut from the travel team without any notice, but then made the HS varsity team whereas none of the former teammates at the high school made it. A little awkward all around at first due to the disappointment, mostly for the parents not the kid, but you just have to keep talking and after a month you can ask about the teams without feeling resentful and everyone is moving on. The kids make new friends and are busy with their new teams.

And your experience is a very good example that all those age group level “travel teams”, invitational groups etc. is very much who fits best at a specific period of time/group, more likable by coaches etc. It’s not necessarily about your kid or their kids sport performance. When parents understand this simple fact, the process gets easier