Need to leave, can’t stomach it

[Anonymous]

I know I need to leave. Can’t stomach not seeing my kids everyday. Tell me positive stories about how it all worked out. My kids are in formative middle school years. I know this would be the worst time.

I know I’ll eventually leave. I can peel back my bandaid and heal. I fear their’s would be worse now. Not sure I can wait until college. That’s a long time away.

I should’ve done this 5 years ago. I feel trapped. I know the kids need me daily now more than ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I need to leave. Can’t stomach not seeing my kids everyday. Tell me positive stories about how it all worked out. My kids are in formative middle school years. I know this would be the worst time.

I know I’ll eventually leave. I can peel back my bandaid and heal. I fear their’s would be worse now. Not sure I can wait until college. That’s a long time away.

I should’ve done this 5 years ago. I feel trapped. I know the kids need me daily now more than ever.

What happened 5 years ago? Another man?

[Anonymous]

Realization we weren’t on the same path. I was already invested with little kids. Not another man.

Lots I could divulge. Suffice it to say, I knew we were doomed 5 years ago. Kept holding out hope.

Looking for stories of those whom had the courage to get out earlier living reality of split custody with middle schoolers.

[Anonymous]

Not me. But two people close to me. It’s hard in middle school. I think high school is easier in many ways. But if you can get the kids in therapy, it helps a lot.

[Anonymous]

Are you planning on leaving/divorcing because of the state of your marriage/relationsihp with one another or because you are trying to remove your children from a bad parenting experience (either by your husband or because of an awful model of a marriage)? I guess I'm asking, is he a decent father or not? If he's a reasonably good dad you need to work through your own issues of feeling you must have access to your kids every day. But if your desire ot leave is about protecting your kids from him, that's a different story and harder to figure out. If dad is good but your marriage is awful, leave and work out custody. It could ultimately be much better for the children depending on how chaotic or tense your current home is.

[Anonymous]

Sadly, it’s both. Horrible marriage. He’s a good Dad, but he’s going to wage thermonuclear war with me given a divorce. The kids would be collateral damage to him.

My best option, keep the peace, wait it out. I owe that to my kids.

[Anonymous]

would he agree that it's a horrible marriage? if so, couldn't you try reasoning with him about a seperation? He might find that he likes the idea. You fear he'll go nuclear with a divorce. Is that because of control, money, laziness (doesn't want to deal with spliting up a household)? What would be his drive to go to war?

[Anonymous]

Control. I have the money. I’ve tried a rational discussion. It’s clear he wants to go scorched earth path. I’m not willing. He’s not rational about the fallout for the kids. He’s made it clear he’d rather pin me down, doesn’t care to discuss how hard this would be for the kids, etc...

Control. He knows I care more about the fallout for the kids. So I’m stuck. I’m living with a bully. If I file, I know craziness will ensue.

[Anonymous]

Then start planning for your escape 3 or 4 years from now. Start talking with an attorney now. Get a plan together. Start pouring money into trusts for your kids that will lower your wealth. Determine which assets you can keep out of the marriage. Have you received any inheritance? Whose names are in the deed? Could you buy an investment property in your name only?

[Anonymous]

Is he a narcissist?

[Anonymous]

No good advice from me, but just want to let you know that your post broke my heart when I read it.

Hoping whatever happens to you + your beloved children in the near future keeps you all healthy, happy & safe.

(((((( Hugs ))))))

to all of you.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry that you are going through this, it sounds bad. You said he is controlling, and it sounds as if he is. You also mentioned that you have the money. which leads me to believe that you are in an abusive relationship. Have you considered contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline?https://www.thehotline.org/[/url] They will keep your information confidential, and perhaps show you a way out with your children. They will keep all your information confidential.

[Anonymous]

And if he is abusive, please start documenting and recording if you can. Install a hidden nanny cam.

[Anonymous]

My parents split when I was in 6th grade. It was bumpy, but frankly, middle school is bumpy for everyone. At least in middle school, I was a little more independent, and was able to “retreat” to friends’ houses (it’s a little harder to do that when you are young).

As an adult, I now know that my dad said/did some horrible things to my mom when she left him. My mom wasn’t blameless either (she likes to be the victim), but for the most part, they limited my exposure to their drama. Threats were made about me to each other, but I was not aware of it at the time. It’s likely your husband will try to outparent you instead of mistreating your kids.

I survived. No drugs or alcohol, or jail time, or cutting, or teen pregnancy. I grew up, went to college, and am gainfully employed with a family of my own. No lasting damage. I have a good relationship with both parents.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

The time without them is the time you NEED to get balance in your life as a single parent. Take it from someone who has sole custody-- its better for your kids to split custody. As much as things didn't workout for you with him, he's still their dad.