I'm more than a little brokenhearted--baby prefers the nanny.

[Anonymous]

I work full time, and when I come home, my 11 month old daughter doesn't want to leave the nanny's arms, or if I take her in my arms, struggles and whines until she gets to go back to the nanny, or if we're playing and the nanny is there, baby crawls as fast as she can to the nanny, even if she's a room away.

I just need some comfort. I'm a great mom, but I have to work full time. And, I'm so very glad my baby has a nanny she loves so much. But I feel so sad about this. I spend weekends and evenings with her, but I don't see (probably because I'm bummed out) her feeling the same for me that she does our nanny. I have been working from home a couple of days a week, so DD at least sees me for lunch and in the mornings and afternoons, but it doesn't seem to make a difference.

Please don't turn this into a flame fest about me working. Or that I'm some selfish creep because I'm sad that my DD prefers the nanny. I already feel bad enough about all of this.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry Mama, that's tough. I can't imagine how sad it makes you feel but please know baby loves you very much! FWIW, I'm a SAHM and my baby wants DH as soon as he walks in the door, he could care less about me at that point and it breaks my heart.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs to you OP. This really may not be that she prefers the nanny as much as she just might also have trouble transitioning. Sometimes my one year old DD cries when I take here from her provider but then she snaps out of it and is fine. She is happy to be with me when we spending time together. I think you are doing everything you can to maximize spending time with her. try not to beat yourself up about this. She knows you are still the mama. Also try to take comfort in the fact that at least you are lucky enough to find a person your baby enjoys. I always took this for granted until recently I had a bad childcare experience and it shook me to the core. Having a great person who connects with your child is something to truly be grateful for. I know this doesn't erase your feelings, but these are normal feelings that I think most working parents feel at one time or another.

[Anonymous]

The other side of the coin is having baby hate his daycare providers. This is the boat I am in now - DS has been in daycare for a month and screams bloody murder as soon as we walk in the door. I also have to work full time, but it would be a lot easier to be away from him if I knew he was enjoying our time apart. Instead he is miserable and it also breaks my heart.

I'm learning that being a mom means sometimes "damned if you do, damned if you don't." It's so hard to find that happy medium.

Maybe your LO is going through a phase - who knows, in a month she could be screaming with joy the minute you walk through the door. Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

My daughter is like that with my husband and he literally barely ever see's her. He spends maybe 30 minutes a day with her and she lights up when he walks in.
I think it is a phase bc my son has his favorite every week - one week me, one week daddy and sometimes he even asks for the babysitter.
I know it is hard but I would feel more comfortable with my baby being attached to the nanny than screaming when she comes.
Hope it gets better soon. I hear this is common.

[Anonymous]

My 15 month old DD does the same thing with my mom. She doesn't keep her regularly while I work but she is around a lot and keeps her instead of daycare a couple times a month, plus is around every few weekends for a bit. DD is simply enthralled with her.

It totally hurts a bit but I'm glad she has a grandma who loves her so much and who doesn't live far and can see her. Just as I'm sure despite it hurting, you are thankful the baby loves the nanny! Having more people who love our children and who they love is never a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, hang in there, OP! Some days I experience the same thing you're talking about. One thing that helps is quick transitions, and another thing that helps is immediately doing something the baby likes (eating solids, taking a bath, going in the yard, whatever). If you can get a some one-on-one time with the baby in the morning before work, do that. There's no transition issue then, and then if you come home after work and the interation's not so great, at least you've had some good time with her in the morning. Hold onto the thought that this will pass, and also hold onto the thought that you are the One and Only Mommy! Your daughter knows that and loves you, trust me.

[Anonymous]

sorry for the crappy spelling/typos. "interactions's not so great"

[Anonymous]

I know it is hard, but here is two things that will make you feel better (hopefully):

1. I read somewhere that once babies figure out who their mom is and realize mommy will always love me, they tend to demonstrate more love to the "helper". Sort of like flirting - making sure to keep the helper around - since they know mommy will never leave. So think of it as your baby trusts you, not the nanny.

2. Trust me, it is more heartbreaking to have the other scenario. Knowing your child does not even like the person watching them. To think of a child going all day without love is a horrible, heartbreaking thing. I have never been so happy as I was when we found a new care giver and my son refused to leave one day. I know it's hard to watch your child love another adult, but it is a wonderful thing that your child is loved all day long

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate you all being so kind and supportive. Your advice was very helpful, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP, I'm sending you a big hug. There's no doubt that children dump most on the one they love the most and will always, always, no matter what be there for the. This happened to me with both kids when they were infants. Intellectually, I had no problem. I was so relieved they loved and were so loved by the Nanny. But emotionally, well it was such a blow. One thing that worked for us is to have the Nanny put the baby down, and then head over to say hi...that way it's not a person to person transition...really minimizes the drama.Now, at 2 and 4, I get home and they RUN ME OVER screaming MOM, MOM...it's a great feeling...and it's coming your way in time...hang in, hang in...

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a really good book by T. Berry Brazelton called something like "Working and Mothering" or "Working and Parenting." I read it while I was pregnant and it helped explain a child's apparent preference for caregivers. It REALLY helped me understand the end of day meltdown (which mine still has at age 7), appearing to prefer a caregiver to a parent, and all the other stuff that can throw you off your game.

[Anonymous]

Lot of support your way OP. It's totally a phase (as working mom of 3, am I allowed to say so definitively?) Up to about 18 months, kids have a really hard time peeling themselves away from the person they pick as the One. My first called everyone by the nanny's name for a few months. My second, on the other hand, screamed and ran away from everyone but me (including his father). I have no idea how the third will be at that phase. All kids are different but it does seem as though they have major seperation anxiety at that age.

I'll echo what pp said...it's way worse the other way around. The only reason I am able to work is because I know my kids are with someone who they love and who treats them so well. Hang in there. This too shall pass...

[Anonymous]

That's hard for every parent. It really is great for your baby though.

Don't worry, these phases rarely last long. She'll be back to preferring mommy at some point soon and you might find yourself wishing she'd be happy with someone else for a bit!

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. I agree with other PP's though, please try to see how "lucky" you and your child are. And you are a great mom. You found for your child someone she can bond with, someone she is able to connect to, someone who makes her feel loved and secure. Children only benefit from a great deal of love all day long! It's just a phase!