Partner doesn’t say ‘I love you’ often

[Anonymous]

Am I the outlier here or him? I grew up in a house in which we always said ‘I love you’...especially when you are parting ways (hanging up the phone, leaving for the day, etc.)

I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months. He said it first. He barely says it though. It is really starting to bother me and he says he doesn’t say it often so when he does it has meaning.

[Anonymous]

Does he give oral?

[Anonymous]

Been married for 10 years. DH has never said it a lot, he isn’t very emotional and I suspect he has intamacy issues.

I barely say it anymore bc I barely feel it, but when i did feel it, i didn’t say it a lot bc i know he thought it was cheesy...so it could mean something different depending on the person

[Anonymous]

DH of 19 years says it occasionally... not all the time... in his mind when he says it it actually means something, instead of automatic thing just before hanging up the phone that becomes a habit... I did not like this approach before, but it grew on me over the years... especially, when I get his “I love you” texts, I know he thought about it, and it becomes something special.

[Anonymous]

DH is like that and after 13 years, I finally let my feeling out on it. Essentially came down to I shouldn’t have to wonder if he loves and cares about me and, if he can’t say it, I’m leaving him. Then I left for a few hours and when I came back he was sitting in the same spot, had clearly been crying, and now he says it at least before bed every day.

[Anonymous]

We say it all the time. End of phone calls, leaving the house. Even when we don't love each other. Usually I'm the one who has to say "I love you, too" though, since it doesn't always occur to me.

[Anonymous]

Not as much as me or as much as I would like. I asked him to say it at least once a day. Ridiculous that I have to remind him.

[Anonymous]

Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

Yes, we have. I am starting to think it is a breaking point. We had one (of many) fights last night. This one is a touch different because I am still thinking about it. I called him about an hour after we both said we ‘resolved’ it and I was really looking for an ‘I love you’ after all the conflict and it didn’t happen. 12 hours later, still bothering me.

To me, this is so easy, especially given all the things about my personality he says I need to work on (which I am and have taken the initiative).

[Anonymous]

We say it a lot mostly "love you" when parting or getting off the phone and we do the same with our adult children. We usually say it as our last words at night. My DH isn't a touchy feely hand holding guy but I do know he loves me.

[Anonymous]

So? Say it to him each time you want to and don't expect anything from him. See how that goes.

[Anonymous]

I think it should be said at least once per day in a happy relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

Yes, we have. I am starting to think it is a breaking point. We had one (of many) fights last night. This one is a touch different because I am still thinking about it. I called him about an hour after we both said we ‘resolved’ it and I was really looking for an ‘I love you’ after all the conflict and it didn’t happen. 12 hours later, still bothering me.

To me, this is so easy, especially given all the things about my personality he says I need to work on (which I am and have taken the initiative).

This is a huge detail also. I'm sorry, OP, I think this relationship is in huge trouble. The "I love you" is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

+1. It will get worse, not better, with time.

But in my view, this is a silly thing to break up over, if otherwise a good relationship.

BTW, OP, I note some uncertainty in your own writing. You refer to him as your "partner" (whatever that means), then your "boyfriend," then you say you've been with him for 8 months, as if that is a long time. From the outside, it sounds like you're at a fork in your relationship, and perhaps you are farther down the road than he is. Eight months is barely a blip in the big scheme of things and it could be that you need to be examining your own goals and behavior as well.

[Anonymous]

OP here - if it was up to him, we would probably be living together and likely engaged soon.