Partner doesn’t say ‘I love you’ often

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

Yes, we have. I am starting to think it is a breaking point. We had one (of many) fights last night. This one is a touch different because I am still thinking about it. I called him about an hour after we both said we ‘resolved’ it and I was really looking for an ‘I love you’ after all the conflict and it didn’t happen. 12 hours later, still bothering me.

To me, this is so easy, especially given all the things about my personality he says I need to work on (which I am and have taken the initiative).

This is a huge detail also. I'm sorry, OP, I think this relationship is in huge trouble. The "I love you" is just the tip of the iceberg.

+1 What aspects of your personality does he want you to change? It doesn’t have to be like this; you could be with someone who loves you for who you are.
Please share with us what you have “worked on” on his behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

Yes, we have. I am starting to think it is a breaking point. We had one (of many) fights last night. This one is a touch different because I am still thinking about it. I called him about an hour after we both said we ‘resolved’ it and I was really looking for an ‘I love you’ after all the conflict and it didn’t happen. 12 hours later, still bothering me.

To me, this is so easy, especially given all the things about my personality he says I need to work on (which I am and have taken the initiative).

This is a huge detail also. I'm sorry, OP, I think this relationship is in huge trouble. The "I love you" is just the tip of the iceberg.

+1 What aspects of your personality does he want you to change? It doesn’t have to be like this; you could be with someone who loves you for who you are.
Please share with us what you have “worked on” on his behalf.

He says I *never* take responsibility and I am mostly to blame for our arguments. He then martyrs himself and say he will
take the blame. I am trying to work on it, but I do think he is exaggerating. It also makes it so if we are both upset, I can’t share why I am upset because I am shifting blame.

[Anonymous]

We didn't toss it around in my house growing up - we would say it often but not at the end of every single phone call or every time someone walked out the door. We said it when we felt it and meant it. Same with my husband and I, so it wouldn't bother me, but maybe it bothers you. I'm actually the opposite - it bothers me when people say it as a reflex instead of as a thought. If it bugs you, find someone else or be ok with him saying it in response to you. Expecting him to say it all the time when he's not used to it (or doesn't like it) is setting him up for failure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is like that and after 13 years, I finally let my feeling out on it. Essentially came down to I shouldn’t have to wonder if he loves and cares about me and, if he can’t say it, I’m leaving him. Then I left for a few hours and when I came back he was sitting in the same spot, had clearly been crying, and now he says it at least before bed every day.

Ugh, you sound like a misery. Glad you got your rote statement that makes you feel better. You seriously have no other way to judge whether or not someone loves you or cares about you than if three words escape their mouth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

Yes, we have. I am starting to think it is a breaking point. We had one (of many) fights last night. This one is a touch different because I am still thinking about it. I called him about an hour after we both said we ‘resolved’ it and I was really looking for an ‘I love you’ after all the conflict and it didn’t happen. 12 hours later, still bothering me.

To me, this is so easy, especially given all the things about my personality he says I need to work on (which I am and have taken the initiative).

RED FLAG, OP.

Way to bury the story. Saying I love you is not your problem. THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - if it was up to him, we would probably be living together and likely engaged soon.

I hate to break it to you but I highly doubt this is true. Why would he want to live with and be engaged to someone who has so much to work on? He sounds controlling, and if you've told him before that this bothers you and he won't relent, all the while telling you what you need to work on (seriously, WTF?), you need to see him for what he is.

[Anonymous]

8 months, one of many fights, conflicting love languages ... might want to throw this one back and keep fishing, OP.

[Anonymous]

I hate when people say "love you" in place of "bye". I prefer that DH says it to me when he is cuddling or kissing me.

[Anonymous]

Guy here. He probably didn't grow up that way. I don't recall it being said a lot around my house when I was growing up but it was a very loving home. I'm sure that early in our relationship my now DW probably felt like OP but over time she trained me and it likely kicked in after we had our first child. If he asks you to marry him the odds are pretty good he loves you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate when people say "love you" in place of "bye". I prefer that DH says it to me when he is cuddling or kissing me.

I like it when my DH says "love you, bye". When we're cuddling or kissing I don't need for him to say anything.

[Anonymous]

Try reading the Love languages book- maybe he “says” it in another way? If you’re happy and you love him just say it first. Don’t have a long talk about it, geez he married YOU right?

[Anonymous]

It def sounds like you have deeper problems than the I love you issue.

DH and I have been happily married for over 10 years and he's never been big on saying I love you, but was pretty clear about that from the beginning. He doesn't say it for the same reasons as your BF. I didn't grow up with the phrase being said all the time, but I liked hearing it said to me. However, it wasn't a big point of contention. I said it to him whenever I wanted and I took what I could get. Years later he pointed out to me that the little things he does for me daily are his way of showing his love. It was an earth shattering moment for me since I pride myself on being able to understand people (especially him), and it never occurred to me that he was telling me, in his own way, how much he loved me. Of course I know he loves me, I just didn't put together that all those little things meant something. I hate to say it, but that Love Languages book was spot on in my case! You AND BF should read it if you think your relationship is worth the time and effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you told him it bothers you? This is one of those things where it doesn't matter who is right (no one is right). It just matters whether you can live with the status quo. He's likely to say it less over time. If he knows it bothers you and still hasn't changed, then your option is to accept it or let the relationship go if you can't accept it.

Yes, we have. I am starting to think it is a breaking point. We had one (of many) fights last night. This one is a touch different because I am still thinking about it. I called him about an hour after we both said we ‘resolved’ it and I was really looking for an ‘I love you’ after all the conflict and it didn’t happen. 12 hours later, still bothering me.

To me, this is so easy, especially given all the things about my personality he says I need to work on (which I am and have taken the initiative).

This is a huge detail also. I'm sorry, OP, I think this relationship is in huge trouble. The "I love you" is just the tip of the iceberg.

+1 What aspects of your personality does he want you to change? It doesn’t have to be like this; you could be with someone who loves you for who you are.
Please share with us what you have “worked on” on his behalf.

He says I *never* take responsibility and I am mostly to blame for our arguments. He then martyrs himself and say he will
take the blame. I am trying to work on it, but I do think he is exaggerating. It also makes it so if we are both upset, I can’t share why I am upset because I am shifting blame.

A man should never marry a women that is frightened of accountability. This is a very common issue with women and one that is accountable and logical she is a true gem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try reading the Love languages book- maybe he “says” it in another way? If you’re happy and you love him just say it first. Don’t have a long talk about it, geez he married YOU right?

+1, I didn't actually read the book but implemented "listening" to the way he expressed it. He is physically affectionate, does nice things for me, encourages me to take care of myself, co-parents well

In my situation, I had to deal with my own discomfort with myself in not hearing it.

I also don't test him with things - such as "show me that you love me", keeping score with gifts, accusing him of not being thoughtful.

Becoming secure with a relationship and not needing this has been liberating - it's taken time.

Good luck.