What can I do to stop my older kid from throwing things while tantrumming?

[Anonymous]

My kid is 9 and has several dx, including ADHD impulsive. He is awful with dealing with frustration and his go-to behavior is to throw with whatever is close. In the moment, I remind him not to throw things and confiscate something, and then he just redirects and starts to beat on my walls, floor or counter with his hands or feet. My house looks like shit because of this and his other behaviors.

He attends an SN private and gets good social skills work including Unstuck and Social Thinking. Nothing works on the impulsivity of the throwing, although he is well regulated on medication during the school week. Due to issues with nutrition and weight we generally don't medicate when we don't have to. I've done parent training classes and looked at books. In the heat of the moment, nothing matters. Suggestions with what worked for you?

[Anonymous]

9 is pretty old for this. Can you keep your home free from basically any material objects other than absolutely the minimum for another few years? No toys. No junk around. Just kitchen items put away. The child probably doesn’t need toys around as distractions while he is going through this phase.

[Anonymous]

Medicate on weekends. He doesn't like feeling out of control any more than you like it.

I hear you on your concerns about weight gain. We found that when we medicated every day, her body adjusted faster and the stimulants didn't suppress her appetite as much.

[Anonymous]

Are they meltdowns or tantrums?

https://www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/sensory-processing-issues/the-difference-between-tantrums-and-sensory-meltdowns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medicate on weekends. He doesn't like feeling out of control any more than you like it.

I hear you on your concerns about weight gain. We found that when we medicated every day, her body adjusted faster and the stimulants didn't suppress her appetite as much.

Agree. Also, stimulants wear off later in the day, so you can adjust your child's meal times to when his appetite is not affected by medication.

Also, your child is 9 and is soon going to be a whole lot stronger and do a whole lot more damage. If you haven't been successful in controlling it at this point other than medicating, then you may really want to consider addressing the other concern (loss of appetite) in other ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Medicate on weekends. He doesn't like feeling out of control any more than you like it.

I hear you on your concerns about weight gain. We found that when we medicated every day, her body adjusted faster and the stimulants didn't suppress her appetite as much.

I agree with this, having been through it with DS. Plus, when DS hit puberty he started eating anything not nailed down even while on the meds. We found we could not take weekend med breaks because he had a class on the weekends he needed to be present for. Also, he really could not do playdates off meds (never ended well).

[Anonymous]

That is more than a tantrum, especially at that age.

[Anonymous]

Do you have one of those stress squish balls? Or one of those kid'suzed punching bags/on a stand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is 9 and has several dx, including ADHD impulsive. He is awful with dealing with frustration and his go-to behavior is to throw with whatever is close. In the moment, I remind him not to throw things and confiscate something, and then he just redirects and starts to beat on my walls, floor or counter with his hands or feet. My house looks like shit because of this and his other behaviors.

He attends an SN private and gets good social skills work including Unstuck and Social Thinking. Nothing works on the impulsivity of the throwing, although he is well regulated on medication during the school week. Due to issues with nutrition and weight we generally don't medicate when we don't have to. I've done parent training classes and looked at books. In the heat of the moment, nothing matters. Suggestions with what worked for you?

When he is not in the moment, talk to him. Teach him to close his eyes and to count backwards from ten with his tongue on the roof of his mouth and breathing in through his nose. Then exhale through the mouth, still with the tongue on the roof of his mouth. Count for seven in, seven hold and seven out. Practice. Talk with him and tell him that taking a step back and doing this when he feels the emotions building will help. Get his permission to tell you when you are observing it. Say ‘ Close your eyes and step back, breathe ’. When you do, say it clearly, do not yell. Praise him when he tries, even if it does not work 100%. Keep doing it and he will get better.

[Anonymous]

We had the same problem with my youngest from age 2-7 although his frustration and poor impulse control was not diagnosed as ADHD. He doesn’t have tantrums anymore but here are a few things that you could try that helped us.

We switched to a dye free diet. This may or may not work for you but thought I’d put it out there.

We gave him safe replacement behaviors. We made it clear that throwing hard objects was dangerous so if he really had to throw something, it had to be soft. Soft pillows and stuffed animals were allowed as long as not aimed at a window or person. We also purchased indoor snowballs. They are terrific. Google them. We took away any hard item that he threw inappropriately. We removed anything breakable from his room that might get knocked over. He also chewed gum all the time. I don’t know why it helps but it seems to be huge for self regulation.

I want to reiterate what was said above. He didn't like to feel out of control. He would verbalize “I’m scared! This feeling is scary!” It broke my heart.

I have an older child who does have ADHD. She isn’t physical but does other impulsive things that drive me crazy. She has to be on her medication even on the weekends. I understand wanting breaks but she is now a teen and verbalizes that she doesn’t feel right when she doesn’t take it. I sometimes try to get her to skip a dose on the weekend when I’m worried we are running low on pills (refills are such a pain!) but she refuses to miss a day.

[Anonymous]

Try planned ignoring.

[Anonymous]

OP here and I'm still reading. These are definitely tantrums from frustration at being told no or some perceived injustice. We've seen the occasional sensory meltdown, but those never involve aggression and those are about flight from the situation.

I hate to medicate on weekends because not only is he underweight but there's also an anxiety piece and although I did not post that other thread on anxiety it describes our situation. I had even been thinking we would take much of August off to see if there was any improvement. The other reason why I have been resistant is because so much of the day is fine. If I were to draw a graph it would be mostly plateaus punctuated by three or four spikes. We have tried other meds including a mood stabilizer which was disastrous.

[Anonymous]

Give him other outlets? A stuffed animal (sturdy) to beat up and smash?
A squishy doll to carry around and squeeze when angry?
You could have these items in several rooms so easily accessible.

You could reward him for using these items - a few dollars added to his allowance or whatever you use for rewards? Punish for throwing or wrecking non approved items? A few dollars subtracted from allowance?

My kids used to pelt each other in the car and I bought a giant stuffed bear (life sized - $30 from Costco) and strapped it in the car seat between them. Worked wonders. Eventually, a few years later, the bear embarrassed them and they were able to control themselves so I took it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and I'm still reading. These are definitely tantrums from frustration at being told no or some perceived injustice. We've seen the occasional sensory meltdown, but those never involve aggression and those are about flight from the situation.

I hate to medicate on weekends because not only is he underweight but there's also an anxiety piece and although I did not post that other thread on anxiety it describes our situation. I had even been thinking we would take much of August off to see if there was any improvement. The other reason why I have been resistant is because so much of the day is fine. If I were to draw a graph it would be mostly plateaus punctuated by three or four spikes. We have tried other meds including a mood stabilizer which was disastrous.

If you don’t take med breaks he’ll never learn to self regulate without the mess (which might not work forever). Best to learn those skills while young. It’s hard, but worth the effort for a better future.

[Anonymous]

If you think he can control this and is not absolutely out of control when he does this, I would try logical consequences. If he throws things in a room, then he isn’t allowed back in that room for a set time. I would probably start with twelve hours, and if needed, up it to 24 or 48 until he knows you mean business. During his free time, he should have to help repair anything he broke or polish any surfaces that were roughed up. If he can’t fix it, he can sit and watch you fix it instead of doing an activity that he enjoys. If he throws things that are his, take them and put them in a box and charge him a dollar to get them back. If he throws things that belong to family members, then he isn’t allowed to use family items for a set time. That means the TV, the dishes - except for his own personal plastic cup, bowl, and spoon. That means nothing jointly owned by the family unless it is a matter of safety.

Try this while also doing all the things mentioned above, including the snowballs. You need to get control of this before he is old enough to take your car and smash it up. He might benefit from blood testing to see which meds will work best and a behavioral counselor. You really are right in wanting to stop this. Have a meeting and outline the new consequences first, and ask him what he thinks would help prevent them. Be consistent and take emotion out of it as much as you can. Praise for any success and before you say no to something, remind him. “I understand that you really want this, and I want to remind you what you can do if your feelings are very strong before you hear the answer. Keep your hands and feet to yourself. I have to tell you that I know you can handle the frustration about the fact that we can’t go to the pool today” or whatever. Remind before saying no.