4.5 year old will not play by herself EVER.

[Anonymous]

DD4 is out of her summer daycare for the week (they close it for one week every summer), unfortunately it's the week that I started back to grad school after taking time off to have DS. I'm only taking online classes now but have a few other things to do- maybe 3 hrs/day worth of stuff. I've made plans to take DD to an activity/play date every day. I"m ok to let her watch a little more TV, etc. but she will not play alone AT ALL. She has tons of toys/puzzles/games, but isn't interested in playing with anything unless i'm right next to her. I can handle DS right now because I can manage the computer while I nurse and he can play on the floor by himself now, but I can't play with them both. DH is helpful, but not enough. I just got upset with DD now and told her to go play by herself and she's upset and shut herself in her room.

Is this normal for her age? I just need a little time, maybe an hour or so and I can do the rest after bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Your expectations are unrealistic. Kids are more interested in playing with others the older they get. You also can't expect her to suddenly amuse herself for 3 hours just b/c you need her to. If you need time to yourself, study in the early morning or when she's asleep.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, some kids just won’t. I know you want a solution and I am sure people will tell you just do x and y or you MUST do x and y but it is so individual.

I had one like your dc and not until he got in to legos would he at least build those on his own. However, they were too expensive to get a new one every week?

I did try a timer and asked for him to do 10,15, up to 30 min and it did work for the most part. For us, I was SAH during the early years so it was off to the park, backyard, library, kids next door most of the time.

Also, at one point, I hired a 12 yr-old to come for an hour or 1.5 hrs a few times a week so I could pay bills, call drs, do laundry in basement. It was inexpensive, pre-teens love to play with little kids, I was in the house but not the playmate.

I said I’d never say this but ......it will pass quicker than you think. Mine is leaving for college and I think I said two words to him today. He is busy busy and I’m wondering how to fill all my time.

I know it’s hard and extremely frustrating. I’ve been there. Warm thoughts going out to you.

[Anonymous]

What about “new” toys? Put everything away and only get out one thing at a time. The novelty is the only thing that hooks my 4.5 yo. He sat at the table and cut and glued paper for 30+ minutes while I made dinner tonight (and my toddler bobbed around on the floor). The key thing was that we hadn’t had those craft supplies out in a while. So if you don’t have any “new” toys, I think it’s worth buying a few this week while you put old ones away. Also, think creatively about what can be “new” to your kid. Tupperware and a stool at the kitchen sink? A drawer of your t-shirts and work-out clothes for dress up? The key for me is that I have to be proactive about pulling out a new activity but each one will usually buy me 30-45 mins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your expectations are unrealistic. Kids are more interested in playing with others the older they get. You also can't expect her to suddenly amuse herself for 3 hours just b/c you need her to. If you need time to yourself, study in the early morning or when she's asleep.

Yup, this. Some kids are introverts others are extroverts. Just like adults.

[Anonymous]

I do think you can “train” a kid to play more on their own. I know because I did! My dd1 was very clingy as a baby and dependent as a toddler. I worked part time at night so I played with her during the day and she also “couldn’t” play alone. Along came dd2 and I didn’t have the luxury to play with her and guess what? She figured it out.

Op...set some timers (15-20 minutes playing with you, rest of the hour she’s on her own), interspersed with errands and playground of course so she gets out. But don’t get trapped by her needing you 24/7...she’s used to constant entertainment at daycare at home, she needs practice playing on her own.

[Anonymous]

My kids had the same problem. This is what I suggest: First, put all the toys away. Maybe leave a few dolls out in a corner but otherwise, make your house as un-kid-friendly as you can. Then, start doing something that you might otherwise do - cook, or write with pencil and paper or draw, write in your journal or whatever you enjoy doing. When she starts imitating you, keep doing it for a few minutes and then leave her to keep doing it - ideally by warning her that it is not for children. Your DD clearly wants to behave like a grown-up. So let her.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you to all of you who were helpful. I'm feeling pathetic. I thought restarting school with online classes would be a nice way to ease into everything and then today hit and I've been a ball of anxiety/emotions, particularly when DD was so needy. I've done my best to give her lots of love and attention since DS was born and today just made me feel like a failure.

I went ahead and ordered a new game that I know she can play by herself and I'll try some of these other little tricks tomorrow, looks like our play date will get rained out (spray park), so I"ll have plenty of time!

It's just, growing up my parents NEVER played with me. I also went to daycare/day camp/their offices, but was never constantly entertained, except by the TV. And although I like playing with DD, and I'd like to avoid relying on TV, I'm just so frustrated with being her everything right now, but I'm so sad because I know these days/times are short. Ugh, thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

My 4.5 year old can also be like this and, like you, I was not played with by adults as a kid (born in 1981 here), so it is kind of baffling to me. She has lots of playmates at her preschool/daycare and I think she kind of just expects us to step in when she's at home as well. It's a bit easier now that her sister is almost 2 and they can kinda play together (kinda...) but what has helped me the most is to simply tell her, firmly but lovingly, that I cannot play with her and am not going to. Boy, that sounds mean to write out, but again, I was not raised that parents should be playmates (and there's plenty of parenting blogs out there that say parents are terrible playmates for children)--I will provide her space to play, I will provide games, toys, take her places where she can engage with others to play, but a solid 75% of the time, I am not going to actually play with her and I'm not going to feel bad about it. I will do a puzzle with her or play an actual game, but that's something that counts as an adult amusement/activity as well, same as doing a sport or throwing a ball, whatever. So in short--be honest with her--I'm not going to play with you, I'm going to do x. I will be over here, doing x, go have fun doing your choice of whatever. She is old enough to amuse herself and the more hands off you are (like, leave her to choose the activity), the more she will be into it. It won't be hours and hours of peace, but you should get 45 mins to an hour.

[Anonymous]

Op, have you thought of hiring a Mother’s helper? A goth grader on up would be a ton of help for you and a blast for your DD.

Good luck with classes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you thought of hiring a Mother’s helper? A goth grader on up would be a ton of help for you and a blast for your DD.

Good luck with classes!

Goth s/b fifth. But goth might be cool too. lol.

[Anonymous]

Get her started by playing with her for a few minutes. Once she's engaged you can back off. Mine did well with paper punches, safety scissors and tape or and blocks or play doh at that age. Show her a few possibilities to get her started.

[Anonymous]

Don't feel pathetic. It's a big transition for you so you're putting too much stress on yourself and her.

[cassie2]

Anonymous wrote:DD4 is out of her summer daycare for the week (they close it for one week every summer), unfortunately it's the week that I started back to grad school after taking time off to have DS. I'm only taking online classes now but have a few other things to do- maybe 3 hrs/day worth of stuff. I've made plans to take DD to an activity/play date every day. I"m ok to let her watch a little more TV, etc. but she will not play alone AT ALL. She has tons of toys/puzzles/games, but isn't interested in playing with anything unless i'm right next to her. I can handle DS right now because I can manage the computer while I nurse and he can play on the floor by himself now, but I can't play with them both. DH is helpful, but not enough. I just got upset with DD now and told her to go play by herself and she's upset and shut herself in her room.

Is this normal for her age? I just need a little time, maybe an hour or so and I can do the rest after bedtime.

This is completely normal. My daughters are now grown but I remember being right where you are and wondering "when will they be okay by themselves"! Looking back I realize how pivotal this time is and I want to encourage you to embrace these moments. By around age 6 for girls and about 8 or 9 for boys they will begin to be much more independent. Until then I would encourage you to allow her to spend as much time as possible with you. Make everyday events moments of teaching, encouraging, and building up their self image. Soon the cruelty of life will become evident to your children, however if they have the steadfast memories of you and your husband being their number 1 support they can weather the difficult situations in life a lot easier. You may wonder how allowing her to be near you so much builds her self worth or makes her feel strong but I assure you it does. This does not mean that you take no time for yourself but I hope it helps you manage your time with her carefully.