Do you ever find you can't make small talk?

[Anonymous]

I am the mom of a pretty high maintenance special needs high schooler. In addition to the normal academic challenges, this year has brought some pretty significant mental health issues. I have found myself in a number of social situations over the past week that made me realize that I'd rather not talk than make small talk. I hadn't realized that I was at this point - I used to be really social and extroverted. I guess I'm exhausted and I think I've been this way for awhile.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I've changed a lot. I too used to be more of an extrovert. I can usually make small talk if I have to, but some days I just do anything to avoid it.

I don't have time for BS and aggravation either. My extended family thinks I am some major snob. It doesn't seem to occur to them we don't want to be around their judging and eye-rolling of our kid and we know they cannot stand to have their fancy gatherings disturbed so we actually do them a favor not showing up.

I also have to hold back not to lash out at people who obsess over minute things like the fact Suzy once forgot her homework or their neighbor hasn't weeded the garden in over a week or poor Marlo's soccer team lost and he's really bummed. I am polite and accept some people get themselves into a tizzy over little things, but these things happen in my life with my other child and I hardly bat an eyelash, let alone think to vent to someone as though the world is falling apart.

[Anonymous]

As the extent of DC's issues kind of keep spilling out and we realize we need more supports in place than we ever thought, I find I am at times energized to get things done for our family and simultaneously too wiped out to connect with others.

I know we need to stay connected to others but it feels like we're in our own world of therapies and meds while others are talking about sports teams and vacations.

[Anonymous]

It is common and normal for priorities and friendships to shift when your life changes. Having a special needs child is life changing.

But not being able to empathize or connect with others who are not on the same journey as you can be indicative of depression and/or anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I've changed a lot. I too used to be more of an extrovert. I can usually make small talk if I have to, but some days I just do anything to avoid it.

I don't have time for BS and aggravation either. My extended family thinks I am some major snob. It doesn't seem to occur to them we don't want to be around their judging and eye-rolling of our kid and we know they cannot stand to have their fancy gatherings disturbed so we actually do them a favor not showing up.

I also have to hold back not to lash out at people who obsess over minute things like the fact Suzy once forgot her homework or their neighbor hasn't weeded the garden in over a week or poor Marlo's soccer team lost and he's really bummed. I am polite and accept some people get themselves into a tizzy over little things, but these things happen in my life with my other child and I hardly bat an eyelash, let alone think to vent to someone as though the world is falling apart.

Maybe you should balance your energy a bit more to focus on your other child. HW and chores and extracurriculars are an important part of their life, outside of being the sibling of a kid with SN.

I have a hard time making small talk or shifting my focus away from my family and my child, but I know that's my problem. I need to work on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the extent of DC's issues kind of keep spilling out and we realize we need more supports in place than we ever thought, I find I am at times energized to get things done for our family and simultaneously too wiped out to connect with others.

I know we need to stay connected to others but it feels like we're in our own world of therapies and meds while others are talking about sports teams and vacations.

OP here. This is exactly how I feel. And, I feel like people are going to be bored at hearing what I would talk about if I were actually to feel like talking.

I'm actually sorry that there are others that feel like me. I do enjoy raising my kids, even with all of the issues. It feels like it is what I was meant to do, which is probably what energizes me.

And, I think it's normal to get frustrated over people going on about really insignificant things. It's hard when we are dealing with very difficult times. I try to remember that it matters to them.

[Anonymous]

I have been dealing with a HS student with anxiety and depression and I feel so isolated. Agreed on the hard to make small talk because discussing where you are going on vacay this summer seems soooo trivial when I am thinking about the fact that my child may be so anxious he won’t go to school in August. Am I doing everything to help him? It is just exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been dealing with a HS student with anxiety and depression and I feel so isolated. Agreed on the hard to make small talk because discussing where you are going on vacay this summer seems soooo trivial when I am thinking about the fact that my child may be so anxious he won’t go to school in August. Am I doing everything to help him? It is just exhausting.

That is a big flashing sign that you need distractions and small talk — and probably therapy for yourself. Perserverating on what if’s isn’t helping.

I’ve been there. It is hard.

I find it helps to imagine the worst thing that could happen and make a planfor why you will do if it does. Write it down. And if your mind goes there again review your plan, add to it or amend. Then put it aside. And do something for yourself — a long, brisk walk — ideally in a woody spot can do wonders.

[Anonymous]

I don't have a SN child, but I know people who do, of course. They aren't close friends, but I see them at parties and school gatherings, etc. Wondering how you all would like to engage in environments like that. Should I ask about your therapies and doctors? I tend to think that's probably not appropriate in the setting. But maybe I should. I do of course ask about their children, but the conversation doesn't usually turn to anything serious. It's an honest question of how others could be kind and helpful to you in a social setting to be able to enjoy yourself. I'd love to be able to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a SN child, but I know people who do, of course. They aren't close friends, but I see them at parties and school gatherings, etc. Wondering how you all would like to engage in environments like that. Should I ask about your therapies and doctors? I tend to think that's probably not appropriate in the setting. But maybe I should. I do of course ask about their children, but the conversation doesn't usually turn to anything serious. It's an honest question of how others could be kind and helpful to you in a social setting to be able to enjoy yourself. I'd love to be able to do that.

Ask how the parent is. Mention something positive you noticed about their kid. Don’t humble brag - or brag excessively on your own kid.

Basically don’t be a boor, or a bore.

[Anonymous]

I have been getting therapy for myself. But it is still very challenging. A mother is only as happy as her saddest child. I long for the simpler happier days. I cry so often wondering how we got to this spot.

We are getting better. But no matter how good we are, I still have this hanging fear that things can go south at any point.

It sucks.

And it is more common than anyone realizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have a SN child, but I know people who do, of course. They aren't close friends, but I see them at parties and school gatherings, etc. Wondering how you all would like to engage in environments like that. Should I ask about your therapies and doctors? I tend to think that's probably not appropriate in the setting. But maybe I should. I do of course ask about their children, but the conversation doesn't usually turn to anything serious. It's an honest question of how others could be kind and helpful to you in a social setting to be able to enjoy yourself. I'd love to be able to do that.

Well, probably everybody is different, but I don't mind general questions about DS. Not "Is Larlo doing the advanced math program?" but "What's Larlo up to this summer?" is good. Then, depending on my mood I can say "Oh, we're not sure yet, still looking." or "I don't know, I'm struggling to find something that's a good fit because he's so anxious week long camps don't allow him enough time to warm up before the week is over." or "He's going to X program to help with academics, because that's been a struggle all year." If I've told you before about an upcoming doctor visit or therapy, it's fine to ask how it went or how it's going. If I tell you he has a specific diagnosis I'd rather you ask "Do you find there are good therapies for that here" rather than "Have you tried X?", because the latter can end up sounding/feeling like I "should" be doing X, even though I have tried X and it didn't work or we can't afford X or wait lists for X are 2 years long or X is not supported at all by research, or whatever.

Also, just be thoughtful about whether I'm the right conversation partner for things you want to discuss. For example, my husband has been having bad headaches and him being out of commission for days at a time has been a scheduling hassle. I vent about this to a few friends, but not the family where the mom is undergoing a bone marrow transplant. If your kid got a B- in algebra and you are worried about college, that is understandable. But if you want to spend more than a minute on that topic, find someone who also would be incredibly worried if their child got a B- in algebra.

Finally, sometimes families are going through a crisis and there is no way to enjoy a casual social situation. This is not specific to special needs, of course. When my dad was dying and I was trying to figure out when I was flying home, I took my kid to a pool party and basically stood off the side the whole time, reading texts from my sister about what was happening. I'm sure people said hello to me and I really didn't want to get into the whole story, so I just didn't invite further conversation. It's nice of you to want to help SN parents, but sometimes our mind is just somewhere else. Don't take it personally.