Am I just wasting my time?

[Anonymous]

Single mom here, late 40s with an elementary-aged kid. I make enough money, attractive but could lose a few pounds.

I met a man 2.5 years ago on Match, we hit it off and have been inseparable ever since. He and my DD get along fabulously, we get along great. We practically live together, have vacationed together and basically operate like a family unit. We occasionally argue, but not often.

Here is the rub. He has been married twice and never wants to get married again. Ever. He will not commit. He said he will never be DD's step dad (her dad is in the picture). He is my boyfriend even though we act like partners in life. He is wonderful to me and DD in every way and I have never been with someone so thoughtful. No one has ever treated me this well. People mistake him for DD's dad because they are so comfortable with eachother.

Is this doomed to fail? I would be willing to get married, someday, but not yet. I guess he just wants to be able to leave easily if he gets sick of me or things go south. His divorces were ugly and extremely costly. I don't need his money, I have my own and we would both sign a prenup if it were to ever happen.

[Anonymous]

Why did his previous marriages end?

[Anonymous]

He is right. You are wrong. Marriage is not necessary in your case. Enjoy your relationship while it lasts, when it's over it will be easier. The odds are against him even being successfully married, he knows it, so accept that at face value.

[Anonymous]

Enjoy it. Marriage doesn't stop people from leaving.

[Anonymous]

Yep, to answer your question, you're wasting your time if marriage is what you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

Wow, he straight up told you he doesn't want to get married and be a stepfather to your daughter. Good for him for being so open and honest. You would do well to take him at his word.

If you want to be married again, do not stay with this man.

If you want your daughter to have a stepfather, do not stay with this man.

[Anonymous]

If he gets married he will resent you. You can not force or wait this out. Respect what he is telling you and make you decision based on that.

[Anonymous]

Proof, once again, that it’s never enough. Nothing is good enough, people always want more.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I don’t need to get married. My kid doesn’t need a step dad. My marriage was terrible and I dont ever want to be stuck like that again. I frankly, am not keen on marriage either. He recognizes his role in the break up of his marriages. I think it is the second one that caused him to never want to do it again. They dated for many years and things changed as soon as they got married.

The thing is, husband, stepdad are all labels. We act like we are already married. He parents my child. We are a family and treat each other as family. I guess what I want is a commitment and it doesn’t have to be marriage. He says he is as committed as he can be, but cannot make lifetime promise- that he doesn’t know he can keep. And those who do get married, just get divorced. He says we could be together 2 more years or 20. Who knows.

He is honest, always has been, and that is good.

Don’t know what I am looking for here. I am happy with him and neither one of us are looking to get out.

[Anonymous]

That's the problem OP, you don't know what you want. If you were one of these couples that stays together for many years. But never gets married, would that bother you? Be honest with yourself.

[Anonymous]

If we were there be of those couples, and I was confident that he was committed, yes. I would be satisfied. I want a life partner, and hope that we love each other for the rest of our lives.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure, butyour post reads a little like you’re more embarrassed not to be able to introduce him as DH/stepdad. Also a little bothered that he won’t just say he’s in it for life, even though you totally understand what he means when he won’t promise forever unconditionally.

I guess I’d have to ask if you’d be happier or less happy if you break it off and start dating around again. It sounds like you’ve got a good thing going. And you know from experience that putting a ring on it doesn’t make it last forever.

On the other hand, if you move in together for real, you can wait him out until you have a common law marriage and sneak that by him, assuming you live in a common law marriage state. If not, I guess you can’t stealth marry him.

I personally don’t think you’re wasting your time. I’d be pretty cool with that setup. But if you’re not happy, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do to become happy.

[Anonymous]

OP, get out of your own way and enjoy this relationship. It sounds lovely.

[Anonymous]

I want to be married so in my situation this would make me end this. But it doesn't sound like you are even sure you want to be married.

It does concern me that your daughter has gotten close to someone who could be gone tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Relax and enjoy it. Sounds like you have a good life right now and your daughter is in a good place. Don't over think it, embrace it. Your stressing and pushing for something he's told you he can't give with be the death of the relationship.