How much to push kids?

[Anonymous]

My daughter is 5 and just finished K. She has always been a slow-to-warm kid who is on the quieter side. This summer, two of her friends were going to a particular day camp and she decided she wanted to go too. All kids take a bus to the camp, and my initial reaction was to tell DD no way because I thought the bus aspect would be a challenge for her (she is not great with separation and new experiences). After talking to DD about what it would be like to go on the bus and go to this camp (in a positive way) she said she understands and wants to go. So I signed her up.

She started on Monday so we are on day 3 now, and she is telling me she really doesn't like the camp and doesn't want to go anymore. The bus has been hard for her - tears to get on despite being with her two friends (I tried pairing her with a counselor for some extra comfort), tears when she gets home telling me that she isn't having any fun and doesn't like being so far from home. I spoke with the camp and they said she is fine on the bus after a few minutes and seems totally happy and fine at camp as well.

On the one hand I see this as a good experience to push her to try something new and step out of her comfort zone. However, my mom is telling me I should give it a few more days and if she doesn't like it, just pull her out and try again next summer - she is only 5, so young, etc. I hope things turn around and she just needs a little more time, but I don't love the battle and unhappiness every single day.

What is your stance on this?

[Anonymous]

I actually just pulled my rising kindergarten from a camp her pre-k runs. I had signed her up for several weeks because I thought she would have fun but it hasn’t turned out to be enjoyable for her. The weekly change of kids plus some unkindness from a friend that she really needs a break from was causing her to complain of stomach pains daily. I have the flexibility to not need her to attend so I dropped the camp.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a supervisor at the camp. How is your DD once she is there? Is she crying the entire time or is she happy?

[Anonymous]

If she's happy once she's on her way, I would give it at least til the end of the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a supervisor at the camp. How is your DD once she is there? Is she crying the entire time or is she happy?

In the OP, she says that camp says she is fine.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation with my DS, only it was between 1st and 2nd grade. It wasn't his first summer in camp, he had been in an all-day camp the previous summer and did fine, but this was a different one, he didn't know anyone, and I guess just an unfamiliar situation.

It's a bit different from your situation in that I was getting calls from the counselor that he was upset and crying. Day three of this and I pulled him out. I worked outside the home FT and I was thinking what the heck am I going to do with this kid? I was really lucky to have a college-aged neighbor looking for a job so I paid her to watch him over the summer. He loved her.

I'm inclined to go with your feeling to give it a few more days, through the end of the week, and then make a decision together. If she still feels strongly about it, I don't think there's a need to push a 5 yo to be miserable in order to teach a bigger lesson. Plenty of time for those life lessons to come!

[Anonymous]

I tell my kids they have to just finish out what we signed up for and then don't have to do it again.

[AshburnMom]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation with my DS, only it was between 1st and 2nd grade. It wasn't his first summer in camp, he had been in an all-day camp the previous summer and did fine, but this was a different one, he didn't know anyone, and I guess just an unfamiliar situation.

It's a bit different from your situation in that I was getting calls from the counselor that he was upset and crying. Day three of this and I pulled him out. I worked outside the home FT and I was thinking what the heck am I going to do with this kid? I was really lucky to have a college-aged neighbor looking for a job so I paid her to watch him over the summer. He loved her.

I'm inclined to go with your feeling to give it a few more days, through the end of the week, and then make a decision together. If she still feels strongly about it, I don't think there's a need to push a 5 yo to be miserable in order to teach a bigger lesson. Plenty of time for those life lessons to come!

My 5 yo DS is in the same situation..in a new camp where he does not know any kid from before. First 3 days, he cried on the way back home that he did not have any friends and no one wants to play with him. I spoke to the camp manager and she has been trying to keep DS involved in activities with other kids. She keeps sending me his pictures throughout the day to show he is happy and engaged. After a week, he is no longer miserable and feels much better. He tells that he is slowly making some new friends. I did not pull him out as I thought it would be a learning experience for him as he would face the same situation when he starts Public School in fall when he will be in a new place with new kids again. However If he had continued to be upset after the first week, I might have done something about it.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to at least give her 2 weeks to adjust. That's teaching grit and commitment - especially since the camp staff says she seems fine and happy during the day. Sometimes the *anticipation* of a thing is worse than the actual thing.

If after 2 weeks she is still crying about going, then it's time to discuss alternatives. Perhaps you could drive her to eliminate the bus ride but still keep her in camp.

I know it must be breaking your heart to see her upset, but unless there is more going on that you haven't included, this is probably a case of teaching your child to be resilient. A summer camp with friends is not a horrible place to learn life lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk to a supervisor at the camp. How is your DD once she is there? Is she crying the entire time or is she happy?

In the OP, she says that camp says she is fine.

Based on this, I'd definitely push to have her finish the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to at least give her 2 weeks to adjust. That's teaching grit and commitment - especially since the camp staff says she seems fine and happy during the day. Sometimes the *anticipation* of a thing is worse than the actual thing.

If after 2 weeks she is still crying about going, then it's time to discuss alternatives. Perhaps you could drive her to eliminate the bus ride but still keep her in camp.

I know it must be breaking your heart to see her upset, but unless there is more going on that you haven't included, this is probably a case of teaching your child to be resilient. A summer camp with friends is not a horrible place to learn life lessons.

Agree with this. By pulling her out prematurely, it might inadvertently teach her that she can't handle challenges.

Also, what is your/spouse's behavior like when she gets on the bus, and when she complains about camp at home? Could it be seen as coddling/reinforcing, which might cause your child to play up her discomfort for your attention? Or is it more matter of fact, letting her know that you believe things will get better, that stopping camp early is not an option, and that she can do it?

You mention that she's not great with separation or new experiences--I wonder if she's sort of internalized this label?

I have a similar 6yo who is shy in new situations, but we've been really sticklers about communicating to her that she can do it, and we try to expose her to lots of new situations so that she gains confidence. She is also on the bus this week for the first time.

Here is a quote from an article on parenting and anxiety. The article is specifically about shyness, but I think it applies to other types of anxiety too:

"When parents are overprotective, children miss out on opportunities to practice regulating feelings of shyness, increasing the risk for anxiety, Coplan says.

That can be a hard message for parents to hear. "When you're looking at a child feeling shy, the first thing you want to do is swoop down and protect them," Henderson says. "The trick for parents is to back off a little, to be supportive but let the child take little steps to doing things on her own."

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/11/bashful.aspx

[Anonymous]

When you prepared her for the bus, I think she got the message that you thought she couldn’t do it. My kid is also anxious and it is to hard to know when/how to prep.

If she is fine at camp finish the week at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to at least give her 2 weeks to adjust. That's teaching grit and commitment - especially since the camp staff says she seems fine and happy during the day. Sometimes the *anticipation* of a thing is worse than the actual thing.

If after 2 weeks she is still crying about going, then it's time to discuss alternatives. Perhaps you could drive her to eliminate the bus ride but still keep her in camp.

I know it must be breaking your heart to see her upset, but unless there is more going on that you haven't included, this is probably a case of teaching your child to be resilient. A summer camp with friends is not a horrible place to learn life lessons.

Agree with this. By pulling her out prematurely, it might inadvertently teach her that she can't handle challenges.

Also, what is your/spouse's behavior like when she gets on the bus, and when she complains about camp at home? Could it be seen as coddling/reinforcing, which might cause your child to play up her discomfort for your attention? Or is it more matter of fact, letting her know that you believe things will get better, that stopping camp early is not an option, and that she can do it?

You mention that she's not great with separation or new experiences--I wonder if she's sort of internalized this label?

I have a similar 6yo who is shy in new situations, but we've been really sticklers about communicating to her that she can do it, and we try to expose her to lots of new situations so that she gains confidence. She is also on the bus this week for the first time.

Here is a quote from an article on parenting and anxiety. The article is specifically about shyness, but I think it applies to other types of anxiety too:

"When parents are overprotective, children miss out on opportunities to practice regulating feelings of shyness, increasing the risk for anxiety, Coplan says.

That can be a hard message for parents to hear. "When you're looking at a child feeling shy, the first thing you want to do is swoop down and protect them," Henderson says. "The trick for parents is to back off a little, to be supportive but let the child take little steps to doing things on her own."

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/11/bashful.aspx

One other thought--I might try to normalize that many kids feel a bit nervous in the beginning when going to camp, but that things tend to get easier as you get used to it. I'd even consider maybe a "brave behavior" sticker chart or similar, with a chance to win a small prize after mutually agreed upon goals (e.g., after 5 days of attending camp in a row, she gets a small toy, movie night, or something else she really enjoys but doesn't get often) I also might take a PP's suggestion to give it a couple weeks--if things are still just as bad in two weeks, or there are concrete negatives about the camp, perhaps consider pulling out. But if you see her having an easier time at two weeks, I'd keep her in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to at least give her 2 weeks to adjust. That's teaching grit and commitment - especially since the camp staff says she seems fine and happy during the day. Sometimes the *anticipation* of a thing is worse than the actual thing.

If after 2 weeks she is still crying about going, then it's time to discuss alternatives. Perhaps you could drive her to eliminate the bus ride but still keep her in camp.

I know it must be breaking your heart to see her upset, but unless there is more going on that you haven't included, this is probably a case of teaching your child to be resilient. A summer camp with friends is not a horrible place to learn life lessons.

Agree with this. By pulling her out prematurely, it might inadvertently teach her that she can't handle challenges.

Also, what is your/spouse's behavior like when she gets on the bus, and when she complains about camp at home? Could it be seen as coddling/reinforcing, which might cause your child to play up her discomfort for your attention? Or is it more matter of fact, letting her know that you believe things will get better, that stopping camp early is not an option, and that she can do it?

You mention that she's not great with separation or new experiences--I wonder if she's sort of internalized this label?

I have a similar 6yo who is shy in new situations, but we've been really sticklers about communicating to her that she can do it, and we try to expose her to lots of new situations so that she gains confidence. She is also on the bus this week for the first time.

Here is a quote from an article on parenting and anxiety. The article is specifically about shyness, but I think it applies to other types of anxiety too:

"When parents are overprotective, children miss out on opportunities to practice regulating feelings of shyness, increasing the risk for anxiety, Coplan says.

That can be a hard message for parents to hear. "When you're looking at a child feeling shy, the first thing you want to do is swoop down and protect them," Henderson says. "The trick for parents is to back off a little, to be supportive but let the child take little steps to doing things on her own."

http://www.apa.org/monitor/2014/11/bashful.aspx

One other thought--I might try to normalize that many kids feel a bit nervous in the beginning when going to camp, but that things tend to get easier as you get used to it. I'd even consider maybe a "brave behavior" sticker chart or similar, with a chance to win a small prize after mutually agreed upon goals (e.g., after 5 days of attending camp in a row, she gets a small toy, movie night, or something else she really enjoys but doesn't get often) I also might take a PP's suggestion to give it a couple weeks--if things are still just as bad in two weeks, or there are concrete negatives about the camp, perhaps consider pulling out. But if you see her having an easier time at two weeks, I'd keep her in.

OMG I am sorry but this completely reinforces why kids are such babies. A "brave behavior" chart?! Come on with this!

[Anonymous]

OP here. DD came home today and seemed a little better. She said she liked doing arts and crafts and swimming. So, I think we're making slow progress!