S/O: Bi Married Mom - feel like a fraud "coming out" again in hetero life

[Anonymous]

I was out in high school (in a small town in the 90's!) and college, met DH, then the world assumed I was straight and now 15 years later almost nobody, aside from DH and a few of my oldest friends, know me as anything as other than straight. But I'm not straight even though I live a totally straight lifestyle and probably will for the rest of my life. It feels awkward to claim being bi/queer when I have the lifestyle and privileges of a straight person, but it also feels disingenuous and closeted to allow the world to assume I'm straight when I'm not. Anyone been in my shoes or know someone who has?

[Anonymous]

What feels disingenuous about it? I don't feel guilty that no one except my husband knows I fantasize about Chris Hemsworth, like my toes sucked and sometimes wear hubs' underwear. Why does anyone in this world need to know your sexual turnons?

[Anonymous]

It seems pretty awkward for a happily married person to go around talking about the other people they are romantically attracted to, so I’m not sure how it would even come up. Are there specific times that you feel like you are withholding important information from others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What feels disingenuous about it? I don't feel guilty that no one except my husband knows I fantasize about Chris Hemsworth, like my toes sucked and sometimes wear hubs' underwear. Why does anyone in this world need to know your sexual turnons?

+1

Stand up, get everyone's attention, and say that you have an announcement to make, then let the other soccer moms/your coworkers in on your bi/queer status. I'm sure everyone's dying to know.

[Anonymous]

I fully support gay people. Don't think there is anything wrong with loving who you love and being with that person. But man, do you all love to talk about your sexuality and sex lives. Especially gay men. It's like a sport.

[Anonymous]

OP here - it may be because it was just Pride. Going to Pride as an assumed ally feels strange. Plus I have gay friends and bi "open relationship" mom friends. (There's some drama, I'll tell you what.)

[Anonymous]

OP, just wondering, how old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems pretty awkward for a happily married person to go around talking about the other people they are romantically attracted to, so I’m not sure how it would even come up. Are there specific times that you feel like you are withholding important information from others?

I agree, though conceivably there could be conversations about life or politics where OP might want to say something like "Well, I'm bi so it was just luck that my soulmate turned out to be a man but supporting gay marriage is a personal priority for me."

Though conversations like that will probably not happen that much...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - it may be because it was just Pride. Going to Pride as an assumed ally feels strange. Plus I have gay friends and bi "open relationship" mom friends. (There's some drama, I'll tell you what.)

not to hijack thread but i am one of your bi open relationship mom friends. i’ll take your word for it that theirs’ are drama-ridden, but it’s not necessarily the case.

[Anonymous]

I have a few friends like this from college; I know there were / are bi but they've been happily married for decades. If you want to tell your kids, fine.

But if you start announcing to the world you are bi, people will probably think you are looking to have an affair on your DH or think you are oversharing if you don't plan to act on your announcement.

No one cares but you and your family OP.

[Anonymous]

Think about it this way. I am a straight woman and most of my casual mom friends are married to men. We never talk about our sexual preferences, previous relationships, sexual orientation, etc. It just doesn’t come up and if someone brought it up randomly, it would be weird. I do know this information about my oldest friends or one or two very close friends. It has always come out naturally in conversation after we knew each other well. Some people in your life will know you better than others and that is how it is for everybody. It’s not being disengenous. It’s just having normal variation in your level of intimacy with different friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was out in high school (in a small town in the 90's!) and college, met DH, then the world assumed I was straight and now 15 years later almost nobody, aside from DH and a few of my oldest friends, know me as anything as other than straight. But I'm not straight even though I live a totally straight lifestyle and probably will for the rest of my life. It feels awkward to claim being bi/queer when I have the lifestyle and privileges of a straight person, but it also feels disingenuous and closeted to allow the world to assume I'm straight when I'm not. Anyone been in my shoes or know someone who has?

You nailed it OP. It's great that you had more options back in the days, but you picked your team and it's a pretty comfortable team to play on. Be happy! Enjoy your straight privilege.

[Anonymous]

Who wants to know so much about you?

Nobody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fully support gay people. Don't think there is anything wrong with loving who you love and being with that person. But man, do you all love to talk about your sexuality and sex lives. Especially gay men. It's like a sport.

Part of being an ally means stepping outside of what you see as normal and understanding what the experience is like for others. With hetero being the norm/default assumption, a straight person has no need to proclaim their sexuality. The rest of us do or we're assumed to be straight. If you're a woman, and everyone automatically assumes you're a man, wouldnt you sometimes feel the need to say hey actually I'm not a man?

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I'm a bi married woman. I think about this all the time, and especially at Pride time, I wonder if I'm hiding or contributing to the erasure of my community.