How to feel/appear comfortable with transgendered people

[Anonymous]

We have a couple of trangendered people in our lives. I want to be accepting and non judgemental and comfortable around them, but I'm not yet. But I am trying. I feel like I am going to use their 'old' name or say she instead of he and now it seems like they are not the same person, but someone new and so talking about the past and fun times we had seems inappropriate. Are we supposed to forget the old other gendered person and start from scratch?

Also, I admit I'm confused by the new appearances and outfits, which seem extreme at times and I don't want to say anything to offend, but complimenting would be insincere. What do I say when I feel a little shocked, but I want to communicate a positive vibe? I need some prepared lines to get through the awkward moments. Help is appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You're an idiot.

Stop being shocked, and start being accepting. And how often in your life have you offered an insincere compliment to a cisgendered person? Many times, I'm betting. Don't treat a transgendered person any different. "That's a nice dress!" isn't hard to say. Jesus.

Talk about the old times all you want, and whenever it's somehow required to refer to the person's former gender just do it. This is not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

The OP is being judgmental. She can't bring herself to compliment someone's dress because it's too wild for her? Please. She's transphobic.

[Anonymous]

I can't just stop feeling shocked, but I have accepted it. It's almost a grief process. It just makes me feel awkward and I fear saying the wrong things subconsciously. Other people are hypervigilant about the words everyone uses now around the trans. I have been 'corrected' by them already and so it makes me nervous in any conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

The OP is being judgmental. She can't bring herself to compliment someone's dress because it's too wild for her? Please. She's transphobic.

I can compliment a piece of clothing or shoes or find something that is right on anyone But honestly, overall it's usually not a good look, I feel like it would be doing them a favor to say.... dial it back a bit. Less is more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

The OP is being judgmental. She can't bring herself to compliment someone's dress because it's too wild for her? Please. She's transphobic.

I can compliment a piece of clothing or shoes or find something that is right on anyone But honestly, overall it's usually not a good look, I feel like it would be doing them a favor to say.... dial it back a bit. Less is more.

I hope you're a troll. "The trans." Really? No wonder you're being corrected. You really do sound like an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

The OP is being judgmental. She can't bring herself to compliment someone's dress because it's too wild for her? Please. She's transphobic.

I can compliment a piece of clothing or shoes or find something that is right on anyone But honestly, overall it's usually not a good look, I feel like it would be doing them a favor to say.... dial it back a bit. Less is more.

I hope you're a troll. "The trans." Really? No wonder you're being corrected. You really do sound like an idiot.

Your condescending attitude is hardly going to win anyone over.

[Anonymous]

We as a society adjust to people changing their names all the time through marriage, adoption, and citizenship. It’s not hard.

[Anonymous]

Op I kind of get where youre coming from. I am a gay person and am totally comfortable around transgender people that I meet that are new. I teach my child the same as we have 2 sets of friends that have boys that like to wear dresses and one is most definitely trans.

I have one friend that that I knew as a male for many years, Larlo, we worked together and hung out socially. A few years ago he decided to come out as transgender and has a completely different name and look. I fully support her now and we are friends but in my heart I still think of them as Larlo not Larla. It can be hard to switch that change in your brain.
Thank you for trying though, your friend will know you support them and that is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We as a society adjust to people changing their names all the time through marriage, adoption, and citizenship. It’s not hard.

Not first names we dont. and first names are what we usually call people.

[Anonymous]

If you are as close to these people as you say you are, then you should share some of your feelings and ask for forbearance as you get used to the new reality. An ounce of humility will do a lot, and you can probably ask a few respectful questions if you have them. Don't offer any thoughts on their presentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

The OP is being judgmental. She can't bring herself to compliment someone's dress because it's too wild for her? Please. She's transphobic.

I can compliment a piece of clothing or shoes or find something that is right on anyone But honestly, overall it's usually not a good look, I feel like it would be doing them a favor to say.... dial it back a bit. Less is more.

I hope you're a troll. "The trans." Really? No wonder you're being corrected. You really do sound like an idiot.

+1

I was about to respond but it’s clear OP isn’t sincere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're an idiot, OP, but I do think you're worrying too much. It's important to use the person's correct name and pronouns, but IME people making a sincere effort are forgiven honest mistakes. If your friend changed her name after divorce but you insisted on using her married name, that would be dickish. If you slipped up and used it, that might be unpleasant or even painful but would still just be an honest mistake that you resolved not to make again.

The OP is being judgmental. She can't bring herself to compliment someone's dress because it's too wild for her? Please. She's transphobic.

I can compliment a piece of clothing or shoes or find something that is right on anyone But honestly, overall it's usually not a good look, I feel like it would be doing them a favor to say.... dial it back a bit. Less is more.

I hope you're a troll. "The trans." Really? No wonder you're being corrected. You really do sound like an idiot.

Your condescending attitude is hardly going to win anyone over.

+10000 Good grief, OP is trying to make the effort and if your attitude is any indication of what she encounters than what's the point? You're not doing the trans community any favors acting like this toward people who are trying to be accepting.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have a very close friend who transitioned a couple of years ago. Pronouns can be tricky. Trans people know this. There are no hard feelings for mistakes. Refusing to use preferred pronounds is hurtful. Slip ups are just human.