Who’s the parent here?? Where do I draw the line?

[Anonymous]

I’m curious as to people’s general parenting philosophy on when to let kids make their own decisions/mistakes and when to intervene?

Outside of dangerous situations (obviously) where is that line for you? At 40 i grew up with a lot of fun hints just “happening” - school changes, activities stopped/started, babysitters/caregivers/coaches hired and fired. Now, we’ve moved to the opposite extreme where people are making homebuying decisions based on their children’s needs and preferences.

I want to take my children’s opinions into consideration and i also want to recognize that’s there’s a reason most 10 year olds can’t drive/vote/live alone because they aren’t done with their education and their brains aren’t fully developed.

What’s the right line between 100% my way and 100% catering to their preferences? Any articles or thoughts?

[Anonymous]

That is a LARGE question, one in which your upbringing and current social circle will play a significant role, one way or another.

I live a child-centric lifestyle but do not spoil my kids.

They have a fifth of the toys and clothes that their friends have, a tenth of the entertainment, etc. We can't spend that much, and wouldn't have room for it if we did. I say no more often than yes. Work before play. Manners. Classic literature. Music. They like it, or have learned to like it, because these things are non-negotiable. I take their wishes into account but I have the last word, always

Their academic development and socio-emotional well-being are paramount in our minds, and govern our lifestyle choices, as they should! We have a GT/LD child, and moved to be near the school that we determined to be the right one for him. Nothing is harder than educating such a child, we as parents must make the extra effort. A lot of the mistakes are in time-management, because that's a skill you can't learn if you don't make mistakes. So if he chooses to do put off his project until the last minute and then stays up until midnight or has to ask for a deadline extension and loses his chance for an A, that is a great learning experience. However when he collided with a car on his way to school on his bike, we told him no more biking for now - that's a life and death matter.

[Anonymous]

I am a different parent than my parents, for a lot of the reasons that the above posters have described. Mine were extremely in the "do as I say when I say it" mode and I often found it frustrating and hurtful as a child. I don't want to take it totally in the other direction and give my kid equal say in matters that she doesn't have the judgment to fully understand, but I do take her feelings and preferences into account a lot more.

My parents meant well and were a lot more easy-going than their parents were - they were not high earners, but were frugal and non-stop workers, so were able to give us treats that seemed like wildly spoiling us compared to their backgrounds, and now I suppose I've taken it a step farther with my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to people’s general parenting philosophy on when to let kids make their own decisions/mistakes and when to intervene?

Outside of dangerous situations (obviously) where is that line for you? At 40 i grew up with a lot of fun hints just “happening” - school changes, activities stopped/started, babysitters/caregivers/coaches hired and fired. Now, we’ve moved to the opposite extreme where people are making homebuying decisions based on their children’s needs and preferences.

I want to take my children’s opinions into consideration and i also want to recognize that’s there’s a reason most 10 year olds can’t drive/vote/live alone because they aren’t done with their education and their brains aren’t fully developed.

What’s the right line between 100% my way and 100% catering to their preferences? Any articles or thoughts?

My view is that my kids are fully members of the family. So, the default is that I take their opinions into consideration. And if it's something that mostly affects them and isn't a health/safety issue, then they can decide, or can decide within the limits that I set (example: you can choose any extracurricular activity, so long as it fits our schedule and is within the budget). But I am also a member of the family, so my time/convenience/opinion also counts--I'm not a shuttle service or an ATM, and if something is really inconvenient or time-consuming for me, that matters, too.

However, I am an adult with more life experience and knowledge, so my opinion carries more weight. So, they might want to do X, but I know that X has certain downsides. They either have to come up with a plan to address that, or the answer is no. And since I'm the adult, and I pay all the bills, and I am ultimately responsible for their safety and well-being, I get arbitrary veto power. I just try not to use it very often--I'd rather help my kids talk through decisions so that they can see how I do it and learn how to do it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have specific examples of things your family is currently tackling, OP, or is this just really a philosophical/lifestyle discussion?

We are child centered, but our child is certainly not the sole focus of our family. We take individual needs (yes, mine too! even though I only work part time, from home) AND the needs of our family as a whole into account.

[Anonymous]

Everyone will do things differently. Sometimes my DD will beg me not to make her go into a specific store because she was just there the other day with her other parent. If I can, I will skip it. If I can't, I will tell her Sorry, but I need a few things, and then I'll try to be quick about it.

I give choices that give her a range I'm comfortable with. Do you want chicken parm or baked ziti, but not What would you like for dinner? You see?
Do you want to go to Disneyland first or CA Adventure first, but not Where do you want to go on a vacation?

[Anonymous]

It's hard to answer without specifics, OP. I'm almost 40, and where I grew up, all the families were kid-centric except for mine. I was an only child with older parents, and we did things their way all the time. Sure, they were very supportive of me and drove me to activities, etc., but everything was always based on what they wanted to do, what would be fun for them, etc. My friends' families were much more focused on going places the kids would enjoy, doing things specifically for kids, etc. I see pros and cons of both -- on the one hand, I am still a little bitter about the fact that I had to play second-fiddle to my parents' whims; on the other, I learned to eat at fancy restaurants and have "grown-up conversations" much earlier than my friends. Obviously, balance is important, and there is a middle ground.

[Anonymous]

We try to be pretty balanced about it, and for the things that the kids have to do whether they want to or not we do our best to help them to enjoy it. My 5yo loves going to church; my 2yonwould go grocery shopping every day if she could.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to say, OP, unless you give specific examples. Your query is too vague and general.

Something huge like buying a new house? Um, Dh and I decide, but we take into account how practical it would be for kids and the logistics of schools, neighborhood amenities, and the like.

Something minor like where should DD buy her clothes from? I'm fine with anything as long as it is within reason.

Voting, driving, living alone - yea the kids get silly about it when it comes up in conversation, but that is part of how they learn - conversation, applying what they know to real life, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
That is a LARGE question, one in which your upbringing and current social circle will play a significant role, one way or another.

I live a child-centric lifestyle but do not spoil my kids.

They have a fifth of the toys and clothes that their friends have, a tenth of the entertainment, etc. We can't spend that much, and wouldn't have room for it if we did. I say no more often than yes. Work before play. Manners. Classic literature. Music. They like it, or have learned to like it, because these things are non-negotiable. I take their wishes into account but I have the last word, always

Their academic development and socio-emotional well-being are paramount in our minds, and govern our lifestyle choices, as they should! We have a GT/LD child, and moved to be near the school that we determined to be the right one for him. Nothing is harder than educating such a child, we as parents must make the extra effort. A lot of the mistakes are in time-management, because that's a skill you can't learn if you don't make mistakes. So if he chooses to do put off his project until the last minute and then stays up until midnight or has to ask for a deadline extension and loses his chance for an A, that is a great learning experience. However when he collided with a car on his way to school on his bike, we told him no more biking for now - that's a life and death matter.

I can think of many many things that are harder.

Y'all are way overthinking all of this. Do what feels right. Many times you have to say "no," many times you get to say "yes." As long as they're asking and you're making the decision, they know who the parent is.

[Anonymous]

“What do I want to be when I grow up?”

To get to the point of making this decision, and many others in adult life, you need practice - sound decision-making is a learned skill.

Having your entire childhood dictated to you does not lead to understanding what you want in life, what you stand for or ever having experience making responsible decisions. It leads to extreme people-pleasing.

“I want, I want, I want, I want” and then you get...does not lead to learning to live in a shared environment or discovery of new views.

I’m supportive of children learning to make decisions about their interests, views and certain aspects of education. As parents, we feel there are certain decisions we will make for our family since,well, the family is our responsibility. We think they need to study math, read, and pursue a few varied interests because we feel this will be beneficial to them in the future. While well listen to the childrens’ views, we will not go into great debt to join a country club or buy a bigger home because this is what their friends have - since we have savings plans and personal interests that don’t fit those desires. Is this what you mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to people’s general parenting philosophy on when to let kids make their own decisions/mistakes and when to intervene?

Outside of dangerous situations (obviously) where is that line for you? At 40 i grew up with a lot of fun hints just “happening” - school changes, activities stopped/started, babysitters/caregivers/coaches hired and fired. Now, we’ve moved to the opposite extreme where people are making homebuying decisions based on their children’s needs and preferences.

I want to take my children’s opinions into consideration and i also want to recognize that’s there’s a reason most 10 year olds can’t drive/vote/live alone because they aren’t done with their education and their brains aren’t fully developed.

What’s the right line between 100% my way and 100% catering to their preferences? Any articles or thoughts?

My view is that my kids are fully members of the family. So, the default is that I take their opinions into consideration. And if it's something that mostly affects them and isn't a health/safety issue, then they can decide, or can decide within the limits that I set (example: you can choose any extracurricular activity, so long as it fits our schedule and is within the budget). But I am also a member of the family, so my time/convenience/opinion also counts--I'm not a shuttle service or an ATM, and if something is really inconvenient or time-consuming for me, that matters, too.

However, I am an adult with more life experience and knowledge, so my opinion carries more weight. So, they might want to do X, but I know that X has certain downsides. They either have to come up with a plan to address that, or the answer is no. And since I'm the adult, and I pay all the bills, and I am ultimately responsible for their safety and well-being, I get arbitrary veto power. I just try not to use it very often--I'd rather help my kids talk through decisions so that they can see how I do it and learn how to do it.

This is probably closest to my own philosophy.

The only other thing I will add is my kids know that with increasing independence/privilege comes increasing responsibility. My kids are 11-17. And this is where they mess up a bit, and then get some independence taken away here and there. They earn it back eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to say, OP, unless you give specific examples. Your query is too vague and general.

Something huge like buying a new house? Um, Dh and I decide, but we take into account how practical it would be for kids and the logistics of schools, neighborhood amenities, and the like.

Something minor like where should DD buy her clothes from? I'm fine with anything as long as it is within reason.

Voting, driving, living alone - yea the kids get silly about it when it comes up in conversation, but that is part of how they learn - conversation, applying what they know to real life, etc.

agree. i can't tell if you think moving to a house with good schools or close to family errands is over the top and the way to go is live right by your office no matter how shitty the schools are or unsafe the neighborhood.

once you have kids you have to change how you live and make decisions. don't spoil them but don't ignore their needs.

[Anonymous]

I don’t actually know anyone who bought a house based on their kids’ preferences. Do you, OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t actually know anyone who bought a house based on their kids’ preferences. Do you, OP?

OP said "children's needs [and preferences]."

I would venture to say the vast majority of people I know who bought houses after (or shortly before) they had kids bought them for the school zones, which would definitely count as buying for children's needs. I'm actually having trouble thinking of someone who didn't.