IL visit frequency

[Anonymous]

Out of state/region ILs have seen Dd 6 times in first 11 months. Yet they claim they will have to watch her “from a distance” because we have been to them once despite us both working full time and their being 6 hours of travel away. Every other month seems more than enough to me. Yay or ney on their comment being bs

[Anonymous]

It is enough. But it is also true that they are watching her from a distance. Both can be true.

[Anonymous]

Good Lord. Ask how much THEY enjoyed taking off work, schlepping a baby and baby stuff across several states, cramming into a spare room and caring for an off-schedule baby. They can expect one, maybe two visits from you per year.

I am so sick of retired, able-bodied 60-somethings with literally nothing else to do sit around and complain about not being visited.

[Anonymous]

Have they actually asked you to visit them more or asked to visit you more? Or were they just making a comment?

[Anonymous]

My in laws are 4 hours away and usually come down one weekend per month. We usually only go to their house once per year and they understand that.

My parents are 8 hours drive away and come to us 3-4 times per year and we go there once a year. They complain that they don't see us more often but we have told them they are welcome to visit as often as they like, and they are both retired, healthy, affluent so they could do it if they really wanted to. I wish we saw them more too but we have 2 young kids, one of whom is not a good traveler and sleeps horribly whenever we're away from home. And we both work. So it's just not feasible right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have they actually asked you to visit them more or asked to visit you more? Or were they just making a comment?

Mil is currently both making that comment and refusing to visit us until we visit them. Tears and all to dh that we aren’t close so of course he booked a guilt trip. They are 60s, healthy, and affluent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they actually asked you to visit them more or asked to visit you more? Or were they just making a comment?

Mil is currently both making that comment and refusing to visit us until we visit them. Tears and all to dh that we aren’t close so of course he booked a guilt trip. They are 60s, healthy, and affluent

Tell him to have fun.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Europe. We split the visits equally. Once of year on average.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they actually asked you to visit them more or asked to visit you more? Or were they just making a comment?

Mil is currently both making that comment and refusing to visit us until we visit them. Tears and all to dh that we aren’t close so of course he booked a guilt trip. They are 60s, healthy, and affluent

Tell him to have fun.

This. If you go, you’re setting a precedent that she can simply manipulate her way into a visit. It will not stop. Let your husband take the baby. Let him deal with it. It will take one visit and then he’ll never be manipulated like that again.

[Anonymous]

Our visits are very unequal. My parents come every month. I'm due with baby #2 next week and they've rented an apartment for 6 months to help us. It's amazing and they truly are helpful. We love everything about that arrangement. I have only gone to their house ONCE in 2 years since my first baby was born (it's a quick 2 hour plane ride).

My inlaws have come to us 2x in the past two years to spend the night. We've visited them about 16x including nearly over half of all holidays in the past year. It seems incredibly unfair to me and my parents but DH doesn't mind.

My inlaws are disappointed with how we visit more with my parents than them. I ignore all comments like that because it's so ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of state/region ILs have seen Dd 6 times in first 11 months. Yet they claim they will have to watch her “from a distance” because we have been to them once despite us both working full time and their being 6 hours of travel away. Every other month seems more than enough to me. Yay or ney on their comment being bs

Visiting them once a year is infrequent. My parents were 7 hours away and we tried for 3-4 times a year. The fact that they have come 5 times, says that they are willing to travel and are wanting to be active grandparents. This is a blessing. Aim to visit them 3x a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our visits are very unequal. My parents come every month. I'm due with baby #2 next week and they've rented an apartment for 6 months to help us. It's amazing and they truly are helpful. We love everything about that arrangement. I have only gone to their house ONCE in 2 years since my first baby was born (it's a quick 2 hour plane ride).

My inlaws have come to us 2x in the past two years to spend the night. We've visited them about 16x including nearly over half of all holidays in the past year. It seems incredibly unfair to me and my parents but DH doesn't mind.

My inlaws are disappointed with how we visit more with my parents than them. I ignore all comments like that because it's so ridiculous.

Wow. You need to grow a backbone. Of course your DH doesn’t mind. Your parents do all the work and his parents get all the visits. Why don’t you stand up for your parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they actually asked you to visit them more or asked to visit you more? Or were they just making a comment?

Mil is currently both making that comment and refusing to visit us until we visit them. Tears and all to dh that we aren’t close so of course he booked a guilt trip. They are 60s, healthy, and affluent

Again, this is a DH problem. You need to have an on going conversation with your Dh about your priorities for time off, travel, etc. Decide on a reasonable number of trips during the year (roughly, and include holidays). Then stick to it. He does not need to share this with his parents. But he does need to understand exactly WHY his mother's guilt trips are unreasonable. Come at him gently with this. But he can not just give in to her crying. Set a time in the future to visit, keep your home open to them, be firm and kind and gentle when saying no to her crying.

I am much more generous with my MIL when I feel like she is not trying to emotionally manipulate me and my DH. So this helps EVERYONE in the long run.

I've also found that once the baby turns into the toddler, who has clear preferences on what to do, these things settle down. The "new baby" thing makes everyone nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have they actually asked you to visit them more or asked to visit you more? Or were they just making a comment?

Mil is currently both making that comment and refusing to visit us until we visit them. Tears and all to dh that we aren’t close so of course he booked a guilt trip. They are 60s, healthy, and affluent

First grandchild? It makes some women go crazy for awhile. If she hadn't thought through what it means that you guys live six hours away, even more so. She's putting her angst and emotional adjustment on you guys.

What really needs to happen is for DH to have a chat with his parents, remind them that both your time off is limited due to having just had a child and all the sick time associated with it. He can help them get comfortable with the notion that they need to do more of the traveling if they want to see their grandchild frequently.

How often did you see them before, and in which location? How much of a change is this? And I would add, hang in there until your child is just a bit older and consider that DH could make the trip out ot see them just him and DS, so you get a weekend break!

[Anonymous]

Stop listening. They are just lamenting. That doesn't mean action is needed. They are sharing their feelings. Better if they realized it is actually hurtful if they elicit guilt.