Seriously not me - how to ask for divorce
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Anonymous
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Dear DCUM- My best friend of years has been involved in an affair with a married woman for 4ish years. I guess the mistress couldn't deal with the guilt of lying to her husband, so she separated and is going to finalize her divorce soon. His relationship with his DW is according to him lacking passion and all the other things that make marriages great, etc etc. He wants to ask his wife for a divorce but has no idea how to start the conversation given there is no actual conflict between them. She also has a history of depression and was seeing a therapist for a while. I have told him its unfair to just bring this up randomly and that he should discuss these issues with her, if nothing else to make sure the marriage cannto be saved. I think he owes it to her to be kind and thoughtful, its not her fault he is over her... And I think its unfair he is stringing her along while having this other relationship. Most shocking and sad: his wife thinks everything is fine and other than sporadic complaints that she feels he is distant, happy in her marriage.
Any advice for someone who wants to separate/divorce as to how to start the conversation? Can anyone share their experiences? anything you wish you could have done better/different? Thank you! |
Anonymous
| He needs to be honest. Explain his affair. Tell her he doesn’t love her. Anything else would be close to gaslighting. |
Anonymous
| First talk to your lawyer then talk to your spouse |
Anonymous
| Don't mention the affair. Bad idea! |
Anonymous
When she finds out she’ll be furious. |
Anonymous
| Leave out the affair. |
Anonymous
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1. He really hasn't ever mentioned to her that he is unhappy? That seems kind of silly to me because maybe something could have been fixed.
2. Assuming #1 has happened why not just use that as an opening line? Your friend could say that they have discussed his unhappiness in the past and he does not see a way to resolve his own personal issues in the marriage and he would like to pursue a divorce. |
Anonymous
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If he wants to give it a go he should leave out the affair.
If he wants a divorce he should be blunt and ask her for one. This whole situation is unfair to his wife but leaving her in the dark is more unfair. What do you want him to do OP? Start fighting more with his wife so she can gradually understand he marriage is on the rocks? |
Anonymous
The first question his wife will ask is "are you having an affair?". |
Anonymous
At this point I'm not sure one more lie is really going to matter after a four year affair. He should take all the blame though and say something like he's not happy in the married lifestyle or wants to be on his own or whatever. |
Anonymous
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Do these people have children?
If no, he says "Susie, I don't want to be married to you anymore." as soon as possible. If yes, they do therapy and he makes some attempt to sort it out with wife and handle things gracefully. |
Anonymous
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Tell your "best friend" that if he says stuff like his marriage "lacks passion but all the other things are great" he is lying.
What this means is that he wants her to think he is actually a good guy and only cheats because of his wife. It's a lie, he loves his wife, they have sex all the time and he is lying to your "best friend". It's a common lie that women fall for all the time. The worst thing she could have done is left her H. The AP wants nothing to do with a real relationship with her and now that she has nothing to lose she is a threat to his comfortable life. He will dump you friend in the next 3 months. Cue the dude that is doing the same thing to his AP... he will claim he is not lying, but he is also a liar. BTW the statistic for AP's to get together after an affair is 5% and 60% of those break up soon after. |
Anonymous
And he should totally lie about this. |
Anonymous
| It's a four-year relationship, not affair. This is serious business. |
Anonymous
| Who cares if it is you or not? We don't know you or your friend! |