Tips to handle transitions DD living with us

[Anonymous]

Almost 3 year old DD lives with my inlaws since she was 3 months old, and she lives with us every weekends & holidays. We live 3 hours away, and we did have our valid reasons why we do that way (sorry, does not want to get into details). We are finally stabilized with jobs & everything, so DD is coming to live with us in less than a month, and she will go to full day daycare/preschool when we work. I am both excited but nervous about the transitions for all of us.

She is a sensitive child, picky eater, and is a bit spoiled. We are used to give way to her almost everything (what she wants to do & what she wants to eat) because I feel bad for her that she can only stay with us on weekends. And, grandparents also spoil her a lot too because she is the only grandchild. When DD moves back with us, I & DH are determined to change the house rules for good, more strict to her & want to change her picky eater diet. And, we will also work on her potty training (still in diaper) & sleep training (she needs cosleep) too. I don't even know how to change the house rules in a less dramatic way for her not to be upset? I can foresee that there will be a lot of drama & crying & struggles at our house, and I bet she would be super upset & feel unloved because of all changes. It would be the first time she goes to daycare, so it would be a lot of crying & insecurities involved. For me & DH, we have to figure out how to do the evening routine during the workdays, morning routine to get her prep for daycare, and also prepare her individual dinner meal. As time coming close, I am actually nervous about this transition. I know that I would survive at the end, but just does not have a lot of confidence to handle the situation well among of us during the tough transitions period. Thinking of that right now already gives me headache. Any helpful tips to share would be appreciated. thanks!

[Anonymous]

Find an experienced family therapist to guide you. This is likely going to be traumatic enough for the child.

[Anonymous]

Let go of all the things you are going to straighten her out on and change. Try to show her love and security. Be kind and change your attitude. You are throwing that child’s life into total upheaval and turmoil - be kind and patient with her. Have fun with her. Let her adjust to you and then, after a few months - maybe longer - slowly make changes.

[Anonymous]

Don't try to institute all these new policies at once. Just living with you is a big transition to start.

[Anonymous]

I would tackle one thing at a time. So when she moves in with you, continue to co-sleep until she's totally comfortable with the transition, and then you can work on getting her to sleep in her own bed (with a sticker chart or similar). For eating, I suggest all of you eating together as often as possible. Make sure to have one of her preferred foods on the table, along with whatever you are eating. Let her decide what to eat; as she sees you enjoy a variety of food, she is likely to decide to try it too (but don't pressure her).

Good luck! I'm glad that you are now in a better place so that you can care for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Yes to all of the above.


But mostly drop all the things you are going to change about her and simply live and accept her for awhile. Daycare is going to be hard enough. Let me say this as kindly as I can: think of this child’s feelings FIRST. And stop being so high and mighty about all the things your in laws did wrong. They were here for her when you weren’t (for whatever reason). Make this transition easy for the girl. Do not tackle all the things you think is wrong with this poor little soul all at once. Never, ever speak I’ll of her grandparents in front of her.


Get a family therapist now. Transition slowly. Understand that you could really f this child up for good if you keep your attitude. You change, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op,

Don't blame your kid for being spoiled.

Definitely find a family counselor. If you need to find one on a sliding scale, try The Womens Center.

I wish your family the best with this transition.

[Anonymous]

+1000 to all of the PPs who are advocating just accepting and loving her in your home without ANY changes for at least the first few months. The change IS living in your home. That is huge. For all of you.
Plus she also has to adjust to adding a new daytime environment (day care) to her life.
For an adult, this is the equivalent of leaving home, getting married and moving in with spouse, and starting a new job all at once! We would consider that a lot of change to deal with at once. Now throw in someone telling you to eat all new things and change your sleep habits and comfortable patterns as well. That's too much at once, OP.
Baby steps and you'll all get there with patience. One thing at a time.

[Anonymous]

Get yourselves to a family therapist PDQ. It sounds like there may be a language or cultural barrier for you and I know it won’t be easy to find the right person, but what you are planning to do right now is going to hurt your child in a way you will see have effects for decades. Don’t do that. Get yourselves some guidance and coaching from a professional.

[Anonymous]

Agree that you and she both need therapy. She is leaving her home forever. That's traumatic.

Do not get strict right away. That will not go well for any of you and you will not be successful. She will be scared and mourning her own life. The last thing you should do is take away her comfort foods.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the others on making one change at a time and giving her a chance to fully adapt before making another big one. So once she moves in, no major changes to routines for at least a couple of months. Then work on whichever of the sleep or potty training issues are a higher priority for you, and then once that's solidly in place and she's comfortable with it for a couple of months, work on the other one.

You can work on her diet from the start by introducing new/different foods at meals, but make sure she also has access to something she likes and enough of it that she can feel full even if she doesn't want to eat the other foods. It would be really damaging to her if you create food insecurity for her in the middle of this transition by withholding familiar foods so that she goes hungry.

Are there other changes you plan to make as well? If so, one thing to keep in mind is not to simply take things away right now, but make substitutions instead that help her feel cared for and safe. So if, for instance, you feel like she gets too much screen time now and want to cut back, don't just take it away and leave her to her own devices, substitute that time she used to spending in front of the television for time with you, whether it's play with toys, reading a book, or even getting her involved doing household chores with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let go of all the things you are going to straighten her out on and change. Try to show her love and security. Be kind and change your attitude. You are throwing that child’s life into total upheaval and turmoil - be kind and patient with her. Have fun with her. Let her adjust to you and then, after a few months - maybe longer - slowly make changes.

+1 But absolutely create a routine for her and have set expectations. I would not begin to tackle things like sleep training or potty training for 3-6 months at least. But you should absolutely have a regular routine for her so that she has predictability, and you should not change the expectations from day to day. What she is allowed to do one day should be the next. What will help with the transition is that you are loving and kind but also provide her with the comfort of a routine and predictability. It's okay to put your foot down and say no, and you should -- but just do it in a way that is in line with the expectations you set. Talk with her about rules in the house, and don't freak out when she breaks rules, but also be firm about them, even at the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Can your inlaws help with the transition? Definitely have them talk it up?

Does she currently go to preschool? That alone can be tough if you've never been before?

Will your inlaws be there to assist - maybe they can stay Sunday night through Tuesday just to ease your DD into her new normal and so your DD won't feel your inlaws abandoned her.
Yes, she's been to your house before, but never during "normal"/work week/preschool time.

Be patient. Her world is about to turn upside down. All she's ever known, the stability, the routine, the familiarity of inlaws' house, her little friends, etc. will be gone in less that a 24 hr turn-around.

Is there anyway to ease into it better - instead of having her over just weekends like you currently do, have her stay through Tuesday. Then the following week, have her stay a bit longer?

[Anonymous]

CHANGE ONE THING AT A TIME.

The first thing you'll be forced to change is daycare, which means that you can't change anything else right away. Co-sleep, feed her exactly the same kind of food, treat exactly the same as the grandparents did, etc.

Give it one month, or until the daycare transition is done.

Then go down the list of changes you wish to make, starting with the thing you most want to change. Slowly does it!

I don't know your circumstances, but at NIH, there are plenty of Chinese research scientists who have their children cared for by the grandparents... back in China. You have my sympathies, OP. All will be well! Your child will bond to you. Take it easy.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all helpful tips. I am not planning to make all changes at once, but just want to have a good & firm start on the house rules from the getgo. She is a smart girl, and she behaves differently in front of different people. If I have to prioritize, I would want to target eating habit first (it has been number 1 problem for us & inlaws), secondly potty training (she needs to be potty trained in the next couple months to move on to the next class), and lastly cosleep. DD sleeps by herself in inlaw's house, but she needs me to cosleep with her in our house probably of her insecurities.

DD loves me a lot, but her bonding with DH has room to be improved. And, we promise inlaws we will take DD to see them at least once a month, and it could be a sleepover or a luncheon/dinner or a family outing together. She has not been in daycare before, but she always enjoy to interact with other kids. I have enrolled her to all sorts of classes, but each only lasts one hour or less. I bet she would love daycare at last, but of course it would be a big struggle for her to begin with.