I really don’t think my son hasn’t autism but another experienced mother feels certain he does

[Anonymous]

How do I get a mother to stop suggesting my son has autism? We just left another playgroup and I’m a little on edge, sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors.

This isn’t a catty situation, she is honestly meaning well but it’s starting to upset me. My DS and her DD are in the same 2.5 year old play group since they were 18 months. She has a 7 year old who has high functioning autism and she’s a phanomenal mother, I’ve seen her handle insanely stressful moments between both children in public with more grace than I could’ve imagined. I really respect her in this sense. My DS has been slow to verbally communicate, we are working with a speech therapist who does not think he has any signs of autism. But the mother is insistent that he is showing clear signs.

I’m a first time mom and this is messing with my head. DS has his strengths, knows colors, numbers, counts, shapes, letters. No problem with social or emotional skill development but he has been slow to communicate. The mother says these laser focused interest with counting and colors are clear early warning signs and wants me to see her overly expensive therapist to start getting him help. But we are in an early prevention program, he’s been evaluated by a team of professionals who set him up with a speech therapist. Her initial worries are what lead me to the early prevention program but she feels they misdiagnosed because she sees him more often.

I just want her to drop the subject but every time I earnestly tell her it’s getting to me because I’m doing all I can to ensure he’s being seen by the right people, she’s quick to insist they’re not specialist in autism. Her hearts in the right place but what do I say to get her to move on from this topic? I co-run the playgroup, either of us not attending anymore is not a resolution i’d feel comfortable with. I also do not want to be insensitive towards her.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to justify to her why you won't want to hear it from her anymore. Don't tell her how "it's getting to me" or anything, just tell her to stop. Every time she starts in again about it, just say "Stop!" I get her heart is in the right place but she needs to cut it out.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, stop hanging out with her.

[Anonymous]

you need to be a little direct. Thanks, we're taking care of it.

Thanks, we're on top of it.

Thanks, we're handling this.

And then change the subject. Let's hope she gets the hint. If she doesn't, you have to say, Larla, I appreciate your concern but I hope you will respect my desire not to discuss it further.

[Anonymous]

Autism is just a label. At 2.5 (and really throughout all their life) it’s more important to focus on skills (which is exactly what you are doing).

-parent of child that has been seen by multiple speech therapists and psychologists where most say no to HFA and one or two say yes

[Anonymous]

My oldest was incredibly focused on colors, patterns, numbers and words.

He was also very social.

He ended up highly gifted (142 IQ) but no autism or aspergers.

We have aspies in our family and patterns/counting/loving numbers etc does not equal autistic spectrum nor does speech delay.

There is a disconnect socially that is obvious with aspies, including incessant talking/fixation on their favorite topic (it can come off as a non stop, monotone monologue or a passionate diatribe that you cannot stop or interrupt), lack of eye contact, sensory overload/shutting down when things are overwhelming, and not understanding or relating to normal body and face cues that most people get right away.

If your kid is fine socially, he is probably just a kid who likes numbers and patterns, or a kid who might do well on gifted testing screening (which looks at those things) and probably does not have aspergers.

[Anonymous]

Oldest is a teenager now, about to go off to college, so I am certain of no autism.

He still loves patterns and numbers

Anonymous wrote:My oldest was incredibly focused on colors, patterns, numbers and words.

He was also very social.

He ended up highly gifted (142 IQ) but no autism or aspergers.

We have aspies in our family and patterns/counting/loving numbers etc does not equal autistic spectrum nor does speech delay.

There is a disconnect socially that is obvious with aspies, including incessant talking/fixation on their favorite topic (it can come off as a non stop, monotone monologue or a passionate diatribe that you cannot stop or interrupt), lack of eye contact, sensory overload/shutting down when things are overwhelming, and not understanding or relating to normal body and face cues that most people get right away.

If your kid is fine socially, he is probably just a kid who likes numbers and patterns, or a kid who might do well on gifted testing screening (which looks at those things) and probably does not have aspergers.

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry you are dealing with this, OP. The advice given above is excellent but I also wouldn't fault you if you lost your temper with her. Are you close with others in the group? If I were sitting there while this mother made implications left and right, I'd feel really uncomfortable. While we are all secretly guilty of sizing up other kids and being judgemental, I would feel that this "autism expert mom" was putting all of our kids and their means of play and interaction under a microscope. No one wants that kind of mom around!

If there is a playgroup leader, I would consider speaking with her about it. Tell her that it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable for you in the group-- that this is supposed to be enjoyable and helpful not judgemental.

[Anonymous]

I would probably try to say something like: thanks for your concern. Noted. I will let you know if I have any further questions in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am really sorry you are dealing with this, OP. The advice given above is excellent but I also wouldn't fault you if you lost your temper with her. Are you close with others in the group? If I were sitting there while this mother made implications left and right, I'd feel really uncomfortable. While we are all secretly guilty of sizing up other kids and being judgemental, I would feel that this "autism expert mom" was putting all of our kids and their means of play and interaction under a microscope. No one wants that kind of mom around!

If there is a playgroup leader, I would consider speaking with her about it. Tell her that it's becoming increasingly uncomfortable for you in the group-- that this is supposed to be enjoyable and helpful not judgemental.

I'm sorry- just read the end that you are the co/organizer. Yuck, OP. This woman has absolutely no boundaries and it's going to get her in serious trouble as she navigates the world of playdates and mom friends.

[Anonymous]

"I hear you. We're working on it. I appreciate your input, but I really don't want to talk about it again."

[Anonymous]

She’s projecting her experience onto you and your child. Ask her where she went to med school. Let her know it’s not OK, and that your child’s pediatrician and other therapists don’t see autism.

[Anonymous]

I want to urge you to tell her to cut it out and to let you be. It's obvious it's causing you distress and she should be more attuned to that. And maybe you should say all that. But...she has an autistic boy and is seeing strong similar attributes in your kid. I don't think I could ignore it, especially as a first-time mom without the experience to know what is developmentally typical. Was your child evaluated by professionals other than speech and OT? If so, did they do ADOS (it's not a perfect test, especially at that age, but it can point to things to keep an eye out for)?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, but I've BTDT and that other experience mom is my own mother.

I think it's important to keep in mind a label doesn't change who your DC is, and that's what is most important. If you're addressing your own concerns with the right professionals, it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks.

I think ppl still think my DS (who is 13) has autism, but the experts didn't choose to label him that way. Maybe he has some traits that are also often seen in children with autism, but he's his own person and autism is a very BROAD spectrum of many different characteristics.

I would just say "I'm addressing my child's needs, thanks for your concern." then refuse to discuss.

[Anonymous]

I'd pull away from her and if you do get into that situation, tell her thank you for the concern but we have it under control. I'd appreciate if you would stop diagnosing my child. Its very common for others to jump to ASD with speech delays or anything else. Its very frusterating.