I really don’t think my son hasn’t autism but another experienced mother feels certain he does

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest was incredibly focused on colors, patterns, numbers and words.

He was also very social.

He ended up highly gifted (142 IQ) but no autism or aspergers.

We have aspies in our family and patterns/counting/loving numbers etc does not equal autistic spectrum nor does speech delay.

There is a disconnect socially that is obvious with aspies, including incessant talking/fixation on their favorite topic (it can come off as a non stop, monotone monologue or a passionate diatribe that you cannot stop or interrupt), lack of eye contact, sensory overload/shutting down when things are overwhelming, and not understanding or relating to normal body and face cues that most people get right away.

If your kid is fine socially, he is probably just a kid who likes numbers and patterns, or a kid who might do well on gifted testing screening (which looks at those things) and probably does not have aspergers.

You know, I was just reading this, and thinking, maybe that mom has a little issue where she can't let go...incessant talking/fixation on their favorite subject, which in her case, happens to be autism, and OP's son.

[Anonymous]

I am going to offer a different perspective. I have been that mom on the sidelines for 5 years knowing, with absolute certainty, that a kiddo in my close circle was on the autism spectrum and trying ever so delicately every 2-3 months to nudge the parents (good friends but in total denial) that they needed to get specialized help. Finally, abt three years in, I just flat out said that having worked with children very similar to their kid who were on the spectrum, I hoped that they would evaluate their kid who was beginning to truly struggle. They thanked me and did nothing. After that, I just dropped it because I felt I had absolutely gone above and beyond any reasonable boundary and it was no longer (if ever it was) my place to raise the issue. Honestly, it was so, so difficult to see this kid I really care about struggle mightily in early elementary school knowing that the clock was ticking and the importance of early intervention. He was finally diagnosed four years after that talk. And it took another year to get him stabilized and get the right supports in place. It sucked...so much unnecessary struggle and heartache for the parents and the kiddo. But you know what?! It was a journey they "had" to experience on their own terms without me meddling. I don't regret my initial comments or that conversation but that's really all that I could do and even that came dangerously close to costing their friendship. I say this not because your kid may or may not have autism but to share some insight as to what it might feel like for her. Having said that, she needs to let it go and move on. Just be direct with her as the other PPs have indicated.

[Anonymous]

This Mom thinks she is an expert because she has a child on the spectrum. She is being ridiculous. You can tell her that her experience with autism does not mean she is an expert. A speech delay is not autism, and narrowed interests are not autism either. Sometimes one can exhibit “autistic” like traits and they don’t have autism. In fact, a speech therapist, while not equipped to diagnose, probably has much more experience with children with ASD. In your case, your speech therapist does not see it. Or you could simply not engage with this woman anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going to offer a different perspective. I have been that mom on the sidelines for 5 years knowing, with absolute certainty, that a kiddo in my close circle was on the autism spectrum and trying ever so delicately every 2-3 months to nudge the parents (good friends but in total denial) that they needed to get specialized help. Finally, abt three years in, I just flat out said that having worked with children very similar to their kid who were on the spectrum, I hoped that they would evaluate their kid who was beginning to truly struggle. They thanked me and did nothing. After that, I just dropped it because I felt I had absolutely gone above and beyond any reasonable boundary and it was no longer (if ever it was) my place to raise the issue. Honestly, it was so, so difficult to see this kid I really care about struggle mightily in early elementary school knowing that the clock was ticking and the importance of early intervention. He was finally diagnosed four years after that talk. And it took another year to get him stabilized and get the right supports in place. It sucked...so much unnecessary struggle and heartache for the parents and the kiddo. But you know what?! It was a journey they "had" to experience on their own terms without me meddling. I don't regret my initial comments or that conversation but that's really all that I could do and even that came dangerously close to costing their friendship. I say this not because your kid may or may not have autism but to share some insight as to what it might feel like for her. Having said that, she needs to let it go and move on. Just be direct with her as the other PPs have indicated.

In this case, though, the OP HAS gotten evaluations. But the autism mom thinks, with her 20 minutes of ASD expertise, that she knows more.

I ran into this with some people, who tried to armchair diagnose my language kid with autism. Yes, I'd comment, when someone talked about autism, "They are diagnosing almost every kid with autism these days."

[Anonymous]

Wow, she's annoying. At this point, it doesn't matter much if your kid's on the spectrum or not. Early intervention helps.

Be direct and tell her, "Larla, my kid is getting the help he needs at the moment. If I want your advice I will ask. Stop bringing it up."

[Anonymous]

Or just lie. Wait few weeks and teller her you had him tested and they said no.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Let me tell you my story. I was convinced my son has Asperger's when he was a toddler, because of all kinds of signs (hyperfocus, lack of eye contact and very poor social communication being the three most significant). Not one professional (OT, PT, speech, ped, dev ped) we were seeing for developmental delays and speech delays due to prematurity, agreed with me. They all said it was a confounding factor with the consequences of his prematurity, and that I was worried about nothing.

Well, I'm convinced he's either at the threshold, or diagnosable. Later on, my husband's young adult nephew was diagnosed with Asperger's, and I realized tendencies ran in all the males of the family, DH included. When DS was diagnosed with ADHD years later, the very reputable psychologist practice we went to discussed performing extra tests to tease it out, saying he had many of the signs, but was borderline. We chose not to pursue this.

Why? Because we were already doing just as much for him as he would have received with an autism diagnosis. Due to his ADHD/speech/delay thing, he had received all kinds of therapies as a toddler, plus private speech as a preschooler, then a social skills group in public elementary, disguised as a speech session (the school SLP knew what she was doing!), and a stint in one of Alvord and Baker's social skills group. More importantly, we were aware of his weaknesses and onstantly worked with him to engage his social understanding of life. Exhausting, but it works better than any outside therapy.

It's hard to identify such disorders when you are dealing with several possible ones at once. There are so many confounding factors and overlapping symptoms from one disorder to the next!

You and your friend could both be right, in a way. Your dear boy could very well have tendencies, diagnosable or not (social communication is on a spectrum, right?) but that doesn't mean you need to run to her preferred provider. It means you need to do you own extensive research, borrow books from the library, go to seminars, and then work with him at home in his daily life. It will help him tremendously, even if he doesn't have any form of autism at all!

As for your friend, you can just say: "I'm doing my own research, don't worry. Let's talk about something else."

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with the others that this mom is being really obnoxious and you obviously need to be very direct. (You've already been direct enough for most people, but it's clearly not direct enough for her.) My son didn't get diagnosed with autism (Aspergers) til 13, and I think it would have been nice to learn more about what would be best for me to do when he was much younger. So I wish I had a friend sit me down. I was already addressing his needs very well, except for the social piece. But if a friend brought it up the way your friend does, I would not have been NEARLY as patient as you have been. She's being thoughtless.

[Anonymous]

"Larla, you tell me that every time you see me. Enough."

Don't say thank you. Don't say your kid is okay, or that you are on top of it, or that you will ask for her help if you want it, or talk about him or yourself at all. You are not the issue. She is.

[Anonymous]

That would be so annoying! My nephew was similar to your son and wound up in speech therapy around that age. Now he's 4 and now he Does. Not. Stop. Talking. He's so funny. No autism or other issues whatsoever. She is just projecting.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sometimes people think because their kid has an issue and they have read a lot they now have a Ph.D and can assess others and make predictions.

I had a similar, but different situation. I knew mine was on the spectrum, I also knew every child was different and the doctor saw many signs DC is very high functioning. Well over the years I have encountered amazing moms of kids with ASD, some who are dear friends and the occasional one who cannot help, but get in my business.

When my kid was a tot and I already knew the diagnosis, a mom of a child on the spectrum who presented differently thought it was her job to inform me of all the challenges I would face and all the things my kid would not do. I did not have the heart to tell her he was already doing things she said would be struggles. NONE of her predictions came true. I found myself avoiding her because I didn't want to make her feel bad that her own son wasn't doing certain things, but she clearly did not have a handle on mine. I did once tell her we see outstanding clinicians and they are guiding us already, but she could.NOIT.let go.

Years later I encountered another autism mom at a speech therapy waiting room who's child is in a self-contained classroom. I stupidly shared my kid's diagnosis. She cannot stop pushing self-contained on us even though she has rarely been around our son. He does not have behavior issues. He has a high IQ. He does well in mainstream and has friends. She has it in her mind it is cruel to put a child with autism in mainstream. EVERY expert said our kid belongs in mainstream. Again, i don't want to make her feel bad so I mostly avoid her.; My child no longer does private ST, but I do see her at the store and in the neighborhood now and then.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she’s on the spectrum as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she’s on the spectrum as well.

I was about to say the same thing! I know plenty of parents of ASD kids now and it is not unusual for them to be a bit insensitive to social cues and norms--around giving parenting advice and everything else.

But I also appreciate the PP who tried to get her friends to recognize the issue, for their sake and the kid's. We had a good friend, an elementary teacher, who saw the signs in DS long before we did and very gently urged us to get him evaluated. We didn't listen and I wish we had. This is a tough issue.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid with ASD and ADHD and when I tell other parents about his diagnosis, the immediate reaction is always “he seems normal to me”, “ I don’t see it”, etc. However, I am glad we listened to his preK4 teacher and got him evaluated and help/IEP. DS is 10 now and doing very well.

Your child is 2.5 and it sounds like you are doing a good job. Tell the other mother that you are keeping an eye on it but having her constantly tell you this is stressing you out. Be blunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your friend could both be right, in a way. Your dear boy could very well have tendencies, diagnosable or not (social communication is on a spectrum, right?) but that doesn't mean you need to run to her preferred provider. It means you need to do you own extensive research, borrow books from the library, go to seminars, and then work with him at home in his daily life. It will help him tremendously, even if he doesn't have any form of autism at all!

OP this is very good advice. I won't be surprised in the least if you come back a few years from now with an ASD diagnosis but as others have pointed out, that's not the point and you have to go through the journey. Which as PP said, has as much to do with *research* as it does choosing therapy methods and providers.

I assume that you don't want to take her provider advice because you're not yet convinced that your son's diagnosis is so far off the mark (or off the mark at all) that you need to disrupt your son's current trajectory, which is yielding some results. But you're open to information. If so, tell her that. Tell her you heard her advice loud and clear, that she doesn't need to repeat it any more (say this twice if you need to), and that if she wants to be a good and supportive friend she could instead share books, articles, helpful websites, general perspectives, etc.