Would you tell your good friend their child is not invited to a birthday party?

[Anonymous]

My friend and I became friends and bonded over our kids being similarly aged. The kids are a huge, though not only, focus of our conversations. The kids get along ok but are not best friends and are not in the same schools. I think her child has fewer friends and likes my child more than the other way around, but as I said, they get along fine when they are together. We've each always invited the other family to birthday parties. We've always had larger parties where it's not a big deal to invite a few more, but this year my kid wants to forego a traditional party and just do a small event with a couple of his closest buds. Normally I think if someone is not invited to something there is no need to mention it, but not sure here because my friend has gotten an invitation every year for over a decade now and vice versa.

Personally, I would be thrilled to not get an invite to yet another birthday party, but she's kind of sensitive and has anxiety and esteem issues (she knows this; she's working on it). She can be the sort of person who, if you don't text her back quickly, would think she must not be important to you, rather than you are just busy right then. I could see her (perhaps) taking it personally as an exclusion. Do I mention it?

[Anonymous]

You managed to diss both your friend and your friend's kid in the same opening. Why exactly are you friends again?

[Anonymous]

I would just tell your friend ahead of time that your kid isn't having a party this year and is having a small outing with a couple of his best friends instead. Hopefully she is reasonable and understands.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure what you mean by dissing them, but I didn't intend to give that impression. I love most things about my friend. I do find the anxiety/insecurity piece tough to navigate, which is why I'm writing, but it rarely comes up when it's just us. Her kids are fine, too, but our kids are not super close. Probably because they are interested in different things and are in different schools so have gravitated elsewhere. I assume her kid likes mine more only because she'll say that he wants to come play, but ours never says that.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see her? Monthly or less, yes I would mention it. Less frequently, then no.

[Anonymous]

You should call her and explain.

This is what my best friend did when she was not inviting my child to her child's birthday party. I was expecting an invite, so I appreciated the heads up and explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
You should call her and explain.

This is what my best friend did when she was not inviting my child to her child's birthday party. I was expecting an invite, so I appreciated the heads up and explanation.

This. This happened with my very close friend. We have kids the same age. They get along fine when they're together, but are in different schools, etc. We stopped inviting her kid to parties in about 1st grade? I mentioned to my friend that we were no longer doing the huge parties and my son was going to invite a few close friends for an activity. She totally got it. But I think it was the right thing to do to say something.

[Anonymous]

Eh, would it kill you to just keep on inviting this kid? I don't think so. It would be kind and generous.

[Anonymous]

Will you see her before the party? If so, it might be natural to bring it up then, when talking about the kids. Just let her know you're not doing a big party this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend and I became friends and bonded over our kids being similarly aged. The kids are a huge, though not only, focus of our conversations. The kids get along ok but are not best friends and are not in the same schools. I think her child has fewer friends and likes my child more than the other way around, but as I said, they get along fine when they are together. We've each always invited the other family to birthday parties. We've always had larger parties where it's not a big deal to invite a few more, but this year my kid wants to forego a traditional party and just do a small event with a couple of his closest buds. Normally I think if someone is not invited to something there is no need to mention it, but not sure here because my friend has gotten an invitation every year for over a decade now and vice versa.

Personally, I would be thrilled to not get an invite to yet another birthday party, but she's kind of sensitive and has anxiety and esteem issues (she knows this; she's working on it). She can be the sort of person who, if you don't text her back quickly, would think she must not be important to you, rather than you are just busy right then. I could see her (perhaps) taking it personally as an exclusion. Do I mention it?

Just do lunch and movie with both of them for bday. We have a few small bday events between different sets of friends and family. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely tell her. A friend in our group left out a few kids and it caused issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, would it kill you to just keep on inviting this kid? I don't think so. It would be kind and generous.

This is OP, and I've continued to invite over the years because it's kind, and hey, why not, right? What's one more kid at laser tag or the bowling alley or whatever. But this time, this child would not fit into our vehicle. She could drive her own child, there and back, but would he feel awkward about being the only one in a different car? My kid will want to ride with the best friends he invited. Also, it's such a small group and they are in the same school and play the same sport together and that's a lot of their conversation. Kids are not that great at being inclusive in their conversation, so I'd worry that this kid will feel like a third wheel and not know what the others are talking/laughing about. This time, it doesn't seem like it would be kind and generous to invite him.

Thanks for the responses; I will mention it. Hopefully it's not a big deal to her.

[Anonymous]

If the friend of mine and I talk a lot, like weekly, filling each other in on detailed plans we have, then yes you mention it. It's just one more thing you mention. You don't avoid mentioning it. "And Billy's birthday is Saturday. We're having a small party" ... on to the next topic. If she asks questions realize she might need some time to catch-up, to process. If the conversation is a little awkward it doesn't mean it's a big deal. People do need some time to process the information they just heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, would it kill you to just keep on inviting this kid? I don't think so. It would be kind and generous.

But OP's kid isn't having a traditional party this year. He just wants an outing with his BEST friends.

[Anonymous]

I'd say no, but if the topic comes up tell her he is taking his two best friends to the circus and that is it.

The kids are probably actually ok with it. friendships ebb and flow and my kids are actually more cool with not seeing their friends than I am (Why!Don't!You!Love!My!Child!). Right?