What would be best for this 16-yr old boy?

[Anonymous]

My husband has a 16-year-old son from a previous relationship. The son lives in my husband's native country, and my husband--though active in his life through daily phone/webcam calls, financial support, and visits once or twice a year--has not lived with him since he was 5. This has been difficult for my husband in ways I only began to understand after giving birth to our DD last year (she's our only child together). My DH just recently became a US citizen and applied for citizenship for his son, who has never even visited the US. DH obviously would love to have his son come and live with us, and the son seems eager to do so. However, I am a bit worried about how this would affect his education, social life, etc. He speaks very limited English and would be coming here for his senior year of high school. I'm concerned that he would fall behind in school, have difficulty making friends, etc. It's a difficult time of life anyway, without such a big transition. My DH thinks he would adjust quickly and that spending his senior year of high school here would be beneficial, helping him get into a US college and therefore have better opportunities (DH's native country is a developing one with limited job options, which is why he moved here in the first place). I know that both of our opinions are somewhat clouded by other things (my concern about him thriving in school may also be a reflection of my own misgivings about having him live with us, while my DH's optimism about it may just be a reflection of his excitement about being able to have his son in his home).

What do you think about the impact this move would have on a 16-year-old's educational and social development and future? He does pretty well in school now when he applies himself. He goes to a prettty good school. He is not involved in too many extra-curricular activities, other than with his church group.

[Anonymous]

What does his son think?

[Anonymous]

He should finish school at home, move in with you, and go to NOVA or the equivalent to learn English.

I used to teach High School, and we aren't doing kids any favors when we think they can learn everything (English, their subjects, cultural stuff...) all in a single year. He will fall behind in school. He will get frustrated. It may all work out, or he could end up with a "scraping by pity diploma" and be working at McDonalds next year.

[Anonymous]

What language does he speak? Would WIS work, it has programs in Spanish, French and Dutch.

[Anonymous]

OP, Could you have your stepson come for a few weeks (for a test-drive) in Dec, including Christmas time? The most critical gift here may be for him to experience having a bio Father. Try to kept your heart open. What an amazing gift this could be. Blessings to all.

[Anonymous]

I think the lack of language skills will be very challenging, not to mention the cultural shock coming from a developing country. How about a more long term plan like having him complete high school, continuing onto college and learning English while in college, before coming to the US? And then apply for graduate school here. A strong academic record and English skills, coupled with high test scores and being from a developing country will probably help him get into some of the best schools here.

[Anonymous]

If he is going to join your family no matter what, his best chance of meeting friends and adjusting is in high school. Even if he only has a year. Can you imagine the alternative? He arrives when he is 18, no English and no friends and starts an ESL program at NOVA? How depressing is that? I doubt that he will do well in school, however I think it would mean a lot socially for him, particularly as he looks to start a new life over here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies so far. DH's son does want to come here, but I think he's a little unsure of how it will be. We definitely want him to come for Christmas or whenever he can get a visa, so he can get a taste of what life would be like here. He has had a lot of freedom growing up. His mother has some psychological problems, and he lives with her and his grandmother. He is extremely independent and pretty outgoing. The language he speaks is not French, Spanish, or another fairly common one. On one hand, this might be good because he would be forced to learn English or not talk to anyone here. On the other hand, he might just not talk to anyone here. He has been taking English classes for the last couple of years, but you know how foreign language classes are in high school. We try to have conversations with him in English using the web cam, and he does okay with some of the basics, but he definitely would not be able to understand a math or science lesson in English or be able to read a novel and write an essay about it.

As far as being able to go to college here, I think it might be better for him to finish high school where he is, with good grades, and perhaps spending his remaining school vacations here. Then he could come here for a little while, focus on learning English, maybe get a part-time job, and then take the TOEFL and apply for college. Having been a good student and had lots of friends his whole life, I worry that if he came at the end of high school, it would be a huge shock to his system and could affect his self-esteem. On the other hand, as some PPs mentioned, the chance to live with his father and have that time together could totally outweigh all of that. I just don't know.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I think it's great that you are being so reflective about this, that you are really thinking about what's best for your husband's son. I agree with you about finishing school there and then coming to the States. Visiting during school visits would be great. Have any students from his current school attended college in the U.S.? Maybe he could study English intensively for one year, every day for several hours, that kind of intensity, and apply to U.S. colleges.

[Anonymous]

Some thoughts:
are there intense language english language immersion programs around dc where he can be enrolled this summer?
can he be red-shirted once he is enrolled in school in the US so that he would have 2 years of High School?

[Anonymous]

I had a friend who after graduating HS here in the US, went to live with relatives in a foreign country and attended high school there for a year before coming back to the US for college. I don't think she got any kind of diploma over there, but it was more for the experience. Could he do something like that? Finish up at home to get a diploma then enroll in the US?

Have you talked to anyone at the HS he would be attending? I can't imagine that they would expect him to graduate in only a year just because of his age.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I don't think anyone from his high school has gone to college in the US. It's a good school, but not "elite." We haven't talked to the high school here yet (Montgomery County) because we literally just found out that he might be able to get citizenship in time for the next school year. But that would be a good idea--to find out how they generally deal with other kids in this situation, whether he could graduate in 2 years instead of 1 (and if he would be open to that). Another PP mentioned doing college in his home country and then grad school here. I've thought of that too. He wants to study international relations, which is what my grad degree is in. There were many, many people in my grad program who did their undergrad in another country, and yes, their being from overseas was considered an advantage.

I do wonder whether it's fair to him or to teachers to put a kid with such limited English skills into an American high school (although I suppose this is what happens in a study abroad program). My own experience with high school was that most kids had already formed groups of friends before their senior year. As I mentioned, my stepson is pretty social and outgoing, and I think it would be tough on him to arrive here and not be able to make friends easily, and not be able to be as independent as he is used to.

Thanks again to all of you for your advice. I think we'll talk to the local high school (in Montgomery County) and get some more info.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Sorry, didn't mean to mention "Montgomery County" twice. I just thought I'd add that in case anyone is aware of English-intensive programs in MD. Also, I'm not sure what the residence requirements would be for NOVA programs.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I think not finishing school would be a mistake only because he'd leave with no credential. Plus, I do wonder why he's not pining to stay at his school. Most students that age are reluctant to switch schools and locations their last year. I would consider consulting an education consultant who does secondary / college consultations. Call around, you might find someone who specializes in foreign students.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I think that, after over 10 years of not living with his dad, his desire to be with him is stronger than his desire to stay at his school. Also, in his country, the chance to move to the U.S. is considered amazing, earth-shattering, the greatest thing that could ever happen to you. They are obsessed with American TV, movies, music, etc. So I do think he looks at this differently than would an American teenager whose parent is being transferred to another state for work or something.