"preferred parent" in same sex relationships

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering how others cope with being the non-preferred parent in same sex relationships. I'm the birth parent and my 2.5 year old daughter prefers my partner to me. I think we're both good parents; she just has a preference for my partner. For some reason, I think this would be easier on me if we were in a hetero relationship...but it's really hard that my kid vastly prefers her other mom for almost everything ("Mommy sit next to me, not momma!" "Mommy puts on my shoes, not you!") I make sure to spend quality one-on-one time with her (and I do so more often than my partner because of our work schedules), but nonetheless, she is just drawn to my partner as her primary connection.

Should we start to say things like "that's not nice" when she expresses a preference? Should we insist that I do things like put on her shoes, even when her preferred mom is available? Basically, I want to do whatever will lead me to a close relationship in the long run.

I'm doing my best not to burden my kid with my own hurt feelings (but they ARE hurt). I think this is made harder by the fact that most people perceive me as the gender-conforming birth mom...so lots of people make surprised comments about my kid preferring her other mom.

[Anonymous]

I suspect this is no different than a heterosexual couple in which that favoritism tends to vacillate. Today and for the next few weeks/months it might be "mommy." But then a year from now it might be "momma" (or "Daddy.")

The key is to suppress the instinct to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I am the non-birth mother to our two children - one is almost 5, the other is almost 5 months. From the start, the older child has preferred me. I think there may be a few reasons for this - he went to the NICU after he was born and because my wife had just given birth and was less mobile (and absolutely exhausted), I was with him a lot during his first few days. He easily took a pacifier so after she finished nursing him (for about the first year of his life), she'd hand him over to me and we'd go nap or hang out to let her rest. I am a teacher and so we had more time together in the afternoons/evenings because DW got home from work later. I usually dropped him at daycare in the morning so we spent more time together on that end as well.

With the 5 month old, I can already tell that he prefers her. Part of it is that he's a little fatty and loves to nurse. I think another big part of it is that he wasn't taken away after being born and didn't require a NICU stay, so he nursed immediately and bonded with DW immediately. I cannot take him away from her to let her rest and console him as I could with the older child.

As the older child has gotten older, he and DW definitely have their own special bond that has grown since she now works from home. I imagine that her bond with the younger child will continue to grow since he has been and will remain at home with her until he starts preschool at age 2/3.

I agree that you should try not to take it personally, and maybe try to carve out more "special time" for the two of you. Do you each spend equal amounts of time with the child? Do you both work? Perhaps that is a factor in all of this?

[Anonymous]

I think this is pretty common, and it really sucks when you're in it. My daughter had preferences for each of us at different phases. We always did "you get who you get" so if it was my night to do bedtime and my daughter wanted her other mom, I'd be sympathetic but I'd put her to bed. I'd just make sure you each spend time alone with your child, and do some fun, child-focused stuff during that time. In my experience it's gotten better as my kid has gotten older.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids VASTLY preferred my wife to me (I was the birth parent of both of our kids.) It was frustrating as hell (he WOULD NOT go to sleep for me, but you conk out as soon as she picked him up.) He is now a teenager and while I still think he relates to her more (they have similar personalities) it isn't as overt.

Our other son has always preferred me to my wife and as a tween still does. But he and I are very similar and I really "get" him (he has ADHD and anxiety which sometimes frustrates my wife.)

I used to say, "I know you love Mama. I love her too." It is hard not to take personally, but in reality it doesn't have anything to do with you per se. And the relationship you and your spouse have with your child will evolve and change over time. 2y-4y were the crux of the preferential treatment - after that, they certainly had a preferred parent but would let the other parent help with homework/getting ready/whatever.

Good luck!