Mother in law vent

[Anonymous]

For mother's day, DH and I took DD to go see MIL at her work. We took her some flowers and a small little gift and said hello. MIL spent the entire time complaining that she hadn't seen DD in her words "forever". She hadn't seen DD in a week and a half. MIL went out of town for the previous weekend and then I caught a stomach bug during the week. Which MIL would know if she ever bothered to pick up the phone on occasion. She was clearly only mad at me. All the jabs were at me. Every time DH would turn around MIL was pulling me aside asking why I don't bring her by and telling me that I needed to bring her over when I go to work. I have a toddler and I run my own company. DH is perfectly capable of taking DD to see MIL if he wanted. MIL is more than welcome to stop by the house any time. Which we've told her. She just tells us that it's our responsibility to take DD to her. We do when we can. MIL was also pissed that we weren't going to their Mother's Day dinner. They invited us less than 24 hours notice and SIL let is slip that they've had these plans for weeks. MIL always asks us last minute and then gets all huffy when we can't make it. We thought that we didn't have any formal plans so we made plans on our own. I try so hard with this woman and she hates me. It's just so frustrating.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying so hard then. She keeps nagging/getting pissy at you b/c she knows it produces a response/results. You've realized that nothing you do could appease her. So stop. Distance yourselves. You do have to be prepared for extra nastiness upfront, but it's like training a toddler, don't reward her bad behavior with your good effort.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying. Be polite, but firm. "Marge, we bring Larla to see you when we can. If you want to see her more often, we've made clear that you are welcome to stop by." "Marge, you'll need to talk to Bob about that." "Marge, you didn't invite us to dinner until the day before, and we already made plans. We're happy to see you, but we can't always make it on such short notice."

And finally, "Marge, I'm sorry you feel that way. We do our best." Over and over and over and over again. Don't give an inch, don't put yourself out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying so hard then. She keeps nagging/getting pissy at you b/c she knows it produces a response/results. You've realized that nothing you do could appease her. So stop. Distance yourselves. You do have to be prepared for extra nastiness upfront, but it's like training a toddler, don't reward her bad behavior with your good effort.

You're right. It probably wouldn't kill me to actually relax with that little bit of time I actually have not working instead of making sure I bend over backwards to make MIL happy. My own mom stops by to see DD or even pick DD up to take her to do something fun so that I can get work done. It's extremely helpful. DH has pointed out that I make more of an effort to take DD to see MIL and not my own mom. My own mom isn't as difficult so I don't work as hard. I do feel bad.

[Anonymous]

"Don't talk to me like this, MIL, you are being disrespectful. If you want to have a relationship with your grand children, stop expecting that your daughter-in-law do all the work. You have to make an effort too."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop trying. Be polite, but firm. "Marge, we bring Larla to see you when we can. If you want to see her more often, we've made clear that you are welcome to stop by." "Marge, you'll need to talk to Bob about that." "Marge, you didn't invite us to dinner until the day before, and we already made plans. We're happy to see you, but we can't always make it on such short notice."

And finally, "Marge, I'm sorry you feel that way. We do our best." Over and over and over and over again. Don't give an inch, don't put yourself out.

The above is great advice. I'd add one thing: direct her to talk to your DH about access to your DD. So when she says "why didn't you bring her by?" say "that's a great question for your son! Bob, your mom wants to talk to you." and then walk away.

[Anonymous]

Don't invest energy in a drama queen and don't feel guilty about it.

[Anonymous]

We are dealing with this right now. I’d been shouldering all the work to get DD to MIL, only wanting to please and completely ignoring the fact that MIL wasn’t even trying herself. But she was complaining. To my husband. To SIL. Finally, to me. Then pretending like she didn’t.

I’m just not doing it anymore. No planning, no driving, no taking. The door is always open to MIL to visit, if we don’t have plans, of course. I won’t hold DH or DD back from having a relationship, but I’m not in charge anymore. And I certainly won’t be taking her to MIL alone again, especially since all I got in return was complaining that it wasn’t good enough.

Expect a lot of pushback, even more complaining. It’s like a toddler having a tantrum. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Repeat. If you need to, add in, “Mary, my previous efforts in bringing Layla to you went unappreciated. You’re welcome to visit Larla at our home anytime.” Or just, “I’m sure Bob is planning something soon.”

Don’t be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

“You’ll have to talk with DH about that.”

Repeat often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
"Don't talk to me like this, MIL, you are being disrespectful. If you want to have a relationship with your grand children, stop expecting that your daughter-in-law do all the work. You have to make an effort too."

Do not say this. Terrible idea.

Instead, smile and say “You should talk to DH about that!” If she pulls you aside to complain, you immediately call DH over and say MIL wanted to talk to him. Do not engage. Do not explain. If she invites you to something last minute, say “we already have plans, Maybe next time!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Don't talk to me like this, MIL, you are being disrespectful. If you want to have a relationship with your grand children, stop expecting that your daughter-in-law do all the work. You have to make an effort too."

Do not say this. Terrible idea.

Instead, smile and say “You should talk to DH about that!” If she pulls you aside to complain, you immediately call DH over and say MIL wanted to talk to him. Do not engage. Do not explain. If she invites you to something last minute, say “we already have plans, Maybe next time!”

My dear. You all seem to be very young. At my age, I don't have time for back and forth that will not be understood. The sooner everyone understands, the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Don't talk to me like this, MIL, you are being disrespectful. If you want to have a relationship with your grand children, stop expecting that your daughter-in-law do all the work. You have to make an effort too."

Do not say this. Terrible idea.

Instead, smile and say “You should talk to DH about that!” If she pulls you aside to complain, you immediately call DH over and say MIL wanted to talk to him. Do not engage. Do not explain. If she invites you to something last minute, say “we already have plans, Maybe next time!”

My dear. You all seem to be very young. At my age, I don't have time for back and forth that will not be understood. The sooner everyone understands, the better.

Funny. I don’t have time or energy for endless drama.
YMMV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"Don't talk to me like this, MIL, you are being disrespectful. If you want to have a relationship with your grand children, stop expecting that your daughter-in-law do all the work. You have to make an effort too."

Do not say this. Terrible idea.

Instead, smile and say “You should talk to DH about that!” If she pulls you aside to complain, you immediately call DH over and say MIL wanted to talk to him. Do not engage. Do not explain. If she invites you to something last minute, say “we already have plans, Maybe next time!”

My dear. You all seem to be very young. At my age, I don't have time for back and forth that will not be understood. The sooner everyone understands, the better.

NP. What is unclear about “Talk to your son”? What about that would lead to back and forth?

[Anonymous]

I read these threads with popcorn. But I'm getting tired of the popcorn as the threads have become so repetitive and tiresome. What advice can be given that hasn't already been given a million times in just the last few weeks?

And, of course, as always we only ever get one side of the argument. We will never hear the MIL's perspective. But the one thing I've learned from both this forum and real life is that most of the complaints stem from the OP usually being completely and utterly inflexible towards different types of personalities.

Case 1: "I haven't seen you forever!" to a young grandchild sounds like typical grandma speak, even if she'd just seen the said grandchild a week ago.

Case 2: "why I don't bring her by and telling me that I needed to bring her over when I go to work" sounds like grandma offering free babysitting services.

Case 3: "MIL was also pissed that we weren't going to their Mother's Day dinner. They invited us less than 24 hours notice and SIL let is slip that they've had these plans for weeks. MIL always asks us last minute and then gets all huffy when we can't make it." Sounds like you have a distracted woman who frequently forgets to do things and plans lots of last minute things and last minute decisions (and many of them never get carried out). That's a personality type. Lots of cheerful, positive and happy people are like this. Maybe she gets huffy when you clearly get annoyed and feels offended and defensive.

Case 4: "We thought that we didn't have any formal plans so we made plans on our own." Ah. It's Mother's Day. No one bothered to call MIL in advance and suggest a dinner either? She's a mother, too!

So I can easily see how this is really just down to different personalities and MIL's personality, which can be quite innocent and well-meaning in its own way, grating on the OP who's probably an organized control freak. Just a different perspective.

Ok, time to make more popcorn.

[Anonymous]

The "stop by whenever you want" doesn't sound like a good idea, since you work from home. I think you and DH need to have a talk about a new strategy that makes her feel more included. Dal with her sniping separately.