I still don’t believe them

[Anonymous]

My brother and his wife had a second child, even though they do not have the means to raise/support the first child(let alone a second), and they claim it wasn’t a planned pregnancy. They expect the family to step up and provide free child care so they can work the same schedule and be off at the same time, they don’t bring supplies (food, milk, diapers, toys etc) when they drop the children off for free babysitting, they leave the kids for longer than the time agreed upon, they don’t supervise their kids when at family gatherings and other adults are around (leaving everyone else with the job of watching them so they don’t get hurt or destroy property), and their kids don’t listen/behave.

I am so annoyed at this situation. They are so entitled and unappreciative. And yes, it truly annoys me that they use the excuse that the second kid wasn’t planned. They deliberately had a second child. And the truth is, they ignore the second child, so why did they have it? I have stopped inviting them to my house because of the lack of supervision of their children when they come over. Other family members only have them over for the free babysitting, they aren’t invited to family gatherings anymore (most of us quit hosting them because we don’t want to invite this family). I guess this is a vent. I’m just so annoyed. Yes, I love my nephews, before anyone gets the wrong idea, but I’m annoyed by the lack of respect from the parents (and mostly how they say the second kid wasn’t planned!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and his wife had a second child, even though they do not have the means to raise/support the first child(let alone a second), and they claim it wasn’t a planned pregnancy. They expect the family to step up and provide free child care so they can work the same schedule and be off at the same time, they don’t bring supplies (food, milk, diapers, toys etc) when they drop the children off for free babysitting, they leave the kids for longer than the time agreed upon, they don’t supervise their kids when at family gatherings and other adults are around (leaving everyone else with the job of watching them so they don’t get hurt or destroy property), and their kids don’t listen/behave.

I am so annoyed at this situation. They are so entitled and unappreciative. And yes, it truly annoys me that they use the excuse that the second kid wasn’t planned. They deliberately had a second child. And the truth is, they ignore the second child, so why did they have it? I have stopped inviting them to my house because of the lack of supervision of their children when they come over. Other family members only have them over for the free babysitting, they aren’t invited to family gatherings anymore (most of us quit hosting them because we don’t want to invite this family). I guess this is a vent. I’m just so annoyed. Yes, I love my nephews, before anyone gets the wrong idea, but I’m annoyed by the lack of respect from the parents (and mostly how they say the second kid wasn’t planned!).

Why are you annoyed? Back away from the relationship and put up firm boundaries. If you suspect neglect or mistreatment, call CPS.

[Anonymous]

It kind of sounds like your family is only offering help if the child was unplanned, and this couple desperately needs help. What did you expect them to say?

[Anonymous]

Surely you see the irony in thinking someone who doesn’t look after their child is also going to look after their birth control, right?

Baby may not be as planned so much as a “good idea at the time”.

It sounds as through they have a great support network, and that usually doesn’t breed gratitude amongst people like this, insomuch as it breeds reliance.

Continue to set your ownclear, firm boundaries. Let other adults do the same.

Resentment gets you no where if you’re not the one being put out. This isn’t your fight to figure out. Do your part (the part that is your direct life path), and let the other chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

OP, you also don’t have to “believe” them. The baby is here now, and needs care.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post especially about the part of the parents wanting to be off at the same time. They would show up an hour late and not provide the basic necessities for the kids. They also did not take very good care of their kids at family events.

My sister was asking constantly for babysitting. She kept trying to lock our parents into a permanent schedule even though they were busy themselves and wanting to travel. When we stopped taking their calls we knew it was time for the come to jesus conversation.

We laid it all out there and told them we were DONE being taken advantage. If they could not afford childcare it was not our problem to solve. We gave them 2 weeks to fix their childcare situation. They were mad as hell but let me we tell you we were mad as hell too.

They found a solution. They were forced too. BIL took a shift working graveyard and guess what he got a nice raise. If there is any overlap we might pitch in with advance notice. Sister knows she better bring her kids to us prepared. The last time she did not we did not watch her kids for a month. At family events when their kids act up we tell them straight up to get their child to behave.

Sometimes you have to lay it all out there. Entitled people choose not to take polite hints. Treating them like children and giving them consequences is the only way.

[Anonymous]

You honestly sound very, very judgmental and kind of evil. They had a kid, none of your business, the fact that you are so enmeshed in your grown brother's life is more than telling. This behavior you have is very familiar to me, my Mom is like you. Except none of us made any even tiny remotely "wrong" decisions. She is the martyr, her sister is wrong, wrong, wrong, she isn't' speaking with her other sister. Most of my mom's complains about her sisters are valid, but she will never see that nobody gives a damn about her righteous opinion. As for you, who is making you watch your nephew? Who is making you do anything? Honestly, above all, this high strung, holier than God attitude is making you miserable. So, all this doing for brother, and judging brother is all your doing and they clearly don't care about your opinion, they use you because you would rather have them do that and feel "right" and martyred to yourself. Close your door and your emotions, so that maybe you can be a nicer person to your own nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

If they can't afford childcare, you could help them look into voucher programs for low income families so that they can get daycare set up.

[Anonymous]

OP, who cares what you "believe"? The fact is that they have a second child. You can choose to help them or you can choose to not help them but your feeling like you need to "believe" them to justify your choice is absurd. Honestly, they probably would be much better off without you around anyway if you're going to be so judgmental and domineering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post especially about the part of the parents wanting to be off at the same time. They would show up an hour late and not provide the basic necessities for the kids. They also did not take very good care of their kids at family events.

My sister was asking constantly for babysitting. She kept trying to lock our parents into a permanent schedule even though they were busy themselves and wanting to travel. When we stopped taking their calls we knew it was time for the come to jesus conversation.

We laid it all out there and told them we were DONE being taken advantage. If they could not afford childcare it was not our problem to solve. We gave them 2 weeks to fix their childcare situation. They were mad as hell but let me we tell you we were mad as hell too.

They found a solution. They were forced too. BIL took a shift working graveyard and guess what he got a nice raise. If there is any overlap we might pitch in with advance notice. Sister knows she better bring her kids to us prepared. The last time she did not we did not watch her kids for a month. At family events when their kids act up we tell them straight up to get their child to behave.

Sometimes you have to lay it all out there. Entitled people choose not to take polite hints. Treating them like children and giving them consequences is the only way.

This is what we need to do. My poor mother gets stuck taking care of them most of the time and they just demand more, more, more from her. It just pisses me off how selfish they are. And all of the excuses they make. There is no reason they can’t arrange their schedules to have one parent home with the children and one at work. They work retail. And neither of them work weekends.

The family gatherings have almost completely stopped unless it’s at a public place like a restaurant. Nobody will host them. Honestly it sucks because they are fun people, but I’m not up for watching their kids when they should be doing it. My children are much older and my children have boundaries and respect for other people and their property. Last time they were here the older kid wouldn’t listen to me and his parents just stood by and carried on their conversations.

They also claim that they can’t afford to pay for childcare, but make too much money to qualify for assistance. Always an excuse with them. I just worry that they will have a third unplanned pregnancy so they can get a girl next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post especially about the part of the parents wanting to be off at the same time. They would show up an hour late and not provide the basic necessities for the kids. They also did not take very good care of their kids at family events.

My sister was asking constantly for babysitting. She kept trying to lock our parents into a permanent schedule even though they were busy themselves and wanting to travel. When we stopped taking their calls we knew it was time for the come to jesus conversation.

We laid it all out there and told them we were DONE being taken advantage. If they could not afford childcare it was not our problem to solve. We gave them 2 weeks to fix their childcare situation. They were mad as hell but let me we tell you we were mad as hell too.

They found a solution. They were forced too. BIL took a shift working graveyard and guess what he got a nice raise. If there is any overlap we might pitch in with advance notice. Sister knows she better bring her kids to us prepared. The last time she did not we did not watch her kids for a month. At family events when their kids act up we tell them straight up to get their child to behave.

Sometimes you have to lay it all out there. Entitled people choose not to take polite hints. Treating them like children and giving them consequences is the only way.

This is what we need to do. My poor mother gets stuck taking care of them most of the time and they just demand more, more, more from her. It just pisses me off how selfish they are. And all of the excuses they make. There is no reason they can’t arrange their schedules to have one parent home with the children and one at work. They work retail. And neither of them work weekends.

The family gatherings have almost completely stopped unless it’s at a public place like a restaurant. Nobody will host them. Honestly it sucks because they are fun people, but I’m not up for watching their kids when they should be doing it. My children are much older and my children have boundaries and respect for other people and their property. Last time they were here the older kid wouldn’t listen to me and his parents just stood by and carried on their conversations.

They also claim that they can’t afford to pay for childcare, but make too much money to qualify for assistance. Always an excuse with them. I just worry that they will have a third unplanned pregnancy so they can get a girl next time.

I agree with your position on this issue, OP, but your mom can say no. She should.

[Anonymous]

Actually the "make too much but not enough" is a very real thing. It's very common in the retail/fast food industry. People judge those who don't work and live in public assistance, but they have no idea of the harsh reality of trying to make it work on the "just above" line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually the "make too much but not enough" is a very real thing. It's very common in the retail/fast food industry. People judge those who don't work and live in public assistance, but they have no idea of the harsh reality of trying to make it work on the "just above" line.

That’s one thing they say that I do believe, but that doesn’t change how I feel about the rest of their poor choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually the "make too much but not enough" is a very real thing. It's very common in the retail/fast food industry. People judge those who don't work and live in public assistance, but they have no idea of the harsh reality of trying to make it work on the "just above" line.

That’s one thing they say that I do believe, but that doesn’t change how I feel about the rest of their poor choices.

NP. So you are punishing their children because of what you believe are their parents poor choices. That doesn't seem fair or helpful. Those poor kids sound like they need someone in their corner fighting for them, not throwing water on them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kind of sounds like your family is only offering help if the child was unplanned, and this couple desperately needs help. What did you expect them to say?

No, their first child was planned. People offered to watch the first child because it was supposed to be the one and only (they were struggling when they planned that child, but everyone was understanding and wanting to help out). When the first one was a year old they announced baby number two was on the way, after swearing up and down there wouldn’t be a second child. Throughout the second pregnancy they were told to figure out childcare since nobody wanted to double the work/expense of providing child care for them. They basically ignored it and once baby 2 came, they just dropped them both off with no offers for compensation and no gratitude and no plans for changing anything.

They don’t “desperately” need help. They need to adjust their schedules so that one parent can be home to watch the children that they chose to bring into the world. So I expect them to be honest and admit that they had a second child because they are selfish and impulsive and wanted a second child, not that baby number 2 was unplanned.