Advice please - teenager job

[Anonymous]

My teenager just got her first job. She is supposed to work about 10 hours/week (split between 2 evenings and some time on Saturday). She worked her first couple of weeks okay, but has now taken a more "relaxed" attitude regarding her work. This week, she gave them a couple of days' notice that she could not work her first evening due to a social activity. She got off work early the second evening, and she said she would not be able to work on Saturday because of social commitments (2 days' notice). She claims that her employer is very easygoing, and that the work schedule is extremely flexible. However, we are very disappointed in her behavior, to say the least. We have lectured her on responsibility, and priorities. We have explained that work commitments should prevail over social commitments. She continues to think that we are just plain mean and that we don't understand how flexible the job is. I have always been responsible, so I am embarrassed to have a child who takes her commitments so lightly and think that she has shown herself to be very unreliable. DH and I are divided on how to handle this. I think that we should tell her that she can't go out socially because she has to learn that work comes before her social life. DH, however, believes that it is her job and that she should be allowed to do as she wishes... and if she loses the job, she will suffer the repercussions. Any thoughts? Are we at the point where we should let her handle herself and make her own mistakes?

[Anonymous]

What are the repercussions if she loses the job? Does she get an allowance anyway? Is she saving for something specific? Will you and your husband back down if push comes to shove about funding her extras?

[Anonymous]

OP here. She gets an allowance, but it is pretty small as compared to her peers. It used to be $15/week, but she was really difficult regarding contributing toward any household tasks (chores), so we finally eliminated that component because we were tired of arguing with her. We dropped her allowance to $5/week, and told her that she could earn the other $10 if she requested chores to do. She was only desperate enough to ask for chores one time. (She gets a lot of cash gifts from relatives for birthdays, holidays, etc.)

We have asked her to save for college (next September), so that she can pay for her books and spending cash. We have agreed to pay tuition and room and board in full. She seems to think she can just ask relatives (grandparents, etc) to provide her spending cash. Unfortunately, she probably can rely on them for that. She hasn't learned a lot of real budgeting lessons in her life.

[Anonymous]

My vote is to hold the standard high for her...it doesn't matter if her boss says it's a flexible job--you don't skip work to go out socially. If you allow those sorts of decisions to be made, you're setting a precendent for her to skip class in college, saying, "it doesn't matter, Mom...the professor is really laid back." No, you skip class=you fail/or you've not done your best. Excellence should be the standard, not whatever you can get without any consequences. In my opinion, it's a nice detail that the boss is flexible but you as the mom should hold your daughter to a standard that when she says she'll be somewhere at a certain time, she's there. Parenting is about character delvelopment, not training in seeing how much one can 'get away' with! I know I must sound rather harsh, but I'm a teacher and I've see way too much of this attitude allowed to continue in homes and then move right on out into the workworld. You daughter's next boss may not be so flexible, so why not learn the lessons of faithfulness to your word now?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for your response! We're on the same page... I think that we need to hold her to a higher standard. I hope I can convince DH of that. He also fears that she is learning bad lessons. Even if this job is truly so flexible as to permit her to make these last minute changes, then she is learning a bad lesson that is unlikely to be repeated in future jobs. He is afraid that she WON'T be fired, and therefore, won't learn that she needs to be responsible.

[Anonymous]

May I suggest you speak to your family about giving your daughter money? I know that they can do what they want and it's tempting to help her out, and there isn't much you can do about it once she's in college. However, I stongly urge you to speak with them if you are close enough to do so. Funding your daughter like that can undo all the work you and your DH are putting in to instilling values and work ethic in her and they are enabling her to slack off because she's never really been without anyone's support. Just my $0.02!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I agree about the money. I've spoken with my side of the family, and they agree with the financial lessons (and are doing their part not to spoil her). Unfortunately, DH's side of the family is not on board. His parents are older, and want to be generous with their grandchildren, so they feel like they have to give her an equal amount as the other grandchildren, in order to be "fair". I understand that they want to be fair, but it is really hard for us to instill any financial discipline when she has a constant influx of cash from other sources.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is behaving like a normal teenager with her first job. It bothers you because, as an adult, you can see that it isn't great work ethic. It's also one of the main reason employers don't like to hire teens. But I don't think there's much more you can do beyond what you already have. No matter how flexible the job is, at some point the employer will get annoyed and she will be the easiest to cut. I say this as someone who currently runs 4 stores and have very few teens for this reason. I've run across only a few in the last 10 years that have a great work ethic. It's just something they have or they don't, but if they don't, most will learn it over time. They have to, or they wouldn't be able to keep jobs as adults.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps I'm old fashioned, as were my parents. Just because people gave me money, it didn't mean I was allowed to freely spend it.

The horse may have left the barn, but it sounds like you need to work on restraint more generally with your daughter. Talk to the in-laws about other ways they can be generous right now.

There's nothing you can do about this job - its between her and her boss.

[Anonymous]

We went through this with DS last summer. What worked for us was to combine nagging with zero-ing out his allowance, so ALL spending money had to come from his job. We had already told the g-parents that extravagant cash gifts are not helpful in building a work ethic. Instead, we suggested that they give him money earmarked for college/grad school. I will say we were in an easier position than you are as his boss was a little tougher, but we also spoke to the boss and told him we appreciated his toughness. As the dad of 5 young adults/college-aged kids, he got it.

[Anonymous]

OP, was it your daughter's idea to get the job? How is she getting there/home? How is she doing in school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter is behaving like a normal teenager with her first job. It bothers you because, as an adult, you can see that it isn't great work ethic. It's also one of the main reason employers don't like to hire teens. But I don't think there's much more you can do beyond what you already have. No matter how flexible the job is, at some point the employer will get annoyed and she will be the easiest to cut. I say this as someone who currently runs 4 stores and have very few teens for this reason. I've run across only a few in the last 10 years that have a great work ethic. It's just something they have or they don't, but if they don't, most will learn it over time. They have to, or they wouldn't be able to keep jobs as adults.

I would not say this is normal. When I was a teenager, I went to work when I was scheduled and social activities had to occur around my work schedule. If I wanted time off, I swtiched shifts with someone, found someone to cover my shift or asked off in advance. I worked bc I wanted too and wanted the extra cash but it wasn't a necessity.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

14:18 - It was OUR idea that she get a job. We didn't think that she was responsible, generally, and we didn't want her sitting around the house all summer watching TV. She wasn't able to procure a job for the summer, probably due to her lackluster efforts. However, one job recently came through for this fall. She is doing well in school. She's smart. She just doesn't apply herself. She seems too interested in taking the "easy" way out of things.

I feel like I sound more like my parents everyday, in lamenting this next generation. As a teenager, I held a job that was over 30 hours/week. I virtually never missed a day, unless I was terribly ill. I also needed the cash to pay for my college. I guess that isn't a big concern for my daughter, and she has never felt a need to save money because her relatives have been so outrageously generous with her.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she's a high school senior. To me, at that age you should let them learn their own lessons as much as possible. It's hard to know what's really going on at work-- she could be acting entirely normally for a teenager. I tend to think it's sometimes a little harsh to expect high school students to have a fully developed work ethic about both school and parttime jobs, and you have to trust that you've instilled decent values in her that will come out in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Stay out of the job. The economy is in the toilet. Eventually she will get canned if she does not improve her work ethic. The key to her beginning to learn the lesson you want her to learn is to refrain from making excuses for her and rationalizing on her behalf. My sibling is an adult with a child and has not worked for more than a year at a time. Either quits jobs or gets fired from them and it is always someone else's fault. My parents are always right on the bandwagon backing up her (stupid) decisions to quit jobs because she doesn't like them.

If your in-laws want to be generous, suggest that they buy savings bonds for your daughter. Those are worthless for years, but they will be very helpful for her later on. School activities for senior year? Homecoming, prom, beach week, senior trips, etc. When she asks for money for a homecoming dress, limo, dinner, flowers, etc. Say, "No. We won't be paying for those extras. That is why you have a job." She will likely pitch a royal fit, but you will make your point.