marriage not in a good place, but not sure how to make things better

[Anonymous]

DH and I are married 7 years with two small kids. To be honest, we've lost a lot of the "spark" since having our first child, but things seem to be sliding downhill quickly this year. To be clear, I don't think he's cheating and I'm certainly not. We don't really even fight. There's just no warmth between us anymore. He is never affectionate with me and never wants to talk about anything, except that he is quick to criticize things I do. Once our kids are in bed, we eat dinner together maybe talking for a couple minutes about nothing, then sitting at our respective computers till I go to bed. Our sex life has dropped off a lot too.

I know we're not in a great place, but I don't how I can turn things around on my own. He just doesn't seem interested in me at all. I am definitely partially to blame, because much of this year my work has sucked up a lot of my time and energy and I wasn't very responsive to DH on the few occasions he tried to do something nice for me. Now he seems to be completely pulling back and I don't know how to get things back on track when he has no interest in anything I say or do.

Not sure what I should do now. Try marriage counseling, have more sex, give up? FWIW DH is a great dad and devoted to our kids. He's also very responsible with work and taking care of the house. It's just me that no longer interests him.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell him what you just told us

[Anonymous]

Not sure what’s happening with your marriage but, is it possible that your husband doesn’t feel appreciated by you? Maybe start there? When I am appreciative of my husband, our marriage is at its best. It’s easy to forget this simple fact.

[Anonymous]

00:11 is probably right. When was the last time you did something nice for him? Just little things like his laundry or charging his phone or whatever.

Read the "five love languages" book.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I posted earlier. I am thinking about you. Marriages have ups and downs as you already know. Having two young children is not easy, much of your time revolves around them. You said that you’re both working, and I bet you have busy social lives too, that doesn’t leave much time for yourselves or each other. I have a feeling your husband feels completely invisible / unimportant. I bet if you made a real effort to make him feel needed and appreciated, you would see an immediate change in him. I realize this sounds so silly, but really it could be as simple as this. There is no downside, and it costs nothing. Try it and let us know how it goes. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried being more affectionate with him or demonstrating more interest/appreciation in him?

[Anonymous]

I agree with telling him what you just told us. Also remember that things change after 7 years. Be prepared for anything when you talk. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Get off your computers before bed. And something that rhymes with banal.

[Anonymous]

When things are mediocre to bad and you try reaching out to your spouse with no real positive response, withdrawing in response is very natural. I know it happened for me with my wife. If she told me what you just posted, that would go a long way toward giving me an incentive to reach out more. (As it is, my feelings are along the lines of "can't win, why try?")

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to tell him what you just told us

+1
Acknowledge everything that happening, acknowledge and apologize for not being more receptive to the efforts he made. Tell him that you want to be closer, you want to do your part to improve things but you don't know where to start.

[Anonymous]

Can you talk to him about how you are feeling? I would seek out a counselor if you both agree, but you can always do counseling on your own. Marriage is so incredibly hard, yet rewarding. I believe you do love him, and just need to work on it. Marriage is sort of like a FT job, always needs to be maintained. Prayers to you!

[Anonymous]

I think you need to reach out to him more. At night try initiating sex, even if it's a blowjob. I also think you need to consider if you can model appreciation for him, rather than looking for him to start it up. So if he criticizes you, try not to come back at him. Try to let it go.

Spirals work both ways--the good kind of spiral and the negative kind of spiral. You want to get your spiral going the other direction. So thank him when he does something well. Brag him up to the kids. See if your spiral can reverse.

One more thing: having two little kids is very hard for everyone. I'd try to find some easy wins to get more time as a couple together: movie night? trading playdates with another couple? bringing a grandparent into the picture more routinely? kids nights out camps?

[Anonymous]

Fake it til you make it. Set up forced date nights. Make an effort to touch him - hugs when you leave the house, a hand on the leg when you're sitting next to each other, snuggle in bed before sleep. Use your words to let him know how much you appreciate what he does - you said he's a good husband and he should know you feel that way. Consider buying him something that would shows you're thinking of him - it doesn't have to be huge, but maybe tickets to a game if he's into baseball, etc. Talk about him nicely to the kids - when he does something around the house, mention that they're lucky to have such a great dad and you love him. A PP mentioned the five love languages - try to hit them all to make sure you're getting through to him. Those feelings were there at some point and it is possible to get them back, you just have to blow the cobwebs off them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When things are mediocre to bad and you try reaching out to your spouse with no real positive response, withdrawing in response is very natural. I know it happened for me with my wife. If she told me what you just posted, that would go a long way toward giving me an incentive to reach out more. (As it is, my feelings are along the lines of "can't win, why try?")

Same here. I’ve gotten past the why try to checked out. I don’t like feeling this way but it is what it is. Of course the last time we were intimate is was like “are you finished yet”? So I moved on.