Feeling down- birthday patry won't be well attended

[Anonymous]

So I am just feeling a bit sad for my 2nd grader today. He has ADHD/ ASD and so desperately wants to make friends. We are in a new school and I know 2nd grade is the year that many parties start being more exclusive. But he wanted a class birthday party, so we agreed and he has planned the pinata stuffing so that there are special squishies/ toys for each person in his class. He knows everyone's favorite color/ characters.

And I know from the RSVPs that most kids aren't coming. I've tried to explain that people are busy/ soccer is starting etc, but he is so hopeful that his friends will be there for him. I just dread when they won't. He is going to be so sad.

I know that I will help him reframe and focus on the kids that can be here. And we will focus on cultivating those friends/ parents with a high tolerance for quirky. But I am sad for him.

I am re-reading this story to help myself remember that "Holland" is lovely.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I think most of us get it. In a lot of ways I think birthday parties are the worst tradition ever.

A friend of mine only does parties for her kids for birthdays ending in 5 (none have special needs, but have several children); others do family-centered outings.

We started travelling; birthday kid gets to pick a destination, like NYC and plan what to do.

[Anonymous]

oh that sucks. Can you move the party to a Sunday afternoon nstead of a Saturday? So many kids do spring sports on Saturdays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oh that sucks. Can you move the party to a Sunday afternoon nstead of a Saturday? So many kids do spring sports on Saturdays.

I agree OP - any chance you could change the party time?

[Anonymous]

I hate this Holland crap. Please stop posting that: it’s so so so so so condescending.

[Anonymous]

I also have an ADHD quirky kid. I think 7 was the year he had a total melt down and we needed to remove him from the event.

A few things to consider. Is the date / time most important (sounds like a back yard event) or is attendance more important? If attendance matters, reschedule. Reach out to 5 friends who he wants there and talk to the parents. Talk about the importance of the transition year for your child and how your child considers their child a close friend. Ask what day / time might work better.

I typically do this out reach since my son only wants to invite 4 or 5 friends. I have at times expanded his guest list and at other times let it be.

[Anonymous]

I have found that second grade is when the activities really ramp up. My kids have activities both Sat and Sun and sometimes they last all day. We had a much lower "yield" than prior years for my son's 8th birthday on a Sunday morning for that reason.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, we are in an area where parties on Sunday interfere with church activities, so Saturday is the best day here. And this was the best day based on consults with other moms.

Thanks for the encouragement- I think we will start pushing for smaller, parties too. It is just so hard to move and make new friends on top of special needs.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry this is happening OP but hopefully your child won't notice the children not attending but will notice those who made it.
In 2nd grade I don't know many kids who would decline a party because a kid is "quirky." It is usually due to a conflict, like half the class being at the same sports event. You said you checked with some parents but did you check with those who are big in to sports?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate this Holland crap. Please stop posting that: it’s so so so so so condescending.

I thought the article was right on point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unfortunately, we are in an area where parties on Sunday interfere with church activities, so Saturday is the best day here. And this was the best day based on consults with other moms.

Thanks for the encouragement- I think we will start pushing for smaller, parties too. It is just so hard to move and make new friends on top of special needs.

In No. Va, parties on Saturdays could end up clashing with sports games. I wouldn't move the party date! Then you'll annoy the people that did plan to attend.

[Anonymous]

Can you celebrate at school? Bring cupcakes and the goodies bags, that way everyone will be there. I know it's not the same, but at least everyone he wants to be there, will be in the same place. Just an idea.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. We are going through the same thing with our K son with ADHD. We had the party at a venue and less than half the class came, but he still had fun. I think in future years we will try to plan a special outing or trip. But he really really craves friends and wants to include everyone. It is totally heartbreaking.

[Anonymous]

Can you pad the party with some relatives, kids of your friends, or neighbor kids?

[Anonymous]

Just to give a spark of hope. Many people forget to RSVP kids' birthday parties.