Step-siblings, after stepparent passes away

[Anonymous]

My mom passed away when I was in my early 20s. When I was about 30, my dad remarried a very nice woman, who was divorced. She has two kids, who are 8-10 years younger than me- they were in college/just graduating when our parents married. I wouldn't say we are close, but I care about them, and enjoy seeing them at family events.

Their father passed away ~4 years ago.

My stepmother passed away shortly after being diagnosed with lung cancer this spring (diagnosed 1st week in Feb, died 1st week in March). This was a big surprise to everyone. Other than a "cold that wouldn't go away" from Thanksgiving on, my stepmother was always healthy and active.

My dad on the other hand, is going to be 80 in a few months and is clearly slowing down.

We're just barely past the funeral and paperwork and getting back to life, so my dad, my step-siblings and I have spent a lot of time together lately.

What sort of relationship should I expect between my dad and my step-siblings going forward? (I'm planning to directly ask them how they want to be involved going forward, but also want some idea of what to expect.)


Here's the real question:

When my dad married my stepmom, she moved into the house I grew up in. My dad still lives there. Once they married, they started a Christmas tradition of taking a trip, just the two of them every other year (when my step-siblings spent Christmas with their father). On alternate years, we all had Christmas at their house, but they, rightfully so, established new Christmas traditions. All of my mom's Christmas stuff is still packed away in the basement.

I expect this will be our last Christmas in my childhood home- we will likely look to move my dad to an assisted living situation- or at least someplace with no stairs and less need to drive.

I want to have one last Christmas hoorah with my mom's decorations and our childhood traditions. I would love for my kids to experience that. My kids are teens, but I think I could get them into it.

I would definitely invite my step-siblings, but is it awful to change the tradition and go back to my mom's stuff for our last Christmas in the house? Or even mix in a lot of my Mom's stuff/traditions and try to compromise?

Should I even expect they would want to go to Christmas with their stepfather, without their mother there? Or invite them to dinner, and not expect they will be there for the whole shindig?

Anyone have any relevant experience or thoughts?

[Anonymous]

So both their father and their mother has died? Do they have a stepmother or is your father their only family?

Unless they have a stepmother that they are close with and are likely to spend Christmas with, there’s no way you can switch out the decorations.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you just mix the decorations?

[Anonymous]

Is next year the year that they are normally with you or a year that your parents would normally be on a trip? If the former, I would wait until the end of the summer and just ask your step siblings what they would like to do. If they come, I think you might want to make this Christmas about celebrating in the house once more, not specifically about your mom’s decorations. But, you could spend some time with your kids going through your mom’s decorations and deciding what to keep and take to your house for the following year.

[Anonymous]

This is your dad's decision - not yours or the step siblings as it is his house.

[Anonymous]

I would invite the step-siblings, mix up the decorations... even if it means putting out more stuff than you normally would. That way everyone gets one last hurrah with the holiday items they associate with 'mom'

Also, the step siblings may want to take home some of the decorations their mom selected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your dad's decision - not yours or the step siblings as it is his house.

How many 80 year-old men do you know? He is not going to take the lead on Christmas decorations.

[Anonymous]

Why not bring decorations up to your house and host?

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe this is what you’ve come up with after so many years. Let it go. You can do your own Xmas at your own place and invite anyone you please. How can you expect your father to enjoy a Xmas blast from the past when his wife just died?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the replies- I needed some outside perspective.

FWIW- one step-sibling is married (no kids) and the other has a serious girlfriend, so they may well decide to spend the holidays with their in-laws. But it sounds like it's reasonable that they may want to spend Christmas (or part of it) at the house/with my dad, too, so I need to make that a good option for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Invite them but don't have any pressure or expectations of their attending.

The decorating is hardly an issue, but hopefully your father offered them to take any sentimental Christmas ornaments or the like.

[Anonymous]

Mix them up

[Anonymous]

I understand that you want your kids to experience the same Christmas that you did growing up. And I am sorry that your mom passed before your kids were able to have that experience. However, your father just lost his wife, step-siblings lost their mother, and your children lost the woman that has been that grandmother figure in their lives. This first Christmas should be about those traditions that were developed with her.

Can you go through your Mom's decorations and take the ones the sentimental ones to your house?

[Anonymous]

Can you ask your step-siblings how they'd feel about it?

[Anonymous]

I would mix the decorations (I think it would be pretty bad if you switched out *all* of the ones they were used to) and extend the invite to your step siblings with no pressure for them to attend.