Grandma thinks it’s her right

[Anonymous]

How do I deal with a mom who believes overnight visits with her grandchildren is a right? Our children have a local grandma who we see often; about twice a month if not more. But inevitably, it’s never good enough and she isn’t satiated unless she has overnight visits. The problem is that our child isn’t the biggest fan. To counter this, we offer up suggestions for them to do things one-on-one like bowling, a trip to the ice cream shop, the park; but she still isn’t satisfied and just isn’t interested in doing things like this. She confronted me and asked why we limit overnight visits so much, and I finally told her the other day that it’s not that that we limit them, but that they just don’t like staying that often. It got ugly and I was then guilt tripped (and maybe even gaslighted, I know everyone hates thy term, sorry) about how they only had one overnight visit in 2017, which I know isn’t true because my husband recalls at least three times he picked them up over the summer and helped my dad with various things when there.

How, if there is even a way, do I get it through my mom’s head that she’s welcome to visit the kids anytime, but that they have zero right to overnights and our children are under no obligation to spend the night at their house?

[Anonymous]

Is this your mom? If mil your dh should handle.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, you are welcome to visit the kids anytime. We love that you spend time with them. But Larla doesn't really like sleeping away from home, and we aren't going to force her."

And when she guilt-trips you and complains, you say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way. But that's what we're doing now." And end the conversation.

Repeat ad nauseam.

You're not going to change her mind, because she doesn't want to have her mind changed. But you can demonstrate that you aren't going to change yours.

[Anonymous]

You just have to be consistent and change the subject or end the conversation. Just tell her you do not want the kids to have overnights, when she complains say I am sorry you feel that way but that is our decision and we would love to have you spend time other ways. If she gets upset leave or end the call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you are welcome to visit the kids anytime. We love that you spend time with them. But Larla doesn't really like sleeping away from home, and we aren't going to force her."

And when she guilt-trips you and complains, you say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way. But that's what we're doing now." And end the conversation.

Repeat ad nauseam.

You're not going to change her mind, because she doesn't want to have her mind changed. But you can demonstrate that you aren't going to change yours.

+1 I finally learned after YEARS that my mother took engagement in her obnoxiousness as an opening for negotiation. Short "not gonna happen" responses or ignoring her whining was/is the only thing that works. Do not engage any more than absolutely necessary.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. That is what we will have to do! It’s so frustrating, she’s irrationally stuck on these overnight visits. We could spend ALL DAY with her doing this or that, but it’s like she just can’t help herself and say, well, when can they spend the night? It’s exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Would it be possible for Grandma to stay the night at your house?

Maybe it's the hanging out at night watching movies and making breakfast in the morning that she really treasures.

I was a kid who hated staying at other people's houses, so I totally get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would it be possible for Grandma to stay the night at your house?

Maybe it's the hanging out at night watching movies and making breakfast in the morning that she really treasures.

I was a kid who hated staying at other people's houses, so I totally get that.

No, we could make it work, and she wouldn’t anyway. We’ve offered before, but she refuses to stay anywhere but home. She even drove home in a snowstorm once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom, you are welcome to visit the kids anytime. We love that you spend time with them. But Larla doesn't really like sleeping away from home, and we aren't going to force her."

And when she guilt-trips you and complains, you say, "I'm sorry that you feel that way. But that's what we're doing now." And end the conversation.

Repeat ad nauseam.

You're not going to change her mind, because she doesn't want to have her mind changed. But you can demonstrate that you aren't going to change yours.

+1000

Also I would add that I am very close to my grandparents and can count on one hand the number of times I stayed overnight at their house when I was a child. Overnights are not necessary to build a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Why is it SO important to her? Does she want you to force your kids to do it, even if they don’t like it? I agree with the suggestion that she stay at your place. Otherwise, tell her no and maybe in a few years but for now just no.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her why she is so fixated on overnight visits vs. daytime events? If she refuses to stay anywhere but home, it seems like an easy counter to say "Larla is just like you! She only sleeps in her own bed!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her why she is so fixated on overnight visits vs. daytime events? If she refuses to stay anywhere but home, it seems like an easy counter to say "Larla is just like you! She only sleeps in her own bed!"

She just says she likes having them there to herself. I think it’s maybe a little control? Because she could visit all day with them doing things with them to have them to herself. She just hates that she has to bring them back home. I also believe she doesn’t care in the least that they don’t want to stay the night, which is also why I feel she just wants control.

[Anonymous]

I went through this and in the end, I just had to become comfortable being the bad guy, so to speak, in the situation. I just said no. Of course, she equated "Timmy doesn't like sleepovers" to "Timmy doesn't like you" but quickly got over it after some stewing.

My kid didn't like sleeping at other places because he couldn't fall asleep. It was a weird quirk he had since he was a baby. When we'd travel for vacation, the first night he got pretty much no sleep, the next night he'd get restless sleep, and then by night three he was kind of getting normal sleep. It made for exhausting, NOT relaxing vacations.

The same was true for sleepovers when he was older. He'd go to a friend's house and get no sleep. It wasn't a fear of a new space or a fear of the dark situation, either. He just couldn't become settled and would be awake all night, which would lead to him wanting to take an extra long nap the next day at home and threw off his sleep schedule.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your child. Try and find out what bothers your child, sleeping away from home or spending the night with Grandma. If the former, ask if she would be willing to stay home with Grandma while you and Daddy go away for a day. If her reluctance is not being home and sleeping in her own bed, then maybe you and your husband can go for a mini-vacation without kids. Have grandma come over on Saturday morning and you two go away somewhere close, maybe a bed and breakfast a couple of hours away, and come back on Sunday. There are some B&B's near wineries. Maybe schedule for a wine festival or a concert you want to go to. Find somewhere nice to stay for one night and have Grandma come and stay with the kids alone at your house. Might be good for you and your husband too to get a break from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her why she is so fixated on overnight visits vs. daytime events? If she refuses to stay anywhere but home, it seems like an easy counter to say "Larla is just like you! She only sleeps in her own bed!"

For my mom, it turned out to be a grandma competitiveness, one of her friends was doing it so she had to too. That competitiveness continues to ramp up, if anyone she know does anything with their grandkids that my mother sees as upping her, she becomes obsessed with the doing the same thing with my kids regardless of whether or not they are interested.