Question about marriages of 20+ years that end

[Anonymous]

It's one thing for a marriage not to survive the early years, but for a long-term situation, how does someone move on when another person was in their life for such a long period of time? Can you ever really do it?

[Anonymous]

If you are an empty nester with a career you make the career your priority while you slowly regain your social footing. If I hadn't had a career I might have well been lost.

[Anonymous]

The person who leaves does fine... They almost always, always leave because they want to have sex with someone else. If things work out with that person, they don't give their spouse a second thought.

My marriage ended after 17 years, but we were together about 3 years before getting married. I'm not gonna lie, it was devastating. I had to just completely cut off all contact, except for what was absolutely necessary for the kids. He is basically dead to me, and honestly, my husband really is gone... This madoesnt even resemble my husband. sometimes I do miss my husband terribly, but he's gone. I almost wonder if he was ever really who I thought he was.

In his case, his affair partner went back to her husband. I have no idea what my ex thinks or feels. I can tell you he looks terrible, has gained at least 40 lbs, and looks generally unkempt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person who leaves does fine... They almost always, always leave because they want to have sex with someone else. If things work out with that person, they don't give their spouse a second thought.

My marriage ended after 17 years, but we were together about 3 years before getting married. I'm not gonna lie, it was devastating. I had to just completely cut off all contact, except for what was absolutely necessary for the kids. He is basically dead to me, and honestly, my husband really is gone... This madoesnt even resemble my husband. sometimes I do miss my husband terribly, but he's gone. I almost wonder if he was ever really who I thought he was.

In his case, his affair partner went back to her husband. I have no idea what my ex thinks or feels. I can tell you he looks terrible, has gained at least 40 lbs, and looks generally unkempt.

+1 but the other way around. My wife left me for the neighbor. My kids have a hard time trying to have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who leaves does fine... They almost always, always leave because they want to have sex with someone else. If things work out with that person, they don't give their spouse a second thought.

My marriage ended after 17 years, but we were together about 3 years before getting married. I'm not gonna lie, it was devastating. I had to just completely cut off all contact, except for what was absolutely necessary for the kids. He is basically dead to me, and honestly, my husband really is gone... This madoesnt even resemble my husband. sometimes I do miss my husband terribly, but he's gone. I almost wonder if he was ever really who I thought he was.

In his case, his affair partner went back to her husband. I have no idea what my ex thinks or feels. I can tell you he looks terrible, has gained at least 40 lbs, and looks generally unkempt.

+1 but the other way around. My wife left me for the neighbor. My kids have a hard time trying to have a relationship with her.

A very good friend of mine's wife left him for a neighbor - a female. He was dumbstruck given they had a pretty good marriage and still had an active sex life though she had been depressed for a few years. He and his HS age kids were devastated. His ex moved out of the area and has very little contact with the children. It's been almost three years and he is rebuilding his life. It took him awhile to realize there wasn't much he could have done.

[Anonymous]

My in laws divorced after 30+ years. MIL blindsided us all when she just up and left one day. My FIL was devastated. He tried and tried to change her mind, but to no avail. She began dating other men before they even had a formal separation agreement. It was all very ugly.

[Anonymous]

I have a good friend who just finalized a divorce after 19 years. They have a 14 year old and a 12 year old. They've been together for almost 25 years (met during college).

The reality is they were very different people. The husband is in the armed forces and the wife became a stay at home mom once they had kids. He's more into routine, structure, etc. She's more into free for all, do whatever comes to you each day. After a while they had nothing in common. They grew apart. They wanted to raise the kids differently, they wanted different vacations, they wanted different ways of living at home.

In VA you have to be separated for one year before filing for divorce. After a year they did it. The kids live with her (large house) and he just bought a condo nearby (as in within 5 minutes). He seems them regularly.

I circle back to this saying: "Thing change".

[Anonymous]

Things change..... but there is also such a thing as responsibility and commitment especially when kids are involved. It is very, very easy to grow apart during these hectic kid years, but it is also completely possible to reconnect and revive that spark with some time and effort. But honestly, most people don't want to bother. One spouse checks out, and it takes two to make it work.

Things change... but seriously. It doesn't just happen to you. You have a choice and free agency to shape your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Divorced after almost 25 years. We both moved on fairly easily. The marriage had been declining for a few years and by the time we split up we were basically living separate lives. We had detached already and were merely maintaining a semblance of family life for the kids. As a PP said, things change. We were young when we met. There has been a lot since then. Career changes , parenting, moves, aging ... we are different people now and drifted apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's one thing for a marriage not to survive the early years, but for a long-term situation, how does someone move on when another person was in their life for such a long period of time? Can you ever really do it?

Ugh. I have a friend who I believe this is going to happen to as soon as their son graduates high school. He'll be a senior. Everyone can see it but her and I think it is going to absolutely destroy her. Her entire identity is her life as an attorney's wife and her boys' mom. She wears being married 20 years like a badge.

He has one foot out the door.

Has anyone helped a friend through this? I'm not about to talk to her about this now, but you know, if it does happen.

[Anonymous]

My parents split after nearly 30 years of marriage when I was 25. I don't ever remember them being happy married, and while they were in a somewhat peaceful coexistence by then, my dad decided to shake things up and have an affair. He's since admitted it was a mistake, and he far and away has suffered more than my mom has. Neither are remarried (both early 70s now, were mid-50s when they divorced) though they've had various partners. They're also still very much co-parents and -grandparents, the former because my sister is a disaster.

So, while they've moved on, in some ways they haven't. It was for the best for my mom.

[Anonymous]

I have many friends married with kids. Myself included. The biggest thing is growth together or apart. That's the key to being happy or not.

See, most people change as they grow older. Then they change even more when they have kids. Now, if the wife and husband both are on the same page as they grow older and change then they're usually happy. But, when they change differently (or don't change at all) as they grow older issues arise.

Some people don't want to change, but it's inevitable. Kids changes lives. As you get older you look as finances, houses, school, etc all very different. If both spouses aren't on the same page it cam become a serious issue.