How to improve relationship with SIL?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure if I’m being overly-sensitive, but I feel like my SIL deliberately leaves me out from conversations. I’m the one in our family who does all the purchasing of birthday gifts, remembering important events, etc.

I recently bought my nephew a present for his birthday. DH commented while my nephew was unwrapping the gift how it was hard to find the gift because it was sold out. The card was in my handwriting.

SIL called DH the next day to say thank you “Oh thank you Uncle Larlo! DS loves his gift.” DH says “actually I didn’t have anything to do with it, it was all DW.” SIL just says “oh, well tell her we say thank you.” She never contacted me afterwards. DH was a little put off by it.

I texted her what time dinner was scheduled (at her house!), and if we should bring a dessert, and she just responded “Larlo and MIL already talked, so just ask him?” I was just asking her what time the dinner was scheduled for. I asked DH and he said he couldn’t remember if he had promised to bring something, hence why I was asking SIL.

They have a very tight-knit family and I always feel like I’m on the outside. I would like to have a good relationship with my IL’s, my idea is just that we can communicate with each other. I’ve asked my DH why his sister won’t talk to me directly and he just said “I don’t know, she can be weird like that.” Do I just let it go?

[Anonymous]

Yes, just let it go.

If you are truly coming from a kind place and handling things appropriately and she still acts that way it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Let it go so it doesn't affect your relationship with DH or DH relationship with his family.

I really wanted to be close to SIL and we just aren't. We live on opposite sides of the country which doesn't help. It bothered me a lot in the beginning because I felt like I was really trying and being rejected. It took awhile but it doesn't bother me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just let it go.

If you are truly coming from a kind place and handling things appropriately and she still acts that way it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Let it go so it doesn't affect your relationship with DH or DH relationship with his family.

I really wanted to be close to SIL and we just aren't. We live on opposite sides of the country which doesn't help. It bothered me a lot in the beginning because I felt like I was really trying and being rejected. It took awhile but it doesn't bother me anymore.

Thank you.

If you don’t mind me asking, how are your relationships with your other ILs?

[Anonymous]

She has made it clear that she communicates primarily with her brother for matters regarding your nuclear family.

That's an absolutely fine choice, and not one you should take personally.

[Anonymous]

Yes, just let it go as someone else said. I have 2 SILs and am close with neither of them. We're cordial and don't hate each other so that's all that matters. If this were a FIL/MIL situation I'd put more effort into it, but SIL/BIL...don't care! We all have kids too, and the kids get along so that's all that matters to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She has made it clear that she communicates primarily with her brother for matters regarding your nuclear family.

That's an absolutely fine choice, and not one you should take personally.

+1
If someone called my husband to thank us for a gift we gave, I would think it was really strange if they called me separately. It's a little odd that she wouldn't tell you what time the dinner was, but it's not a snub. I mean, your husband should have remembered what time dinner was and what he volunteered to bring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure if I’m being overly-sensitive, but I feel like my SIL deliberately leaves me out from conversations. I’m the one in our family who does all the purchasing of birthday gifts, remembering important events, etc.

I recently bought my nephew a present for his birthday. DH commented while my nephew was unwrapping the gift how it was hard to find the gift because it was sold out. The card was in my handwriting.

SIL called DH the next day to say thank you “Oh thank you Uncle Larlo! DS loves his gift.” DH says “actually I didn’t have anything to do with it, it was all DW.” SIL just says “oh, well tell her we say thank you.” She never contacted me afterwards. DH was a little put off by it.

I texted her what time dinner was scheduled (at her house!), and if we should bring a dessert, and she just responded “Larlo and MIL already talked, so just ask him?” I was just asking her what time the dinner was scheduled for. I asked DH and he said he couldn’t remember if he had promised to bring something, hence why I was asking SIL.

They have a very tight-knit family and I always feel like I’m on the outside. I would like to have a good relationship with my IL’s, my idea is just that we can communicate with each other. I’ve asked my DH why his sister won’t talk to me directly and he just said “I don’t know, she can be weird like that.” Do I just let it go?

Did you mention he could not remember? I guess I would have DH contact her and ask again. Ideally he would ask her why she would not just answer you. I don't think there is anything YOU can do to improve things. I think DH would have to talk with her about being rude to his wife upsetting him.

[Anonymous]

Op here,

Then I’m just going to let it go and stop making the effort for their side of the family. DH can remember birthdays, dishes to bring to dinner, and the communication. If he forgets something, it’s not my fault.

I thought I was doing something wrong, I wanted to make the effort but I think I’m just over trying. They’re his family, not mine.

Pps, thank you for the responses.

[Anonymous]

Telling her brother to thank you is perfectly fine.

Not answering a direct question is rude, however. When several people are a play in a conversation, I usually reply: "Dan told me he was thinking of X for dessert. Dinner is at 6pm." That's a better way of referring to a third party for confirmation.

So, yes. It seems as if your SIL is hovering close to the line. The question is, is it deliberate or not?

[Anonymous]

Let it go and don't overthink it. Your husband should be the main point person for his family. You can certainly ask, "Hey, your mom's birthday is in two weeks; what are you sending?" or offer to buy something if you see a scarf you think SIL would like, but if he's the main doer/communicator, you'll be less likely to be in a position of getting hurt.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. Be polite but also don't put in extra effort for gifts, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just let it go.

If you are truly coming from a kind place and handling things appropriately and she still acts that way it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Let it go so it doesn't affect your relationship with DH or DH relationship with his family.

I really wanted to be close to SIL and we just aren't. We live on opposite sides of the country which doesn't help. It bothered me a lot in the beginning because I felt like I was really trying and being rejected. It took awhile but it doesn't bother me anymore.

This. Your husband recognizes it is her, not you, so harping on it won't change anything.

You could try asking him when she contacts him with logistics to tell her to contact you but that seems likely. Much more likely is that you ask him to tell her to follow-up with a text with the details (saying that it is so he doesn't forget) and then he can simply forward the text.

You can't change her and force her to act they way you want so just try to go with the flow. Don't let her weirdness cause you to lose your cool and antagonize her because then she'll have something she feels justifies her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, just let it go.

If you are truly coming from a kind place and handling things appropriately and she still acts that way it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Let it go so it doesn't affect your relationship with DH or DH relationship with his family.

I really wanted to be close to SIL and we just aren't. We live on opposite sides of the country which doesn't help. It bothered me a lot in the beginning because I felt like I was really trying and being rejected. It took awhile but it doesn't bother me anymore.

This. Your husband recognizes it is her, not you, so harping on it won't change anything.

You could try asking him when she contacts him with logistics to tell her to contact you but that seems likely. Much more likely is that you ask him to tell her to follow-up with a text with the details (saying that it is so he doesn't forget) and then he can simply forward the text.

You can't change her and force her to act they way you want so just try to go with the flow. Don't let her weirdness cause you to lose your cool and antagonize her because then she'll have something she feels justifies her actions.

*unlikely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure if I’m being overly-sensitive, but I feel like my SIL deliberately leaves me out from conversations. I’m the one in our family who does all the purchasing of birthday gifts, remembering important events, etc.

I recently bought my nephew a present for his birthday. DH commented while my nephew was unwrapping the gift how it was hard to find the gift because it was sold out. The card was in my handwriting.

SIL called DH the next day to say thank you “Oh thank you Uncle Larlo! DS loves his gift.” DH says “actually I didn’t have anything to do with it, it was all DW.” SIL just says “oh, well tell her we say thank you.” She never contacted me afterwards. DH was a little put off by it.

I texted her what time dinner was scheduled (at her house!), and if we should bring a dessert, and she just responded “Larlo and MIL already talked, so just ask him?” I was just asking her what time the dinner was scheduled for. I asked DH and he said he couldn’t remember if he had promised to bring something, hence why I was asking SIL.

They have a very tight-knit family and I always feel like I’m on the outside. I would like to have a good relationship with my IL’s, my idea is just that we can communicate with each other. I’ve asked my DH why his sister won’t talk to me directly and he just said “I don’t know, she can be weird like that.” Do I just let it go?

You honestly sound like the kind of person who gets “a little put off” by things fairly often.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop going, let him take the kids and enjoy your night on your own.