Anyone have an experience like this?
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Anonymous
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My husband and I are young. Got married when we were 23, I'm now 30. Have a 3 year old. We have the 'perfect' marriage, about as perfect as they come. We never fight, we are supportive of each other, my husband is the most amazing, loving, and caring partner, friend, spouse, and father. Money is good. Life is pretty much perfect except about 3 years ago my husband's physical health started declining.
We weren't aware of how far it would go but in the past 6 months he's had 3 surgeries - 2 complete hip reconstructions and 1 back surgery. There is the potential of another back surgery down the road. My husband cannot do anything physically for our child. When DC was born, he couldn't lift her out of the crib, he never did a night feeding or really any feeding for that matter. He has never done a bath time on his own and may be has put her to bed about 10 times on his own in 3 years. I essentially cannot leave my DC alone with him without someone else being with them. I can't even go out when she is asleep to even grab groceries because if she wakes up he can't pick her up. Let me be clear, this is not because he doesn't want to, but because he physically can't. He is in constant pain. I am overwhelmed and sad. I know this is not what either of us thought life would be like right now. We both thought we'd have 2 maybe 3 kids. I know he wants another but I just can't imagine what it would be like for me. He is completely sympathetic to the stress on me. We feel for eachother. I also don't want to have kids really far apart. I really don't know what to do, I feel a bit 'stuck'. Anyone have any advice? |
Anonymous
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Your child is 3 years, not 3 months. Move her to a toddler bed, and she doesn't need to be picked up. In general, by now your three-year-old knows that her daddy can't lift her up. I am not trying to be obnoxious, I just truly don't see why your DH can't do things like feed her. Is he in so much pain that he can't lift a spoon? Do you assume your daughter needs to be lifted into a chair? Because again, at age 3 a kid can sit independently, eat independently, etc. So either the problem with your husband's disability is worse than you make it seem, or you are attributing his inability to care for DD to his disability, whereas something else is going on.
It does seem that if the problem is your DH's health, and it's going to improve post-surgery, you should hold off on having more kids. Imagine what would happen if this thing happened to you, rather than DH. Would it be your fault? If, however, you just got into this dynamic of him being helpless, then you need to work on that. (I don't have any experience dealing with this specific issue, but I do have two kids who were three not so long ago.) |
Anonymous
| What is his diagnosis? Are you seeking second and third opinions on whether all these surgeries are necessary? |
Anonymous
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Why did he need these invasive procedures, OP? it is highly unusual in one so young. Physical therapy can work miracles: my 80 year old MIL with Parkinson's-induced balance and muscle issues, and complications from hip surgery, can now walk by herself after thinking she would never get out of bed, then never get out of her wheelchair, then never get out of her walker. The director of the preschool my kids went to had extensive back surgery, then after a year of intensive therapy, could bend down and pick up children. I agree with PP that your child is 3 and can do a lot of things by herself. Also, my son and daughter are 5 years apart and very close. Having children close in age is exhausting and increases the likelihood they will be in conflict. I would advise you to wait before having a second child until your husband is stronger and your first is more independent. |
Anonymous
So he actually can't lift anything more than 5 lbs right now and can't bend over or twist at all. So, yes, that is the scenario. Maybe trying for more independence would be good. She knows he can't lift her or play with her but that doesn't really help if she wakes up from a nap/night crying and I'm not there and she needs some attention. |
Anonymous
What is your problem? They had plans, plans are falling apart. Not everyone wants to create a martyrdom and wallow in it. Do you have a suggestion or do you just like everyone to suffer together if you are suffering? |
Anonymous
We've had about 5 opinions. Loosing feeling in his legs so critical. |
Anonymous
Orthopedic nurse here. The 2 hip surgeries wouldn't be completely out of the norm, depending on what they are. Having a back surgery thrown in makes it a little less likely. But considering he's in constant pain still, it sounds like there is an outside condition that's causing all of this. |
Anonymous
The hips were planned and are generally done 6 weeks apart, the back surgery was unplanned and emergency due to a spontaneously herniated disc from which he was loosing feeling in his legs |
Anonymous
| I'm disabled because of the same problems, in addition to Stage 4 COPD. I have no problem taking care of a small child. Are you sure he "can't", or is it an excuse to get out of it? I'm also in constant pain, besides the fact that I only have 10% lung function left. I suspect that since he's a man, he can't push through the pain like women have to do. You have to have? steel inside of you to keep going, especially when you're dying. Tell him to grow a pair. |
Anonymous
| Yes this is me, male in my 60's literally falling apart. I can't perform much anymore and am willing to let my lady go get what she wants though I'd like to share and be of a big help. This is the time when one needs help and more understanding and support because if it was her I would have to do that, I love her and life is short |
Anonymous
| So your husband had back surgery and none of his symptoms improved and he's still losing feeling in his legs? I say this nicely but something is NOT right. Where have you gone to seek medical opinions? |
Anonymous
| OP, did you consider a live-in nanny? I had couple of coworkers with the wives on the bedrest during pregnancies with toddlers at home, who had to do it. |
Anonymous
Thanks - I really don't think I'm a selfish witch. This isn't about making him feel bad for me, if I wanted that I would constantly talk to him about this. I try not to because it hurts him too to think we may not have more kids. But, yes, when it comes down to me caring for the children 100% it is a little bit about my capability, too. |
Anonymous
Ok so then it sounds like he should be in the recovery phase. But you're posting like he's not. How many second opinions have you gotten since the back surgery? If he's still in pain and under restrictions from the back surgery and it's in the appropriate time line, then just sit tight. The worst will be over. If his surgeon is saying "you should be feeling better by now" it's time to go somewhere else. |