How to handle nosy questions

[Anonymous]

How do you handle people who ask intrusive or insensitive questions about your DC's adoption, especially in front of your DC? TIA.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, I'm afraid I've been guilty of that with a (now) good friend. Mea culpa. At our first planned get-together I asked her why she had adopted from that particular country. She gave a very thoughtful and gentle answer, and I realized I maybe shouldn't have asked, at least so soon in our relationship.

If you feel too offended by the question, maybe you can just stare back and say "I beg your pardon?".

[Anonymous]

How old is the original posters child? I figure when the child is old enough, you direct the
question to the child and let the child answer. Of course you have already had a discussion
with your child about not having to answer such questions if they don't want to.

I read this in a book, I haven't tried it yet.

for example: Johnny do you want to tell this nice gentleman where you are from?
The child answers "Arlington" or whatever he wants to.

[Anonymous]

I don't know pp, throwing the question to your child is great when they ask where they are from, which I don't personally find to be intrusive. But, when someone asks how much your child cost or why you choose international adoption over domestic or having your own kids (yes, people say "your own"), or some of the other questions that you can't actually believe people say, I always hope my kids didn't hear.

OP, I think the real key is to figure out what you are comfortable with sharing. For anything else, do what you would do if someone asked you how much money you make, who you voted for, or anything else that makes you uncomfortable. One thing to remember though is that if you are in the same circles that you travled pre-adoption or you adopted a child of another race, the fact of adoption is always going to be out there.

[Anonymous]

I've read replies to this question on a few different adoption forums. Some of the replies offer nasty come-backs but I feel that a gracious, clear answer that takes control of the conversation is best. For me, that answer is, "It's a long story that worked out great. Now isn't the time to get into it. If you are interested in adoption, I'd be willing to talk with you about at another time, when we could really talk."

I've had even good friends suddenly throw out a rude question in front of the kids, like "Wow, when he has a tantrum like that, do you think that's from being in the orphanage or just genetic?" My response is "Now isn't the time to talk about it." Actually I'm thinking "there will never be a time that I will want to talk about with you!"

[Anonymous]

We try a mixture of responses - depending on the situation. Sometimes we just stare at the person asking with a look of "what did you just stay" on our faces, other times we talk around the question and eventually the person we realize we don't want to answer what they're asking us, and other times we go with humor. Our 3 DC are between 2 - 12, so with the older 2 we talk about what was said & what we could have or wished we could have said after the fact. Our oldest DD has a pretty ready wit & we have overheard her using humor a lot, and she has told us that works for her. I would enoucrage you to find a couple of pat answers that you can draw on so that when the questions/comments come you can respond and either end the conversation or being in a position to lead the discussion where you want it to go. On that point, our older 2 DD like that we have a quick response, because it "shows our family is normal."

[Anonymous]

We adopted our daughter, who was born in China, 8 years ago. Maybe we've just been lucky, but we've never had a person ask anything we would consider intrusive or rude. Basically, all the questions have been some variation on "Did you adopt your daughter and where was she born?" When adults have asked this question, they have always done so in a discreet way, demonstrating sensitivity for our daughter. Usually people ask becauase they are either considering adoption themselves, or know somebody who is considering adoption or has already adopted. Because the question is motivated by good intentions and put discreetly, we/ve never minded. In fact, the question has often created a nice connection with the person who asks. For example, a flight attendant whose question was sparked by her own experience as the aunt of two girls adopted from China gave us the royal treatment on a coast-to-coast flight, even carrying our then 3 y.o. DD up and down the aisle and procuring "pilot's wings" for her and our older DS, who was then 9. A neighbor, also the aunt of a little girl who was adopted from China, is especially kind in her attention to our daughter. When we run into her, she never fails to ask how she likes her teacher, is she still playing soccer, etc.

Of course when kids ask about adoption they're not always as discreet and will often ask DD directly. We've never had a child ask in mean or hurtful way, however, and, as DD has gotten older, we've encouraged her to respond to these questions herself. At times, the results have been pretty funny because she tends to interpret the question literally, as most kids would. Once on the nursery school playground, an older sib of a classmate once asked, "Where are you from?" and she answered "The fish class." leaving the older sib a little flummoxed. As DD has gotten older, however, she's become very adept at simply answering "Do you mean where was I born? In China. What about you?"

The bottom line for us has been that we give people the benefit of the doubt when thy ask and we're very open about the fact that we adopted DD. In fact, we've encouraged questions, especially from kids, because we don't feel there's anything shameful or furtive about it. I would say, however, that a question like "Do you think this behavior is genetic or related to your child's experience in the orphanage?" would earn th following response of "I don't know. What about your kid -- are her tantrums due to genertics or your lousy parenting?" .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We adopted our daughter, who was born in China, 8 years ago. Maybe we've just been lucky, but we've never had a person ask anything we would consider intrusive or rude. Basically, all the questions have been some variation on "Did you adopt your daughter and where was she born?" When adults have asked this question, they have always done so in a discreet way, demonstrating sensitivity for our daughter. Usually people ask becauase they are either considering adoption themselves, or know somebody who is considering adoption or has already adopted. Because the question is motivated by good intentions and put discreetly, we/ve never minded. In fact, the question has often created a nice connection with the person who asks. For example, a flight attendant whose question was sparked by her own experience as the aunt of two girls adopted from China gave us the royal treatment on a coast-to-coast flight, even carrying our then 3 y.o. DD up and down the aisle and procuring "pilot's wings" for her and our older DS, who was then 9. A neighbor, also the aunt of a little girl who was adopted from China, is especially kind in her attention to our daughter. When we run into her, she never fails to ask how she likes her teacher, is she still playing soccer, etc.

Of course when kids ask about adoption they're not always as discreet and will often ask DD directly. We've never had a child ask in mean or hurtful way, however, and, as DD has gotten older, we've encouraged her to respond to these questions herself. At times, the results have been pretty funny because she tends to interpret the question literally, as most kids would. Once on the nursery school playground, an older sib of a classmate once asked, "Where are you from?" and she answered "The fish class." leaving the older sib a little flummoxed. As DD has gotten older, however, she's become very adept at simply answering "Do you mean where was I born? In China. What about you?"

The bottom line for us has been that we give people the benefit of the doubt when thy ask and we're very open about the fact that we adopted DD. In fact, we've encouraged questions, especially from kids, because we don't feel there's anything shameful or furtive about it. I would say, however, that a question like "Do you think this behavior is genetic or related to your child's experience in the orphanage?" would earn th following response of "I don't know. What about your kid -- are her tantrums due to genertics or your lousy parenting?" .

I am not talking about asking about adoption. There is no reason to keep the fact of adoption a secret but some details are just plain personal. I'm talking about questions I would never dream of discussing as if they were casual conversation -- like, "Why did her parents give her up for adoption?" (right in front of the child) or "Is she seeing her 'real' mother regularly?" or "Does her real mother want her back?" I am sure these people are just socially clueless and rude, not mean, but that doesn't mean I have to give them personal information about my child's history just to satisfy their idle curiosity or explain something that I haven't yet explained to my child (they are too young).

I am looking for ways to deal with socially inept people (by my standards anyway) while remaining polite myself. I'd like to gently suggest that what they are asking is private, but not to hurt their feelings or make them embarrassed they asked (and hope they not ask the next adoptive family they run into at the playground or a cocktail party either). Thank you for all of the suggestions along those lines; they are very helpful. I'd love to hear more.

[Anonymous]

I'm struggling with this myself. Fortunately, the only person who's made really inappropriate comments was our developmentally-disabled neighbor who, for example, when she first met our newly-arrived DD said something along the lines of "you must feel lucky that nobody else wanted her." In response, I just rephrased her question by saying "I think what you are saying is that we must feel fortunate that DD has joined our family, which is absolutely true." Thank goodness our DD was only about 9 months old and didn't have a clue what was going on. But after this exchange, I decided that I would use the same tactic with other people as well. I feel like rephrasing the question politely points out whatever tactlessness went into the asking without necessarily openly embarrasing the person and, hopefully, educates folks. So if someone said something to me like "why did her parents give her up for adoption?" I would probably respond by saying "I suspect that what you meant to say was that our DD must have an interesting background story, which is true but personal. But I'm certainly happy to answer any questions you might have about adoption generally because it is a wonderful way to form a family." Although I try to be polite as well, I do think it's important to help people understand that some questions really aren't appropriate even if they are meant well -- and by rephrasing I hope to accomplish that in as gentle a way as possible. Although some of the snarky responses I've seen posted on other sites are humorous, I worry that the person who made the inquiry will walk just away thinking "that person was a biyatch" rather than "I should think more carefully before I ask this type of question." And my ultimate goal is to aim for the latter response, which (hopefully) is more likely to alter that person's behavior the next time.

[Anonymous]

I'm just amazed that anyone would ask questions like that. We've never had a single question or comment even remotely so intrusive and insensitive. Who asks you these types of questions?

[Anonymous]

PP (9:02) here again. While I'm still flabbergasted that anyone would ask such questions, I've now had time to consider how I would handel the situation. My advice is to go with the classic Miss Manners response to any nosy question: "Why do you ask?" Turn it right back at the rude questioner and force him/her to confront his/her own nosiness.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP: "Why do you ask?" If they say they are just curious, answer with, "That is a little personal." I agree that snarky just sends the wrong message and makes you look rude, rather than teaching the questioner a lesson they clearly need.

[Anonymous]

I'm not the OP but I've appreciated reading people's comments. To 9:02, prior to us adopting, my husband would never believe people could be so rude and insensitive, despite me being adopted myself. Now he's experienced all the rude questions I've been asked about myself. And to top it off, I'm pregnant and people have said to me, "Oh, you must be so happy that you're going to have one of your own." Um...my daughter IS my own, jackass.

[Anonymous]

I remember reading about a mom who had both biological and adopted vhildren. When people would ask her which ones were were bio and which ones were adopted, she would say, "I forget." Good answer!

[Anonymous]

I think that was Marie Osmond who made the comment about "I forget", regarding which of her children are adopted and which are bio.

I haven't really had any negative comments yet either, and rarely do people ask me where she's from (though I can tell sometimes they're dying to ask). However, I have had SO MANY friends and aquaintences ask me what I know about my daughter's birthmother. I generally tell them, since all I know is that she was 21 and not married, in a very conservative culture. So it's not really negative. Would it be better to just say "I don't know much", rather than even tell them that? I also usually say "but she was a full-term birth and healthy, so well taken care of", as if it sort of frees her from any stigma. As my daughter gets older, perhaps I shouldn't go into it at all? What do you all think? Should any info. about her birth family be kept private to friends? Frankly, I wish people wouldn't ask this, even though I understand their curiosity.