How to handle nosy questions

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I hate hearing people refer to my bio child as "your own" with the implication that our DD, who is adopted is not "my own". If she's not "my own", do they think I checked her out of the library?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that was Marie Osmond who made the comment about "I forget", regarding which of her children are adopted and which are bio.

I haven't really had any negative comments yet either, and rarely do people ask me where she's from (though I can tell sometimes they're dying to ask). However, I have had SO MANY friends and aquaintences ask me what I know about my daughter's birthmother. I generally tell them, since all I know is that she was 21 and not married, in a very conservative culture. So it's not really negative. Would it be better to just say "I don't know much", rather than even tell them that? I also usually say "but she was a full-term birth and healthy, so well taken care of", as if it sort of frees her from any stigma. As my daughter gets older, perhaps I shouldn't go into it at all? What do you all think? Should any info. about her birth family be kept private to friends? Frankly, I wish people wouldn't ask this, even though I understand their curiosity.

Personally I think her birth family info should be kept private to most people. I'm the 9/29 11:43 poster who was also adopted. Back then, I was part of the first few waves of international adoption and there obviously wasn't enough research at the time to guide people on how to handle questions, etc. I actually didn't know anything about my birth parents, but my mom was happy to tell everyone that. As a kid, and even now, I really wished she hadn't done that. After all, that info is the only part of my background that i have control over who knows it and who doesn't. I don't go around asking my friends if their moms had premarital sex and if it was a shotgun wedding, etc., so why should they expect me to reveal sensitive info about my child's history? And now that I adopted my daughter, I still feel the same way, if not stronger. It's hard when you know people don't mean to be rude, and when they're your friends, but I've gotten better about saying politely that yes, I do know stuff, but that it'll be my daughter's decision to tell people herself, if and when she ever wants to. Fortunately no one's pushed after that.

[Anonymous]

To the 10/05 07:49 poster, that is so great to hear your perspective. You made some great points and I will definitely take it to heart. I think the hard part will be declining to answer someone's question in a nice way. I think it will take some practice to make it sound normal and not angry or aggressive. It really is no one's business. I could just say nicely, "We've decided to let her be the one to tell her story when she's older." Even if I answered (to the question "what do you know about the birthmother?") "not much" or "nothing", or "it's hard to know since she lied on her records" (which a searcher has found), it is still giving away her past, and she may feel very protective of that knowledge. Thanks so much for your response.

[Anonymous]

PP from 9/28 10:12 here
PP - thank you for that answer, that's the idea I was trying to make. Questions we've received regarding adoption are very often personal information about our DC (ie. questions about birth parents, the polictics of international adoption & money). I don't think it's being "snarky" to keep that in mind when repsonding to questions people make concerning adoption in front of my kids. My DC have the answers to most of the questions we've been asked, and we work hard to add information as they get older so they can understand some of the complexities that surround that part of their lives, but the bottom line is that it is their information.

[Anonymous]

How about this:

"How much did the adoption cost?"
Answer: "About what we expected. I never added everything up. A lot depends on airfare and hotels you choose to stay in."
That way, it's deflected.

Or, if it's a stranger and the question seems more general, I could say, "Each country has different costs, so it depends. You could find out online by looking at some agencies' websites."

To the question, "What do you know about her birth family?"
I could say, "Not much. We plan to talk with her about it when she's older." Deflected again, without being rude.

Then I could continue with, "We'll then let her be the one to share the info. with others." (with the meaning, IF she wants to).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that was Marie Osmond who made the comment about "I forget", regarding which of her children are adopted and which are bio.

I haven't really had any negative comments yet either, and rarely do people ask me where she's from (though I can tell sometimes they're dying to ask). However, I have had SO MANY friends and aquaintences ask me what I know about my daughter's birthmother. I generally tell them, since all I know is that she was 21 and not married, in a very conservative culture. So it's not really negative. Would it be better to just say "I don't know much", rather than even tell them that? I also usually say "but she was a full-term birth and healthy, so well taken care of", as if it sort of frees her from any stigma. As my daughter gets older, perhaps I shouldn't go into it at all? What do you all think? Should any info. about her birth family be kept private to friends? Frankly, I wish people wouldn't ask this, even though I understand their curiosity.

Personally I think her birth family info should be kept private to most people. I'm the 9/29 11:43 poster who was also adopted. Back then, I was part of the first few waves of international adoption and there obviously wasn't enough research at the time to guide people on how to handle questions, etc. I actually didn't know anything about my birth parents, but my mom was happy to tell everyone that. As a kid, and even now, I really wished she hadn't done that. After all, that info is the only part of my background that i have control over who knows it and who doesn't. I don't go around asking my friends if their moms had premarital sex and if it was a shotgun wedding, etc., so why should they expect me to reveal sensitive info about my child's history? And now that I adopted my daughter, I still feel the same way, if not stronger. It's hard when you know people don't mean to be rude, and when they're your friends, but I've gotten better about saying politely that yes, I do know stuff, but that it'll be my daughter's decision to tell people herself, if and when she ever wants to. Fortunately no one's pushed after that.

Thank you for sharing your experience. We actually have an open international adoption (we searched for DS's birth family a couple years ago) and have met DS's birthfamily. In our experience, the best approach is to share no more than your child already knows. In our son's case, he knows quite a bit and we've shared with good friends the fact that we met our son's birth family and some basic information, while keeping other stuff private. With one set of relatives, we definitely use the "That's our son's information and if he wants to talk about it, he can." We're lucky in that we've had few tactless questions along the way.

[Anonymous]

If you chose to share any detail, don't try to hide it from your child. I saw my mom doing that growing up (I was adopted as a newborn) and for a while I thought she was ashamed.

[Anonymous]

When my son was little I'd say "I'm sorry that's his story, and he's not old enough to understand the implications of me sharing it, so I can't ask his permission."

Now, I will sometimes ask him "would you like me to answer the question?" and he often says "No thank you." in which case I'll say "that's a pretty personal question, and one that I can't answer without my son's permission." Or "I'm sorry, we choose not to answer that question."

The funny thing is that if you ask my son intrusive questions he usually replies "Ask my mom that." so it becomes a circle -- they ask him, get directed to me, they ask me and I ask him and he witholds permission.

[Anonymous]

Why play this game with your son? Why not just agree in advance about what you're willing to share and what you're not willing to share?

[Anonymous]

As an adoptee, I have found myself in these positions. First, there is nothing to take personally so don't let yourself do that. Secondly, just firmly answer by saying that their question is inappropriate-they'll get the point. And if they don't, change the subject. It's really that easy.

[Anonymous]

As a mom by adoption, I have been shocked by two things. One is the intrusive and unthinking questions or comments people make. The other is the intimate details some parents by adoption will share with others.

[Anonymous]

My favorite response (I read it in Dear Abby 20 years ago) to any intrusive question is:

"Why do you want to know?"
Don't be afraid to make someone feel uncomfortable when they have not considered your feelings at all.

And you do have a right to know why they are asking.

[Anonymous]

As an adult adoptee if someone asked my parents and they directed the question to me I would have felt really uncomfortable and annoyed. Probably never answered and been in a bad mood after that. It's private information.