Can we reconcile?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's foregone, but here's the situation.

I was an extremely unhappy SAHM. Both of us have/had drinking problems (I'm nearing three months of sobriety) and DH dallied on Tinder, sexting women, met up with and had physical contact with one. Financial control was a problem. DH has/had severe anger and control issues - he would say the same about me. I felt totally disempowered.

I left nine months ago. It's been difficult finding my footing but I'm in a good job and building community. Part of me does wonder if we should reconcile. We're already going to be bound together forever through our children (and grandchildren etc) and we are good friends, when we can get along. I wonder if my working full-time might change the dynamic for the better.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

The only thing that has changed is that you've stopped drinking and gotten a job? How does that fix his severe anger and control issues or cheating?

You can try I guess, but you haven't said anything that makes it sound like your relationship is better or like he has any interest in making it better.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. What has your estranged husband done to change? In he in counseling? Is he sober?

[Anonymous]

I think that if there is a chance that you can love again and be together and be happy, why not?

You're sober - you don't mention if he is, but that should be part of the process as should couples counseling. Why don't you start there? Ask if he'd go to counseling and you guys can date...and take it from there.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Do you miss the person that your DH truly is or the person you want him to be/he made himself out to be? Because you may be assuming he's gotten better and doesn't have issues anymore, when that's probably not the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that if there is a chance that you can love again and be together and be happy, why not?

You're sober - you don't mention if he is, but that should be part of the process as should couples counseling. Why don't you start there? Ask if he'd go to counseling and you guys can date...and take it from there.

Good luck.

If your husband is in recovery as well, I would echo the above. It's been a long time since I stopped drinking, but I felt such a momentum early on to improve myself across the board and it definitely helped my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that has changed is that you've stopped drinking and gotten a job? How does that fix his severe anger and control issues or cheating?

You can try I guess, but you haven't said anything that makes it sound like your relationship is better or like he has any interest in making it better.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

You can't change him. He has to change himself, and be committed to that change for the sake of your marriage. It doesn't matter if you'll be bonded together through your children forever. If he is not in the relationship entirely, you're going to be climbing back onto a sinking ship. It's too early, with three months sobriety, in my opinion. I'm an alcoholic. I've also been sober for three months. I know not to put myself in a position that will stress me to the point where I am thinking of drinking again. You have to take care of yourself first, and heal. Then assess the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't change him. He has to change himself, and be committed to that change for the sake of your marriage. It doesn't matter if you'll be bonded together through your children forever. If he is not in the relationship entirely, you're going to be climbing back onto a sinking ship. It's too early, with three months sobriety, in my opinion. I'm an alcoholic. I've also been sober for three months. I know not to put myself in a position that will stress me to the point where I am thinking of drinking again. You have to take care of yourself first, and heal. Then assess the situation.

I'd normally agree with this but in this is a case of a marriage that includes children.

There's nothing that says that a married couple can't recover together and tbh I thought that was what marriage is all about - to be there for each other. I agree with setting boundaries and rules and to put your self recovery above all else of course, but the notion that you do it alone in a vacuum and then try to reconcile afterwords doesn't seem like the only solution. I think that you can be in recovery and work on your marriage at the same time - but taking your time.

[Anonymous]

As I recall the rule of thumb in AA is to not date until after being sober for a year. I'd wait at least that long.

[Anonymous]

If you are in recovery and abiding by what you are being told, then you know that you have to focus 100% on yourself. This is not the time to even THINK about your relationship, this is about you. And, of course, your children. That doesn't even need to be said.

[Anonymous]

Nooooooooooooooo. Just forget him. I agree with pp's who say you can't change him. You weren't the whole problem. But, don't bring his issues back into your life. I know this part is hard -- waiting, getting your footing, being lonely, trying to find the new normal -- but put in the years of waiting this out. I have hope that I'll meet someone when I get myself straightened out. Learn how to identify an a**hole before you wind up stuck with him. And just commit to bailing on the first signs of trouble and being happy with what you have.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you are leaning toward reconciling, which is a good alternative if both of you are willing to work at your marriage and yourselves. Working on ourselves often needs to come first. And, we must be sure we are not walking into another destructive relationship. Leslie Vernick's books on relationships give practical, wise, Biblical advice which can help us determine if we are ready to put in the work and if the relationship is "workable." You might want to check out some of her books, like this one https://bit.ly/2Bp6WBn. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t he overseas? Would you move back there?

[Anonymous]

You're only 3 months in sobriety, stay away from him!