Reassure me about moving with a quiet child ...

[Anonymous]

DD is 13 and in 6th grade. Super smart but socially immature. In the past has has one close friend per school year. This year has branched out a little and has 6 or so good friends and one best friend. We are likely moving back to DC after her 7th or 8th grade year. I’m not worried about her younger brother who makes friends easily. I’m worried about her and her emotional and social transition to a new school community. We have old friends on the area so she’ll know people outside of school and at church. Anyone BTDT at this age with a quiet child? Tips?

[Anonymous]

Gah! DD is 12!

[Anonymous]

OP, we moved between our quiet DD's 6th and 7th grade years. She is our middle and I worried about her the most - her older sibling is super adaptable and moving in elementary school for her younger siblings seemed like really no big deal.

Our 7th grader has adapted incredibly well. She is very observant and deliberate so the first month was a bit hard while she just mainly watched and tried to get the feel of the girls in her grade, but she has ended up with two such great kind friends and an acquaintance group that has had no drama in all of 7th grade.

So I guess overall my advice would be to encourage her to take her time before jumping into friendships while also being aware that it might be a little hard at first but that it will all work out pretty shortly.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we moved between our quiet DD's 6th and 7th grade years. She is our middle and I worried about her the most - her older sibling is super adaptable and moving in elementary school for her younger siblings seemed like really no big deal.

Our 7th grader has adapted incredibly well. She is very observant and deliberate so the first month was a bit hard while she just mainly watched and tried to get the feel of the girls in her grade, but she has ended up with two such great kind friends and an acquaintance group that has had no drama in all of 7th grade.

So I guess overall my advice would be to encourage her to take her time before jumping into friendships while also being aware that it might be a little hard at first but that it will all work out pretty shortly.

Good luck!

Thank you. Did you move into a public or private school? How big?

[Anonymous]

My DS is 13 and we have moved every three years on average. He's quiet, tends to have 1-2 close friends rather than a bunch, and it is really rough on him. It can take him 1-2 years to adjust, and by then we're not far from our next move.

Keys for us have been validating his feelings of grief over the old place, really close ties in our nuclear family, letting him stay in touch with friends (e.g. often by playing computer games together long distance), being in close communication with teachers, and getting him therapy when needed. (About six months in to this move he made a comment about life not being worth it because he missed the last place too much.) We are also now planning on staying here until he graduates from high school. It will be a career hit for me, but is worth it for more stability for him.

What is most frustrating to me as a parent are well-meaning friends who say, "Don't worry about it. Kids are resilient." Or when teachers tell me that kids always have a tough 3 months at the new school and then it gets better.
Yes, many kids are resilient (his sister is) or will adjust after 3 months, but not all of them. I truly hope your move goes well and your child adjusts quickly, but if not, trust your gut, and if things are still rough 5-6 months in, take your child seriously, and do what you can--including counselling--if needed.

[Anonymous]

My only advice is I wouldn’t do it again. Especially after she’s gained a group of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only advice is I wouldn’t do it again. Especially after she’s gained a group of friends.

Not sure what you mean? If we move bCk to DC we won’t move until after both kids are out of high school.

[Anonymous]

“DC” is a huge, diverse area, especially if you count the DMV. Where you end up matters. My kid is at TJ, and lots of super smart introverts come in knowing no one. I would imagine it’s the same at many of the private HSs and competitive entry magnets. One of DD’s friends is going to Madeira. Knows no one, but on all sorts of meeting people lists.

In base schools in FCPS, you kid would be better off places with more transient populations (military, diplomats) or places with screwed up feeders. Carson MS splits into 4 HSs. So everyone ends up losing a big part of their friend group. I’m not sure what the comparable part of DC or MD is.

Having BTDT with kids going into 5th and 7th, and then later TJ, I would suggest moving around Memorial Day and joining the neighborhood pool. Try to get your kid hooked up with community summer activities. Beginning of summer at Carson, and most kids with an instrument head to Franklin Band and strings camp for 3 weeks of half days. It’s low key and a way to meet people, but not a lot of social pressure. If you post in the appropriate school forum what your school is, people will tell you what the kids do over the summer.

And STRONGLY encourage your kid to go out for a freshman sports team or marching band in the fall. Or join the fall drama production. Sports and band practice will start and become intense in the 3-4 weeks before school starts, and it is a good way to instantly become part of a group. Your kid does not have to be any good, or get a single minute of playing time. If they know the other 11 members of the JV volleyball team well enough to have a lab partner in chemistry and someone to eat lunch with, it’s a start.

And don’t worry. The DMV has a lot of super smart kids. And a lot of kids whose parents move them in at inconvenient times for jobs. There are more people like your kid than you might realize.

[Anonymous]

PP above, and meant to say that when we moved, my 5th grader, who sounds just like your DD had a tough time. Super smart, introverted. Some anxiety issues. Came home from school crying the first few days. But she did adapt fast, and has a great group of friends I love, all quirky, smart, independent, passionate about different things. I realize it is not a lot of comfort, but my daughter would likely love to become your daughters friend.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate it!

[Anonymous]

Depending on where you decide to live, it will be a moving year. Kids in VA move from ES to MS in 7th grade. I would think it would be easier in this situation than if the move to MS happens in 6th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“DC” is a huge, diverse area, especially if you count the DMV. Where you end up matters. My kid is at TJ, and lots of super smart introverts come in knowing no one. I would imagine it’s the same at many of the private HSs and competitive entry magnets. One of DD’s friends is going to Madeira. Knows no one, but on all sorts of meeting people lists.

In base schools in FCPS, you kid would be better off places with more transient populations (military, diplomats) or places with screwed up feeders. Carson MS splits into 4 HSs. So everyone ends up losing a big part of their friend group. I’m not sure what the comparable part of DC or MD is.

Having BTDT with kids going into 5th and 7th, and then later TJ, I would suggest moving around Memorial Day and joining the neighborhood pool. Try to get your kid hooked up with community summer activities. Beginning of summer at Carson, and most kids with an instrument head to Franklin Band and strings camp for 3 weeks of half days. It’s low key and a way to meet people, but not a lot of social pressure. If you post in the appropriate school forum what your school is, people will tell you what the kids do over the summer.

And STRONGLY encourage your kid to go out for a freshman sports team or marching band in the fall. Or join the fall drama production. Sports and band practice will start and become intense in the 3-4 weeks before school starts, and it is a good way to instantly become part of a group. Your kid does not have to be any good, or get a single minute of playing time. If they know the other 11 members of the JV volleyball team well enough to have a lab partner in chemistry and someone to eat lunch with, it’s a start.

And don’t worry. The DMV has a lot of super smart kids. And a lot of kids whose parents move them in at inconvenient times for jobs. There are more people like your kid than you might realize.

When my kids were younger a coworker with older kids said his strategy was to always have them in Band, so that they had an instant set of friends and it worked well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“DC” is a huge, diverse area, especially if you count the DMV. Where you end up matters. My kid is at TJ, and lots of super smart introverts come in knowing no one. I would imagine it’s the same at many of the private HSs and competitive entry magnets. One of DD’s friends is going to Madeira. Knows no one, but on all sorts of meeting people lists.

In base schools in FCPS, you kid would be better off places with more transient populations (military, diplomats) or places with screwed up feeders. Carson MS splits into 4 HSs. So everyone ends up losing a big part of their friend group. I’m not sure what the comparable part of DC or MD is.

Having BTDT with kids going into 5th and 7th, and then later TJ, I would suggest moving around Memorial Day and joining the neighborhood pool. Try to get your kid hooked up with community summer activities. Beginning of summer at Carson, and most kids with an instrument head to Franklin Band and strings camp for 3 weeks of half days. It’s low key and a way to meet people, but not a lot of social pressure. If you post in the appropriate school forum what your school is, people will tell you what the kids do over the summer.

And STRONGLY encourage your kid to go out for a freshman sports team or marching band in the fall. Or join the fall drama production. Sports and band practice will start and become intense in the 3-4 weeks before school starts, and it is a good way to instantly become part of a group. Your kid does not have to be any good, or get a single minute of playing time. If they know the other 11 members of the JV volleyball team well enough to have a lab partner in chemistry and someone to eat lunch with, it’s a start.

And don’t worry. The DMV has a lot of super smart kids. And a lot of kids whose parents move them in at inconvenient times for jobs. There are more people like your kid than you might realize.

When my kids were younger a coworker with older kids said his strategy was to always have them in Band, so that they had an instant set of friends and it worked well.

+1. Band always has the nicest kids who are “good influences”. And they accept everyone. They also usually have a band class together everyday which reinforces the bond. I have a “band geek” and was shocked at how easy it made the Hs transition for a socially awkward kid. Where to eat the first day of school? With his band section. What to do about annoying teacher X? A junior in band knows. DD starts HS next year and plays a stringed instrument. Orchestra can march at her school with pit or percussion, and without taking the class, but she has no interest, which is really disappointing.

[Anonymous]

OP we moved with 3 kids - our middle your DD ‘s age. Ironically-we thought she woukd be the chill one and were’t as worried about her but she had worst time. While we had no intention of coming back we did return after 2 years. If I had any advice it would be to cultivate telationships here as your plan is to return. Its a tough age and with your DD already not be a social butterfly keep her in these friend’s orbit. We came back to same schools but my DD decided her old group had moved on without her and she decided to go slone (I thought so as not to risk rejection.) By high school she was back to this group but it was a lonely transistion.

Being quiet also made new place hard for her but at least there I did good in that I probably relaxed a little of my hesitations re going out with friends as I wanted her to find her place. I also made ‘play dates’ (I guess not play at 12/13!) at our house easy for her to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we moved between our quiet DD's 6th and 7th grade years. She is our middle and I worried about her the most - her older sibling is super adaptable and moving in elementary school for her younger siblings seemed like really no big deal.

Our 7th grader has adapted incredibly well. She is very observant and deliberate so the first month was a bit hard while she just mainly watched and tried to get the feel of the girls in her grade, but she has ended up with two such great kind friends and an acquaintance group that has had no drama in all of 7th grade.

So I guess overall my advice would be to encourage her to take her time before jumping into friendships while also being aware that it might be a little hard at first but that it will all work out pretty shortly.

Good luck!

Thank you. Did you move into a public or private school? How big?

We are in a private - about 60 kids in her grade.