Tween is coming out to friends but not parents

[Anonymous]

I monitor my child's emails and have spotted some emails that make it fairly obvious that my child is gay. It's DC's decision on when to tell us but now that I know (and I cannot unknow) how should I proceed? DC is 11 and understood that as part of us allowing email privileges, we would be monitoring the email account from time to time. Some advice from others would be greatly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You can definitely start the conversation by talking about how being gay is perfectly fine and perhaps he will follow suit. 11 years olds are not very mature so he might not know how to tell you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely start the conversation by talking about how being gay is perfectly fine and perhaps he will follow suit. 11 years olds are not very mature so he might not know how to tell you.

And it's also very possible he's just picking up on social cues at school and this could be performative. He may not actually be gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely start the conversation by talking about how being gay is perfectly fine and perhaps he will follow suit. 11 years olds are not very mature so he might not know how to tell you.

And it's also very possible he's just picking up on social cues at school and this could be performative. He may not actually be gay.

Very true. 11 is very young. But I think OP is going to want to send a signal that being gay is OK whether he is or not.

[Anonymous]

OP here----I've been doing this in indirect ways but I'll step up my game a notch or two. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Two options:

1. Ignore and continue to monitor.

2. Talk to him about how his writings could make some people understand that he has affinities for males and not females.

Nothing about this demonstrates homosexuality, even if he actually writes "I'm gay". Why? Because gender identity can be fluid at that age, and different identities are put on just like costumes, to see how they feel. Also, if what he wrote isn't that clear-cut, you might be imagining things.

[Anonymous]

Just throwing it out there as possibility - if he knows you monitor, maybe this is his way of "telling" you?

[Anonymous]

This is how it was with my son. He even came out to his cousin before he came out to me.

If you haven't seen "The Official Coming Out Song", here it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3ECU6xtp68

[Anonymous]

I don't buy the concept of fluidity to the degree some people are these days. Just about all the gays and lesbians I know (and I know quite a few, including a sibling) knew they were attracted to the same gender as early as 10-11. If they were "fluid" it was that they were coming to terms with it but it was never a case of deciding I'll be gay (or lesbian or bisexual).

Your DC is mentioning this and he's 11? Yep. He's most likely gay.

Your DC also knows you're monitoring his emails. So perhaps this is his subtle way of letting you know? I wouldn't rush into talking to him directly about the sexuality but make it clear in other ways you A) love him no matter what, B) it's important for him to be who he is and never lie to himself, C) you're supportive (within reason) of whoever he turns out to be.

[Anonymous]

It's perfectly normal to come out to friends before parents. I'm gay and don't know anyone who told mom and dad before their friends. I would think that was kind of strange, to be honest.

Let him tell you directly in his own time. In the mean time, you could start using neutral language when discussing dating, marriage, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can definitely start the conversation by talking about how being gay is perfectly fine and perhaps he will follow suit. 11 years olds are not very mature so he might not know how to tell you.

And it's also very possible he's just picking up on social cues at school and this could be performative. He may not actually be gay.

Very true. 11 is very young. But I think OP is going to want to send a signal that being gay is OK whether he is or not.

Maybe OP doesn’t think being gay is “OK?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two options:

1. Ignore and continue to monitor.

2. Talk to him about how his writings could make some people understand that he has affinities for males and not females.

Nothing about this demonstrates homosexuality, even if he actually writes "I'm gay". Why? Because gender identity can be fluid at that age, and different identities are put on just like costumes, to see how they feel. Also, if what he wrote isn't that clear-cut, you might be imagining things.

You should know that gender and sexuality are completely different before you advise people that they’re imagining their child is gay. You’re trying to use buzz words, but words have meanings and you’re doing it wrong.

OP, it’s totally normal to come out to friends first. DS did the same thing. At first, it stung a little that he didn’t feel safe enough to come out to us at the very beginning, but that’s not really the issue. If you think he might not be sure of your feelings, let him know you’re fine with it (it sounds like you are).

You didn’t ask about this but I want to throw it out there. Be careful that you’re monitoring his emails for the right reasons and not to be nosy or feel included in his private life. It’s tempting, but if he doesn’t feel like he can trust you with email, he won’t want to share extremely personal topics. I don’t think monitoring is wrong or anything, and we had an almost identical situation happen. Even though they know you have access, if they’re generally trustworthy, I don’t think most kids really expect parents to read much of their personal correspondence. It’s not far removed from reading their diaries.

[Anonymous]

OP here----I appreciate all the advice and kinds words. I should have stated that we'll be very supportive of DC regardless of their sexuality.
I think the initial shock of reading some of the emails was a bit overwhelming. As a parent of three wonderful children, I still get surprised that they are living their own lives and not the lives that I envisioned for them.
We're going to wait until DC feels comfortable telling us and in the meantime, we'll try to model inclusive and loving interactions to all we interact with on a daily basis.
Thank you also for the reminder about not invading DC's privacy too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here----I appreciate all the advice and kinds words. I should have stated that we'll be very supportive of DC regardless of their sexuality.
I think the initial shock of reading some of the emails was a bit overwhelming. As a parent of three wonderful children, I still get surprised that they are living their own lives and not the lives that I envisioned for them.
We're going to wait until DC feels comfortable telling us and in the meantime, we'll try to model inclusive and loving interactions to all we interact with on a daily basis.
Thank you also for the reminder about not invading DC's privacy too much.

You sound like a great parent, OP. Your kid is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here----I appreciate all the advice and kinds words. I should have stated that we'll be very supportive of DC regardless of their sexuality.
I think the initial shock of reading some of the emails was a bit overwhelming. As a parent of three wonderful children, I still get surprised that they are living their own lives and not the lives that I envisioned for them.
We're going to wait until DC feels comfortable telling us and in the meantime, we'll try to model inclusive and loving interactions to all we interact with on a daily basis.
Thank you also for the reminder about not invading DC's privacy too much.

what was in those emails that make you think he/she is gay? since i am gay, maybe i could help and see if you're possibly right or overreacting