feel like crying...

[Anonymous]

sitting at my desk trying not to burst into tears. since having a m/c and d&c in July, I've learned that my cousin is pregnant, my SIL is pregnant, and today, one of my best friends is pregnant. top that off with my other SIL having a baby two weeks ago, another best friend due in a month, my aunts harassing me recently at a wedding about having another baby (yes, I have one lovely DD), last Sunday would have been the 20 week mark on my lost pregnancy, and I got my period two days ago. and we started trying for #2 last September. so it has been a whole year. my ILs stayed with us last weekend and talked forever about their new grandson. it took every ounce in me not to burst into tears.

I just want to crawl into bed and cry for the rest of the day.

i've posted here before, so this may sound familiar. DH asked me last time we heard about a pregnancy if I was upset b/c his sister was PG. I said no, I'm sad because I am not. I feel horrible b/c the friend who announced her pregnancy today has been trying for more than 4 years, and has gone through tons of fertility treatment. of course, i am thrilled for her.

but I am so depressed. i don't know how to keep my head above water.

[Anonymous]

pp, i know how you feel. i mc a year ago and still feel like crying. it's been over a year ttc for us. i find it super hard to talk to my friends who are pg. especially the ones who get pg w/o even trying...

maybe try individual therapy? some fertility clinics have a therapist who you can talk to, i think SG does. if not i know the name of a good one. i find it very helpful sorting out my feelings and frustrations.

xxoo good luck...your feelings are justified.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you!

It took us 4 years to have a successful pregnancy. I can't count the number of couples we know who met, got engaged, got married and delivered a baby in the span of time it took as to get pregnant. Some were going on a second pregnancy and we were still trying for #1.

I cried a whole lot.

What you are feeling is totally normal.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I think one of the reasons I am having such a hard time is that DH doesn't seem to get it. He's not a jerk, but his response is, essentially, "Don't get upset. It'll happen." I think he is trying to be reassuring, but it is not helpful.

[Anonymous]

I've also been trying for #2 for almost a year. In the past week I've been told about 3 pregnancies from friends. I'm happy for all of them, however with the most recent one sharing, it was the first time I ever felt a little sad. But, if my husband says "it's okay if our DD is only child" one time after a failed pee test, I might burst into tears!

[Anonymous]

OP here - 10:00 PP - I totally get you. My DH's other response - we'll have another child - we'll adopt if that's what we have to do.

Not helpful.

How long did it take you to conceive #1?

[Anonymous]

I also had a m/c and d&c in July and we're getting ready to TTC again . . . I know exactly how you feel. I saw an old friend at a conference recently and before I could even say hello she announced she was 5 weeks pregnant and constantly having morning sickness, etc. I literally started crying (in her defense, she hadn't known I was pregnant and m/c). All my SILs are also having babies and getting pregnant and everytime I see my Mom, she asks if we're pregnant again. My DH is also not a jerk, but also doesn't seem to get it either. Sometimes it just feels very isolating --- hang in there and hopefully you'll be pregnant soon!

[Anonymous]

Isolating is exactly the right word. I feel very alone and very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - 10:00 PP - I totally get you. My DH's other response - we'll have another child - we'll adopt if that's what we have to do.

Not helpful.

How long did it take you to conceive #1?

10:00 here - My DH has made many dense comments. In fact, we have his family coming to town during what we would be our next time trying. Over the weekend he said - does this mean we are going to miss out this month too? MISS OUT?!?! He hasn't been fired yet, but he's getting close.

#1 was really quick - only 2 months. She just turned 2 last month! I went to my OB recently for a check up and got a sono to "check things out." Apparently all is well. I got the bill for what insurance didn't cover the same day we got news that our friend is pregnant. I was upset that I had a bill for something that told me nothing, but then stopped when DH reminded me it took our friends almost 5 years to conceive (with help). I'm also sick of others telling me we should consider having another soon.

[Anonymous]

"I'm also sick of others telling me we should consider having another soon"

people are full of unsolicited advice!!! so annoying!!
good luck to everyone!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry - I've been trying for #2 for 19 months and just got AF again yesterday. I have one friend who can't stop talking about our other friends' pregnancies - I just want to slap her. And another who just had a baby. I find that I'm isolating myself from them and others because I can't trust myself not to cry.

OP, have you tried a support group? I think it helps deal with your frustrations with DH when you learn that most of the other DH's act the same way - there just really is a disconnect between a woman's feelings about failing to conceive and a man's. I think women feel a greater sense of shame and failure, and probably anger. My DH also says it'll be fine if we only have one, but that idea leaves me with a huge broken part in my heart.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are upset. I get it. I have been there, missing a good friend's baby shower because I just couldn't face it post m/c. It almost ruined the friendship. Cry if you must, but count your blessings too. Do you have a good marriage, a supportive husband? Do you love the life you have? Pleast try not to let having a baby define you. You define you. It's scary to think you aren't getting pregnant, but you have to stay positive. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP...I am so sorry you are going through this. Please find some support NOT in the shape of family or hubby....there are tons of groups, even individual therapy that can help you process the loss, grief, and frustration.

Sometimes people think therapy means we are CRAZY, but I look at it like this: you are in a huge transition/challenge in your life and some support with that would help you NOT hold onto anger, resentment, jealousy, and sadness!

Go help yourself, you will NOT be sorry!

Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

And keep posting on DCUM. As you see, many of us have gone through this.

In my case, we had our child after almost 2 years of trying - it was the worst emotional roller coaster I had ever been on. After trying for #2 for another 2 years (without intervnetion this time), I came to terms that it won't happen. The frustration and heartache, not to mention inconvenience and expense trying for #1 turned me off to going back for fertility treatments. Since I have unexplained causes, I decided that we will try naturally and if it happens, it happens. I had a couple times where I thought it worked, but ended up getting my period. So frustrating and sad (not to mention the pressure from family and friends about having another!).

After a lot of conversation wiith my husband (who was similar to other husbands in this situation, I actually started feeling ok with everything - it took awhile, but no more am I sad to hear about others getting pregnant. One child is a blessing for us. She is happy and so are we! I decided that if I start thinking like my husband, I won't feel as such a failure or that my life isn't perfect...and you know what - it worked! I look at the positives (my child) and not the negatives (I always wanted 2 kids).

[Anonymous]

Another person who can relate. We have one beautiful DD and have been trying for #2 for the past year. In that time, I've had an ectopic, a couple early m/c and the removal of endometreosis. Needless to say, life has been an emotional roller coaster for DH and me. The hardest part with others has been the assumption that if you have one you can have another and comments to the effect.

All that said, we've decided to take a break and be happy as the family we are. W/o the worry of all the complications I've endured, the month-to-month waiting, etc. we really are happier than we've been in a long time. I realized I need to be the best mom I can to my DD and not be one who is so unhappy all the time. And I tend to agree with 13:44. I don't take similar comments from DH as being dense, but rather a balance to my negativity. Although not a day goes by that I don't think about what DD's life will be like w/ or w/o a sibling, I'm starting to be ok with the idea that we might be a family of three. Just as there are many positives with having a second, I've come to realize there are many positives if we have just one.

Hang in there and know there are lots of us out there going through this. You're not alone.