Found Sibling through DNA service

[Anonymous]

Well, I found my half sister and I need you savages to help me out by giving me your thoughts. My biological father cheated on his pregnant wife and had me. So we have been chatting and she has issues with trust and privacy. I just this strong feeling to bond, which is awkward. I write these long emails about my life and then, later, can't figure out why I wrote it.

Another wrinkle is that her mom has dementia and she basically have to take care of her. That's, of course, really stressful. We have been emailing for a year and I still have no idea what she even looks like. I have no idea how to read this? I kinda feel like I should just break it off. What do you folks think?

[Anonymous]

I think she is dealing with a whole lot of stress in her life right now, and you should keep in touch, but give her space and time. Caring for a person with dementia is often all a person can handle at one time.

[Anonymous]

I found my entire paternal family this way-(DNA) I was adopted. Yes, apparently I was also the product of an affair, which I already knew. Many siblings live maybe 45 minutes from me, but I will not be contacting them.

I am already in contact with the maternal side....well before the DNA capabilities. I had to talk to them to find out and confirm the data I was finding. They were very helpful. We have a mild relationship as if we are all acquaintances. I have not pushed anything. We come from different cultures, and while I find our similarities interesting and amusing, I do not think of them as family. They do not think of me as family.

I am glad to know who I am, and very, very gratetful for the information. But here's the thing- this really had nothing to do with any of them, and you are (me too) a giant piece of information that no one really needs. We are an intrusion into the narrative of their life and family. If they are nice people, they will be cordial, but that's it-do not expect real relationships. I know this person is your sister, but you were not raised with her, you won't relate to much with each other, and they owe you nothing in terms of a relationship or anything. If it was an actual parent, I can understand that you would want some answers from them, and you have the right to that. However, even then, your bio parents do not owe you a relationship. I am not trying to be mean, but it is the truth.

I think it is important to know who you are and how you got here. Don't let any negative inforamtion inform your opinion of your life, who you are, or your future. You are you- they were them- no matter what they did or didn't do vis a vis your life. Social mores were quite different over the years, and social behavior responded in kind.

You are your own unique individual- with a non- traditional background.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found my entire paternal family this way-(DNA) I was adopted. Yes, apparently I was also the product of an affair, which I already knew. Many siblings live maybe 45 minutes from me, but I will not be contacting them.

I am already in contact with the maternal side....well before the DNA capabilities. I had to talk to them to find out and confirm the data I was finding. They were very helpful. We have a mild relationship as if we are all acquaintances. I have not pushed anything. We come from different cultures, and while I find our similarities interesting and amusing, I do not think of them as family. They do not think of me as family.

I am glad to know who I am, and very, very gratetful for the information. But here's the thing- this really had nothing to do with any of them, and you are (me too) a giant piece of information that no one really needs. We are an intrusion into the narrative of their life and family. If they are nice people, they will be cordial, but that's it-do not expect real relationships. I know this person is your sister, but you were not raised with her, you won't relate to much with each other, and they owe you nothing in terms of a relationship or anything. If it was an actual parent, I can understand that you would want some answers from them, and you have the right to that. However, even then, your bio parents do not owe you a relationship. I am not trying to be mean, but it is the truth.

I think it is important to know who you are and how you got here. Don't let any negative inforamtion inform your opinion of your life, who you are, or your future. You are you- they were them- no matter what they did or didn't do vis a vis your life. Social mores were quite different over the years, and social behavior responded in kind.

You are your own unique individual- with a non- traditional background.

Good luck, OP.

Yeah, you are probably right. The only issue is that my dad and her mom are really old and I am pretty sure that I am the last family she has. But I am going to give her space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I found my entire paternal family this way-(DNA) I was adopted. Yes, apparently I was also the product of an affair, which I already knew. Many siblings live maybe 45 minutes from me, but I will not be contacting them.

I am already in contact with the maternal side....well before the DNA capabilities. I had to talk to them to find out and confirm the data I was finding. They were very helpful. We have a mild relationship as if we are all acquaintances. I have not pushed anything. We come from different cultures, and while I find our similarities interesting and amusing, I do not think of them as family. They do not think of me as family.

I am glad to know who I am, and very, very gratetful for the information. But here's the thing- this really had nothing to do with any of them, and you are (me too) a giant piece of information that no one really needs. We are an intrusion into the narrative of their life and family. If they are nice people, they will be cordial, but that's it-do not expect real relationships. I know this person is your sister, but you were not raised with her, you won't relate to much with each other, and they owe you nothing in terms of a relationship or anything. If it was an actual parent, I can understand that you would want some answers from them, and you have the right to that. However, even then, your bio parents do not owe you a relationship. I am not trying to be mean, but it is the truth.

I think it is important to know who you are and how you got here. Don't let any negative inforamtion inform your opinion of your life, who you are, or your future. You are you- they were them- no matter what they did or didn't do vis a vis your life. Social mores were quite different over the years, and social behavior responded in kind.

You are your own unique individual- with a non- traditional background.

Good luck, OP.

Yeah, you are probably right. The only issue is that my dad and her mom are really old and I am pretty sure that I am the last family she has. But I am going to give her space.

Probably best to leave it up to her- you may be surprised later on, or not.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps when she has no more family she will reach out to you.

I think when caring for an individual like she is, it's so stressful and time consuming, and since she doesn't know you, she may worry that you will come with some sort of issue....you may want something or cause trouble of some unforseen sort and she just can't deal with another project or problem on her plate. So she keeps her distance.

Ok as a side note, it's interesting you can't find out what she looks like; have you google image searched her?