Do you think emotionally abusive men can change?
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Anonymous
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My husband is often the sweetest most loving man in the world, but he has serious emotional regulation issues. When he starts feeling threatened or insecure he can go into rages triggered by completely trivial things. When he’s in a rage, he shouts, he curses, he slams doors, he calls me names and says extremely belittling things, and he announces that he’s leaving Me because he can’t stand being married to me. He has never physically assaulted me, but on a few occasions he has grabbed my arm painfully, blocked me, etc. His rages aren’t constant, in that he can go for six months without having a single one, but at other times he will go into rages every few days for a week or it will happen every month or so. Afterwards he is always sorry and apologetic.
In many ways he’s a wonderful wonderful man, and I do love him. I also understand a lot about how terrible his childhood was, and my heart goes out to him when I think how frightened and hurt and abandoned he felt as a child. He is in therapy and takes medication, and this has improved things noticeably. His rages are somewhat less frequent, and he seems to get over them more quickly. That said, they still occur, and when they do they are frightening and incredibly hurtful and distressing. It’s like my husband is body snatched by someone completely different. It’s a terrifying personality transformation. I’m really wondering if I can stay in this marriage. I’m wondering if I should. He says he is working on his anger issues and truly wants to stay together and I believe him. I believe him, but after eight years together, I am losing faith that this will ever get better, or at least that it will ever get good enough. Has anyone had any experience with this kind of thing? Has anyone had is it naïve to think that if he continues therapy and medication, he can eventually find ways to control his emotions better, so he’s no longer lashing out every time he feels hurt or upset? Feeling kind of hopeless. And struggling to figure out what is “good enough.” He is a hurt, Emotionally damage Matt. In many ways, given his family, it’s amazing that he is as functional as he is, and when he’s not angry he is the most delightful funny smart and affectionate person. I’m trying to decide if the time with my smart funny adoring husband is worth putting up with the moments when he is the opposi emotionally damage Matt. In many ways, given his family, it’s amazing that he is as functional as he is, and when he’s not angry he is the most delightful funny smart and affectionate person. I’m trying to decide if the time with my smart funny adoring husband is worth putting up with the moments when he metamorphosis into a terrifying bully. Can he change? Therapy and meds have definitely improved things. Just wondering if after a year of therapy and meds there is any basis to hope for further improvement. |
Anonymous
| Argh, sorry about typos. Dunno what happened. And length. |
Anonymous
| What kind of therapy? Google DBT. Regulat talk therapy is not going to do the trick. He needs help learning how to deal with the intense emotions that come over him when he is triggered. |
Anonymous
| Not without medication, commitment and DBT, IMO. |
Anonymous
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My husband is the same way, except that he's done some extra hurtful things. If I were rich, I'd divorce him  As things stand, our children are living a more stable life if we stay together for right now.
I don't know about your husband, but mine had a bipolar father, and Asperger's and ADHD run in his family. A heady combination, of which I knew nothing when I married him, of course. He himself has been diagnosed with ADHD, and refuses to take his prescribed medication, which doesn't help with his overall functioning and anger issues. But I can't help feeling there's more than that. He is incredibly lacking in self-awareness, and shows very little empathy, which might be symptoms of Asperger's, for which there is no treatment. The worst is this: he ALWAYS thinks everyone else is to blame, and not him. It makes fixing the problems impossible, since he doesn't even acknowledge them. So for now I find fulfillment in my own family, my children, my friends and my dog and my work. |
Anonymous
| PP again. Therapy did nothing for us, since he interpreted everything the therapist said as vindication. |
Anonymous
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I think things can improve somewhat but will never be 100%.
If you don’t have kids, get out. |
Anonymous
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I agree with PP that things can improve but in my experience it's very hard for people to change completely. He would have to be so motivated and even then it's very easy to fall back into old patterns.
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
| Has been diagnosed with a particular disorder? He has physically assaulted you. Grabbing your arm painfully is assault. My ex-DH grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me and tried to play that off as a "hug" when we were getting divorced. |
Anonymous
If you do have kids, get out. No one should grow up seeing a parent disrespected and mistreated. |
Anonymous
| Does he fly into rages at work too? If not that means to me he can control himself to a certain extent, and could control himself around you with more effort. But since he hasn't done it yet in 8 years, I don't know that I'd be holding my breath. |
Anonymous
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He needs outstanding therapists and needs to do a lot of work, and he can improve. There's always a chance he can lose it at any point, though, and it's a long, painful journey that you may not want to stick around for.
My husband has complex PTSD stemming from a very difficult childhood and his abusive parents. The blowing up episode is essentially a flashback, where he's a helpless child feeling overwhelmed with fear and other emotions. The littlest thing can trigger it. For a lot of men, the way they handle fear and find strength is by turning it into anger. That doesn't work out too well in relationships, though. You can read up online about complex PTSD. Look at Pete Walker's website for insight. (He's not a local therapist, but has written a lot about the subject.) Learning practical tools to handle the "flashbacks," practice in becoming mindful and having awareness of triggers and how to nip things in the bud, and lots of reinforcement are all part of the work he'd have to do. He also has to internalize the concept that it's unacceptable to terrorize others with his anger. If he examines his past, he can learn to be able to identify his triggers and his warning emotions and signs that he's about to go into flashback. |
Anonymous
| He needs to go back into his past and deal with all of it to try and overcome the PTSD. I have it because of emotional trauma as a child. I had to literally tear off layer after layer of my past no matter how much it hurt, to try to get to a place where I could function without using anger. It worked, but it took years. I didn't go to therapy, I did it on my own. Therapy does me no good. I can't open up to anyone. Now I no longer punch walls and break my fingers, I don't go off on my husband over little things, I am controlled with medication for my depression and anxiety, and we have a good marriage. I talk to my husband, my ex-husband, and my adult sons. They are always there to listen. I hope your husband is able to overcome this, OP. I've been there. |
Anonymous
Any specific books or techniques that you used that you might be able to recommend to OP or others dealing with the same issues? |