Meeting a couple for first time: wife JUST transitioned

[Anonymous]

We just moved to the area. We were invited over for dinner Monday by a woman that I was electronically connected to by a mutual friend who is her wife’s cousin. There was some reference to her wife recently getting some attention. Because I’m a weirdo I googled her wife’s name, learned that she transitioned to being a woman in November 2017 and made some local papers.

My husband and I could not care less if I’m being honest. But I am also nervous I’ll say the wrong thing or how to respond if they share this journey with us? Or how to prep our kids because her Facebook photos show pictures of them living as a man/woman hanging on the walls. I have a precocious and outspoken 4 year old. What if he says she looks weird or like the man in the pictures or something?

This is such a delicate process this family is going through and we just don’t want to cause upset and want to be supportive and open.

Advice appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Get a babysitter?

[Anonymous]

They have kids our kids ages and want us all to get together. We literally just moved in. The whole point of the Invite was so we didn’t have to cook and the kids could meet some kids that will be in their schools/preschools.

[Anonymous]

Don’t over think it. My kids know some kids that have transitioned and it’s not a bag deal for him.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get it. So formerly heteronormative couple now two males? I’d get a babysitter for the first gtg so you can gauge how to address it with the kids— find out if they are identifying as a gay couple, etc. so you can use the right pronouns etc with your kids. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would be a little put off, to be honest, but since you already made plans, go and be as gracious as possible. Tell your son every day from now until the dinner that he should not comment on anyone's appearance or voice. Repetition will make it sink in.

And if anyone says something they shouldn't, don't worry. They surely know how to manage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get it. So formerly heteronormative couple now two males? I’d get a babysitter for the first gtg so you can gauge how to address it with the kids— find out if they are identifying as a gay couple, etc. so you can use the right pronouns etc with your kids. Good luck!

Two women, if I’m reading the OP correctly.

OP: my children have always just accepted whatever gender someone presents as. It might not be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Two women.

We are going. And happy to. They seem like nice people. And I like nice people — and anything else is just part of who they are not any entire definition and sum total. I’m just not sure how to respond if she shares she transitioned and if there’s some sort of handbook so I can brush up on my gender and sexuality terminology.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you need to know anything going in- you know her as a female and that’s all. Honestly, I doubt your kids will ask, but if they do, just try to follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

You listen. If they share, they will tell you what it has been like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two women.

We are going. And happy to. They seem like nice people. And I like nice people — and anything else is just part of who they are not any entire definition and sum total. I’m just not sure how to respond if she shares she transitioned and if there’s some sort of handbook so I can brush up on my gender and sexuality terminology.

. I think it will be fine. She presents as a woman, you’ve known her as a woman, refer to her as a woman unless directed oth raise. If your kid says something weird (unlikely) just treat it as you would any inadvertently rude remark from a kid. If she talks about the transition, just listen and respond as you would to any personal story from someone. You are overthinking. If you get flummoxed, just ask what they would prefer, preface that with saying you want to be respectful (shouldn’t be an issue, though).

[Anonymous]

This should actually be easy for the kids - they’be never met her before, so introduce her as a woman and they won’t know the difference. Is this the first family with two mommies they’ve met?

I think the biggest issue for other people is when you knew the person before and and after the transition. Just because the person picked the right moment for them doesn’t mean that everyone around them can process it on the same timeline, especially since they had a relationship and memories of the person when they were living as the other gender. But this is someone you’ve never met. You will just have “she” experiences with her.

[Anonymous]

Don't overthink it. Clearly, your neighbor is not hiding her transition. I once had a trans-male friend over. To me, he looks like a guy, but our then 8yo asked: "Are you a boy or a girl?" And our friend said: "I used to be a girl, but now I am a boy." And DS said: "OK." And that was it. Kids don't bring the same baggage to gender issues like the majority of the society does. So, whatever insecurity you may have, do not project it to your child. And just go with the flow. They may want to share, or they may just want to have dinner and talk about kids.

[Anonymous]

Do they have kids? If so, I'd gentle introduce the concept to your 4yo (make it appear natural...find a book or tv show or talk loudly about it with DH in front your kid).

If not, get a sitter.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe some people are saying not to bring your kids! That's an awful attitude. You did all the Google and Facebook snooping and are unreasonably concerned about handling it right, but your kids will just know they're meeting nice new people. I'd guess 4yo is much more likely to comment on the food than on anything gender or appearance related.