Should I tell my mom her estranged brother died?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, DCUM, why did I have to go FB stalking?

A little background. My mother cut ties with her family when I was about 10. Throughout the years since, she’s tried a couple times to try and have a relationship with her siblings, but it’s never worked out. It’s been about 5 years since she’s last spoken to any of them.

Curiosity got the best of me tonight, and I looked up an uncle only to discover that he died shorty after Christmas. Nobody has informed my mom of his passing.

This is the third family member that I’ve had to find out has passed, and I don’t think I want to tell my mom this time. When I was 14, my aunt came knocking on our door one day when I was home alone to tell me that my great-grandmother has died, and to tell my mom. Then, about 10 years ago, the wife of another uncle found me and told me that that uncle had died, and to tell my mom. It’s just the most awkward situation. It always brings out these old hurt feelings for her, and sadness that her own siblings couldn’t tell her themselves.

Am I horrible if I just pretend I didn’t see what I saw tonight? I haven’t seen this uncle since I was about 6. It was my moms least favorite brother. I just wish I hadn’t been nosy!

[Anonymous]

I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Your mom may know or will find out on her own. What would be the point in telling her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom may know or will find out on her own. What would be the point in telling her?

I feel sort of burdened by this info now. I doubt she even cares, but it just feels odd carrying this around. It would hurt her to tell her though. She’s always very hurt that none of them reach out to her. It’s a long story for a different thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom may know or will find out on her own. What would be the point in telling her?

I feel sort of burdened by this info now. I doubt she even cares, but it just feels odd carrying this around. It would hurt her to tell her though. She’s always very hurt that none of them reach out to her. It’s a long story for a different thread.

Personally, I would tell her. And I would encourage her to use the opportunity to try to heal from the experience somehow. Maybe even have some sort of ceremony of sorts, where she acknowledges that she'll never get the reconciliation that she probably always secretly hoped for. She may need a good therapist to help heal the wounds.

I'm estranged from people in my family and it would still be hard to hear about their passing, even though it's mutual choice to cut contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

[Anonymous]

Yes. You tell her. Let her have her hurt feelings. Agree with 22:54 that you can help her have some sort of ceremony to recognize the passing and the sadness she feels at the loss.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should tell her.

[Anonymous]

No. She could find out the same way you did. She’s choosing not to do that. She doesn’t want to know. If she’s found some peace at this moment, why wreck it for information she wasn’t seeking, just because you were curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

Mail a card.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

Mail a card.

To whom? She said she hasn’t seen them since she was 6.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

It's relatively easy to track people down, with the internet...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

It's relatively easy to track people down, with the internet...

I’m sure these people couldn’t care less about OPs card. Seriously? They didn’t reach out to her? Why would they care about a card? That’s self fulfilling. OP doesn’t seem like she needs that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

Mail a card.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I think you should have a relationship with these people FOR YOURSELF.

So send your condolences to this uncle's family, in YOUR name. It's the right thing to do.

You don't need to tell your mother if you don't want to.

How exactly is she supposed to send condolences? Via Facebook?

It's relatively easy to track people down, with the internet...

I’m sure these people couldn’t care less about OPs card. Seriously? They didn’t reach out to her? Why would they care about a card? That’s self fulfilling. OP doesn’t seem like she needs that.

Yeah, I agree. They won't care.